To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

It's hardly ranting about something off topic. I'd say it's pretty blooming relevant and surely it's better for the OP to find childcare now taking on board all the personal advice she's been given than risk being left with no childcare when she's already back at work and having to juggle returning to work with having no childcare.

YANBU. You need to feel good about who is present when you leave your tiny baby to be cared for! The fact that you had agreed PIL only, and then someone decided to extend the invite to SIL and kid also - to all be in your house, without asking your permission? And then get annoyed when you say no? They are being unreasonable, not you. At least your MIL seems to be respecting your wishes now and putting the baby first.
But please don't regret your choice - if there is a rift, it's on them, not you.

I can’t believe the apologists for DN’s behaviour on here. Yes 3 year olds have tantrums, but their parents need to deal with them! They can’t be allowed to throw things, hit people, and scream in a baby’s face, none of these behaviours are acceptable. By not setting boundaries and not stopping this your BIL and SIL are creating a monster.

Re your DGM, you are best placed to decide if she’s able to look after baby. But I would say that looking after a baby 3 days a week is a tall order to anyone, let alone a 78 year old recovering from major surgery.

I'm in shock that so many posters think it's normal behaviour for a 3.5 year old. He's not a toddler and tbh even toddlers (I work with them) don't throw things and hitting is rare so a child over 3 knows better. Unless there's SEN or more likely his parents can't be bothered to discipline him.
A small nursery (my DDs nursery only had 4 babies) or a childminder who also has few children would be better. You'd be on edge with MIL incase your nephew appears.
Your grandmother might need more time to recover and it might be easier to start off with paid childcare and then maybe your grandmother can just do one day a week while might be easier for her.

Family based childcare is better because it’s more loving and it’s more real life. But you want the best of both worlds, you want the love but you also want the professionalism. Your baby would be better off with their family but you won’t be able to handle it because you are asking too much. Toddlers have tantrums. Yours will too one day

@brownbutter this is MN where we are all expected to do childcare for our offspring until well into our dotage!

OP this all getting very dramatic- it doesn’t sound like it’s going to work out for you at all.
I’m also a bit confused why your DD “has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.” When your relatives visit ? Doesn’t your baby see anyone other than you?
Where is your DP in all this?

I think I’m going to leave this thread now, thanks for all of your input. I’ll comment on a few things to clear it up.

The rough 8 week timescale is an estimate. It’s also already been two months since the operation, she’s almost recovered and doing brilliantly. We know this as she is living with us. We are fortunate in that her operation was like keyhole surgery and no further treatment eg chemo required. We aren’t casual about it, but we’ve been very involved with her treatment and recovery so we know realistically how she is. The plan is for baby to go to nursery when she around 1. If Grandmother can’t manage, no problem we’ll sort it with nursery earlier - it’s the plan anyways when baby is 1, we felt 6 months was too young and with Grandmother living with us, she was more than happy to offer. There is no issue around fees, the decision was solely on baby being 6 months.

As for baby being passed from pillar to post. She won’t be, we understand the need for stability which is why she’ll be cared for in her own home between 3 caregivers - a very close aunt, her Dad and MIL. Fortunately both husband and I work from home so if they really need us we aren’t far.

I’ll take comments on board about nephew. I should say it’s not me who has raised this with family, it’s DH as he feels the same. Yes I describe baby’s behaviour dramatically because that’s what it is. She is fine all other times but whatever reason when in-laws visit she doesn’t just cry, she screams, whines and whimpers. They don’t visit much so with MIL offering to care for her once a week, we thought it would be a great way for the relationship to build. Having our nephew around for those interactions wouldn’t support that.

We also support the cousin relationship but would like to be present so we can step in if necessary as SIL, nor MIL or FIL will.

I don’t understand why she cries as much as she does. We have friends and family who visit, she’ll be a little cautious if someone new but typically smiles and engaging. When MIL and FIL come, she just loses it. Only thing I can compare it to is the scream that comes from babies on their first injection. It’s awful and I don’t know what causes it. She hasn’t done it with other people. I’ve left her with MIL for two hours before when she was on her own and she was fine. But if they come here together, she is so upset. They don’t wear glasses, no strong perfume or anything. I don’t understand why she reacts as she does but I’d like to nip it in the bud so she can spend quality time with her grandparents. I think gradual calm exposure is the only way to go which we can’t do with a toddler screaming in her face.

Just a heads up OP to ring around nurseries if you haven't already. My nursery has an 18 month waiting list for the baby room (and no space in the other rooms). The manager advised all parents incase we were planning another baby. So we can let them know whilst pregnant.

Just another quick question before you leave. Have you actually got her name down for a nursery place?

I genuinely don't understand parents who let their toddlers/children hit them?,none of my 3 ever did that and if they did that shit would have been nipped in the bud straight away.SIL sounds like a passive wet wipe and I don't blame OP for not wanting her nephew around her 6 month old child if that's how he's allowed to behave.

Sounds like if you want childcare from them then its on their terms, including possible trouble from your nephew unfortunately and if you don't want to upset them you will have to agree to whatever they want.
In your shoes I would find an alternative and they will have to get over themselves, you have done nothing wrong at all .
What does your DH think? , its his family

Not got her name down no but we have visited quite a few. We are aware of what is available and what isn’t. Fortunately there is quite a few in our area that has availability at relatively short notice, others booked until September.

agree
Kids should be throwing / hitting people with no come back.
We taught our toddler to be gentle around smaller children/ babies and animals.
And they were.
As a grandparent I take my cues from their parents-- and follow instructions to the letter.
It is an honour to be allowed into their lives.

OP I have only just seen this thread. I actually think it would be better for your little one to start a couple of days a week in nursery asap (if you can find a place), rather that waiting until she is 1, and at peak time for separation anxiety. You may well find that she settles into nursery much better if you start her now. For us, DS1 (who started nursery at 4.5 months old) settled in far easier than DS2 and 3 who were around 10 months). I agree with others that looking after a young baby is likely to be much more difficult for your grandmother than you or she realises. My mum is the same age but looks 10 years younger and is extremely fit and active, so I do understand it might seem fine, but even my mum said that there was no way she would have had the energy to look after a young child more than 1 or 2 days a week even 10 years ago.

Fortunately there is quite a few in our area that has availability at relatively short notice

Finding one with a space at short notice would be unusual, having multiple options to choose from is almost unheard of. If that's really the case I would sign her up without delay, and let your grandmother rest and recuperate.

Your Grand Mother isn't in great shape she is nearly 80 years old and recovering from cancer.

Surely if they take children at short notice which is virtually unheard of and you've not got her name down for a place starting when she's a year old as planned then anyone in the next 6 months could come along and take those spaces??

I agree. Grandmother is being over-optimistic because she really does want to do the child care - but in reality, it's extremely unlikely she'll be fit enough.

You're then putting her in a very difficult position - where she won't be able to say she cannot cope with it.

Pay for childcare.

^All of this.

I do understand that the thought of your baby around nephew having a tantrum, isn’t good.

Dm and Mil looked after DD they were both in their seventies. There were times when they were ill, times they cancelled on the day, we had to really juggle things. We didn’t want DD going to childcare either, so I do feel for you.

I took a year off when I had DD, so she was a little older than yours when we left her and I only worked 18.5 hours. It was challenging! Good luck with whatever you decide.

' family is family ' you say

so you intend to exploit the 78 year old grandma that because she lives with you has felt obligated to offer you free childcare of your baby whilst not yet being 5 years cancer free - indeed not even 5 months !

a full day child care is not ' babysitting '

selfish !

but that's ok as you both work from home...

of course you are leaving your thread, it hasn't gone the way you want it to...

Your not unreasonable your baby needs to be safe first and foremost and she needs to feel comfortable with MIL. A lot of 3.5 year olds do go through this stage of pushing, throwing etc but it's up to the parents and main care givers to set firm boundaries that it's not acceptable behaviour. Unfortunately if this isn't done behaviour tends to escalate rather than decrease. Your SIL and FIL won't be happy as it's been highlighted her child's behaviour is unacceptable. Maybe your MIL secretly agrees with you?

I have 3 kids one with significant complex needs there is no way I would allow the behaviour your nephew is demonstrating particularly towards a baby.

I don't mean this harshly but your granny may well want to care for your child but is unlikely to be fit. I have witnessed first hand a child being frequently cared for by a medically unfit great grandparent. They can miss out day to day interactions with others kids unless the grandparent is able and well enough to take them to baby and toddler groups, activities, playdates etc.

Honestly I would rethink childcare totally and put your baby in nursery as this drama your dealing with is only the start of a lot of hassle. If your granny is desperate to care for your little one once she is well maybe let her one day a week.

Even if she is a very fit and very active 78 year old, my mum is a couple of years younger, and very active- but looking after children is so so so tiring. You cannot think this reasonable. My mum needs a little extra nap every now and again. She does do a day of childcare of older teens every now and again, but not more. Her husband does one day of childcare with one child a week and finds it exhausting but enjoyable.

I think a small amount of childcare with fit grandparents is ok, three full days is too much, because everyone slows down as they age.

THIS. Easier said than done off course with how expensive childcare is these days but I'd rather have peace of mind.