To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

FGS, it's THE baby! Stop saying 'Baby' as if it's your child's name!

3 full days a week looking after a baby alone at age 78 is crazy. Sorry op, but you need to hear that. It’s just not safe.

This. I was in that same situation. Now my dd's family is me and the dog. If these people chose to not be in your baby's life that is their loss.

Use childcare, you had the baby so now do what you need to take pressue off everyone else

I'm not sure I would have had the guts to bring it up, so well done. However, isn't it worse for baby to have quite a few carers?

It’s great that she’s usually well and loves the baby. It’s great she can look after the baby at nearly 80. She can do all of that without being your childcare solution. She’ll be spending large amounts of them with the baby regularly if the relationship is so close; she doesn’t need to be sole carer for a three day working week.

Extend your mat leave or pay for childcare.

What you are proposing for your tiny 6 month old isn’t fair on your baby or your family. Your baby needs consistency and stability and care from someone able to give it, your family situation sounds too chaotic to provide suitable childcare.

YANBU - why should you endanger your baby to ‘keep the peace’. FGS you are their advocate and protector- why even consider seeing your child get hurt from a toddler incase the parent is offended?!

any decent parent would step in and try to minimise any harm potential to the baby eg ‘we dont throw things by babies’ etc etc. the toddler is not the issue , it’s the lack of management.

it’s better not to have them in her life if they are going to model such lack of accountability and refusing to apologise/ learn from mistakes.

Well then you or your husband need to stay at home. What on earth are you thinking of handing your childcare over to an older person recovering from cancer!

Edit: OMG I have just seen she is 78!

You are absolutely right to have said something. It sounds like you care about upsetting everyone else but you have to keep your baby safe. You have to stick to it and hopefully the others will come round.

The posters talking about your half dead, barely walking grandmother are wrong. You know her and her condition. Carry on with your plan but have a plan b (like most parents) if she’s not ready. It sounds like you care about her and want to do the right thing. I wish good health to her and you all.

Please do not do this to your grandmother. There is no way she will be well enough to care for a baby in eight weeks time and she will not want to let you down. Let her enjoy your baby for a few hours at a time. I started caring for GD one day a week a year after my one year of cancer treatment had ended and boy was it tough (and I am a lot younger).

I have two friends with DPs who are fit 78/79 year olds. One manages a few hours of looking after a 4 year old and helps out in emergencies. Is too scared to go to the playground with her in case she runs off or hurts herself.
the other grandparent sometimes watches two grandchildren (4 and 7) and is finding that hard.

OP even a healthy 78 year old won’t manage a toddler 3 days a week. It’s not going to work. Your baby will also pass on germs and viruses to a vulnerable older person.
My SIL used to run marathons and was exhausted looking after her baby. Doing walks is different to caring for a baby on the move. Get paid childcare and use grandma for emergencies if you really need to.

Ignore the doom and gloom over cancer. People have very different experiences. I’m in my 50s and am going through 9 months of treatment for cancer that includes 5 months of fairly brutal intravenous chemo, an operation and then 6 weeks of daily radiation treatment. I’m wiped out and would dread to look after a baby. I don’t expect to be fully back to my old self for a year, may be more. Last year my father in his 70s had cancer, an operation and several months of one pill a day for chemo. Within 8 weeks of the op he was going about normal daily activities without problems and 6 months later he was back at near his previous form running. He happily helps look after his grandson. Not all cancers and all treatments are the same.

Regarding your actual issue - I don’t know what you can do for sure, because things may have gone too far already and feelings have been hurt. But I wouldn’t avoid having your nephew there when you are. It’s the perfect time for you to put boundaries in place. Kids do understand different rules for different places/situations. So taking things he’s about to throw off him and saying “we don’t throw things near the baby” kindly, then distracting is the way to handle this. If you’re planning another baby in a few years the practice will be handy. It’s a bit exhausting, but if the parents won’t do it, it’s the way to keep your baby safe and the relationship alive.

I agree.

This. Not to mention recovery from a major illness takes its toll. She may have offered childcare prior to her illness and may feel differently about it now.

78 and recovering from cancer are you joking?! Stop being a cheapskate and get baby in nursery

You understand that the way you feel about your child is the wasy your SIL feels about hers. And that although toddlers seem mSsive and scary when you have a newborn, he is still tiny. And that a toddler shouting is not really going to be harmful to your baby (even in her own home).

If I were your SIL I would feel prety upset - her child being pushed away due to arrival of your PFB and dome very normal behaviours. Ignoring tantrumming behaviour and rewaeding good behaviour is a highly recommended approach btw.

I think you might want to rethink some of this.

You want the convenience of family childcare not realising that you don’t have the control. I understand your fears and there is no way I’d leave my child in the care of your MIL. I also think you are being unrealistic about your Grandmother, she’s an elderly woman recovering from cancer, you make it sound like a bad bout of flu.

You are entitled to feel the way you feel around nursery but being dependent on family has a whole lot of challenges that you clearly are only realising.

Save your sanity and enrol her in Nursery.

Pay for your childcare and separate it from your family because there's bound to be issues with free childcare offered by family. Is the father not involved in the baby's upbringing?

Get a childminder or nanny to provide home from home care if that's what you're after.

SIL wasn't invited though the inlaws were and I think piggy backing on to someone else's visit is rude. I think if you invite yourself to someone else's house then you shouldn't be upset if they say it's inconvenient. SIL also didn't ask to come herself she just told her parents she was coming. Does she live with them? It's not clear why she decided to come too without asking. A childminder may be more sensible as it sounds as though your inlaws only come as a couple and often have SIL and nephew in tow

I agree. I didnt vote as I can see both sides

I remember having a newborn and my friends 3 year old seemed like an absolute monster. Honestly, as much as he was a normal nice little boy in my eyes he seemed out of control compared to my fragile newborn 🤣

Same again when he was 5 and mine was 2 🤣🤣 honestly I thought he was an absolute menace

THEN

I had my own little boy.... who behaved the exact same way as my friends and I thanked my lucky stars I'd never expressed to my friend how much I didnt like her sons behaviour at the time cause my DS was an absolute handful for years. Hes really calmed down now but from 3 to 5 he was one of those kids

Op you did the right thing.. unfortunately in-laws are always very sensitive and not reasonable. Glad you chose family to look after your little one, I don't agree with nursery at this age, a child needs home environment with family not strangers who have bunch of others too look after too and who's to say another child wouldn't hurt or throw tantrums near yours. To keep the peace speak to your SIL to say it wasn't personal and ofcourse you love the nephew but just concerned about his behaviour around your child, but would like some get togethers soon with you present. Glad your Mil made the effort but be careful I'm sure SIL will put her off...so keep her sweet lol stay in touch with Sil and make effort but if it's not met with the same energy then back off not worth it. Hope your grandma gets better soon 🙏

Hmmm. I’m conflicted here too. I would choose a home environment for a tiny baby over nursery… but my mum is 70 and in good health, goes abroad on her own etc… I still think she would find it exhausting and difficult to look after a six month old baby three days a week.

I also think using family for childcare leads to problems with family dynamics (as you’re finding out!).

With the three year old, I think both you and your SIL are being a bit PFB, but understandably so. She feels you’ve criticised her parenting and been judgemental about her child. You want to protect baby from being scared. I think it’s 50/50 here. It’s very difficult to come back from a family member criticising your child.