To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

This isn’t going to work op.

If family step in to provide free childcare, I don't think you can then reasonably set them rules on whether their other grandkids are allowed to be with the on the same day. If you're worried your baby won't be safe (which is reasonable) then you should have just paid for childcare in the first place.

I also don't think it's a great idea to rely for childcare on a 78-year-old recovering from cancer. You need to arrange paid childcare, basically.

Im with the other posts on wondering how a grandmother (sorry great-grandmother) who has just had cancer is going to look after a toddler soon. Although its brilliant she’s in remission, I wouldn’t want to put that on her when she is building up her strength again. She may not have the same level of energy/immune system she had before. What happens when baby/toddler is full on cold, bugs etc? Kids have colds/bugs all the time. Not a problem around most people (I think im immune to most bugs the kids get) but would you be comfortable with your grandma looking after her? How old is she?

I’d pay for childcare.

Your grandmother loves you and your baby. She lives with you and presumably sees the baby often and “helps out” so of course she’s likely to be offering childcare. As with many elderly people she’s fit and healthy (cancer aside 🙄) walks daily clearly looks after herself from your post so of course she isn’t going to view herself as “old” and unable to care for a young baby. This is where YOU need to come in as sensible mum and granddaughter and ensure the right thing is done for bot your DD and DGM. Whether DGM views herself as elderly or not the fact is she IS OLD at 78. Caring full time for a baby 3 days in a row is utterly exhausting. She won’t admit this. You need to figure this out and thank her for her kind offer but insist that you’d like DC at nursery/childminder but you’d love DGM to help at home (babysitting evenings, collecting form nursery etc etc).

As for the DN well it’s not great if no adult was correctly is roughness but as PP also mentioned you use very strange language around your PFB (she’s intimidated etc) which leads me to suspect you might be overegging your DNs behaviour. 3.5 year olds seem so old and grown up when you’ve a tiny baby but they are still tiny themselves really. If you don’t trust MIL to ensure your DDs safety then don’t use her as babysitter.

Also on another note this whole set up seems strange and way too intense a set up. Your DGM lives with you and you and DH work from home then your MIL, FIL, SIL and DN were going to come o watch your DD … do yoh live in a mansion!?! I jusg can’t see how that would oils work or be comfortable for anyone all on top of each other. Even if just your MIL comes I feel sorry for her trying to look after your DD her own granddaughter is it’s you, your DH and your DGM hovering in same house! How awkward! Our DD will likely know her mum dad and great grandma who she lives with and sees all the time are at home and cry out for them etc. It seems a recipe for disaster.

I think you need to rethink your whole childcare arrangements. A 78 year old undergoing cancer treatment will struggle with a 6-12 month old.

As for stipulating that nephew doesn't come with MIL because he is undisciplined is a bit off when they are doing you a favour. Your baby is going to come up against lots of toddlers and tantrums are part of that. If you are not happy you should just put her in nursery.

You want a granny with cancer to look after a 6 month old baby? Jeez. #Stop relying on friends and family, and pay for proper childcare.

My mum is 78, in great shape, fitter than I am. I still wouldn't dump my young baby on her. She deserves to enjoy her old age.

You can’t tell your MIL that you don’t want your SIL and her child in your home and just expect everyone to be ok about it. I fully understand your reasons, but obviously such a message would have caused issues.

Also, another one who says rethink your childcare options. My mum is in her 60s and in good health, and despite her strongly insisting, I didn’t allow her to be full time child care because I knew it would be too much. Your grandmother is in her late 70s and has just had cancer! I had cancer when I was 20 and it took several months for my energy levels to return to normal. Whilst she might want to do this, you need to be the responsible one here.

She’s peak age for separation anxiety and fear of strangers. It’s completely normal at this age, a developmental stage.

Inclined to think if you were THAT concerned about your baby's safety, you would not be looking for a 78 yo cancer sufferer to provide FT childcare.

Maybe THAT'S what has put your FiL and SiL's noses out of joint.

Even if GM makes a full recovery (god willing) She is still an elderly person who has been seriously ill.A baby is hard work At Nursery babe will be looked after by trained staff who love children! It also saves worrying for you

This.

And I had reached this conclusion before the end of the first paragraph in the first post, OP. Keep family and childcare separate - that's better for all sorts of reasons.

Bloody hell! Have just seen that the great grandmother with cancer is 78! It doesn't matter how fit and healthy she is - apart from the cancer! - she is 78!

I think it's fine you are concerned, they are legitimate concerns, but maybe your partner could have spoken to his sister about it instead of you being the bad guy. where is your partner in all of this?? I always suggest it's best, no matter how close you are, for the partner to speak to him own family and to always do it kindly about confrontational matters. This is easily fixed - tell your partner to start having conversations with their parents and sister! Just say it's all a misunderstanding and have a plan for the nephew to meet his cousin in a more tender way. He has to be taught, maybe by all of you because his parent's are just used to his tantrum age.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want nephew to shout in baby’s face and throw things in her direction though.

It not unreasonable - but your MIL wants to bring SIL and nephew along and she is the one doing you a "favour" so you either pay for childcare in the interim or you put up with not being their and not knowing whether nephew is screaming in babies face.

I'd not have the nephew near the baby and put in nursery at 6 months old rather than being subjected to a 3 year olds temper tantrums - its why nurseries have different rooms for different age groups

I think having so much family help is wonderful! People talk about multi generational families helping and supporting each other and as your gran is so fit, it sounds ideal that she wants to help. If things don't work out, you have back up plans in place, so it all sounds great to me.
Also, your gran us extremely blessed to be living with you. She sounds a super woman, your little one loves her and you're all a great pattern for our fractured society to follow.

My 80 year old MIL was marching up really steep hills until the day before she died. Not all old people need to sit around the house, watching TV and knitting....

When you try to have reasonable and healthy boundaries and people react by threatening to refuse all contact, the answer is not to drop all your own boundaries around your baby. But it looks like your MIL is being great. Just keep being polite but firm and wait for nephew to get a little older before he's around the baby when you aren't there.

I have friends in their 80s still cycling regular 60 mile routes - still different from looking after a child 3 days on the trot for 8/9 hours week in week out.

Ive worked with people in the 70s who hadn't retired, they don't realise how much the daily grind is taking out of them. Working 3 days looking after a child under 1 will be a daily grind

You can not rely on family to help you out then make dictations to them.

I'm also looking forward to the point when you have a 3 year old and you'll see how easy they are to handle :-P

My 78 year old mum climbs in the foothills of the Himalayas. But she doesn't have cancer or other DC to look after. There is a middle ground between watching TV all day and providing full time childcare to a 6 month old.

Nothing any good? How about spending time with people that cherish and love them?!
It's only on Mumsnet where family helping out with childcare is seen as the wrong thing to do! Majority of families I know (including myself) have family help out with childcare without any drama.
OP your SIL hasn't liked hearing what you thought about your nephew but I am sure she will calm down. It is easy to be bit precious but I don't think you are being unreasonable here you are just trying to make the transition of you going back to work easier for your baby. MIL has still agreed to come and wants a relationship. Things will settle down I am sure.

Get baby to a childminder, let elderly great grandmother play with her on the weekend. I don't think your current plan is workable at all.
That's pretty normal 3yo behaviour, and is usually short lived, but they absolutely shouldn't be ignoring it! But I don't think you can dictate that they be kept apart. If you can't trust them to keep baby safe, you shouldn't leave her with them.
With family help you don't get to make the same demands as paid childcare.

It's really interesting how the UK is becoming more like multigenerational cultures because of the cost of living.

The comment was nothing good comes from only relying on family for childcare and I stand by it. The lines absolutely get blurred, people fall out and others feel taken advantage of or that their opinions are ignored.

The child will still spend plenty of time with great granny without the poor women looking after her for 3 days a week.

Ad hoc childcare and babysitting from relatives is great but relying on them as your only form of childcare is just asking for problems.

I disagree. I think we're just seeing more of a divide between families who work as a team and those who don't. As a whole I think we are still becoming increasingly insular.