To have divided the family over this??

[Wife2b]

We have a 6 month old baby. My grandmother who was my planned childcare (her request) when I go back to work when baby is 6 months, got Cancer. We are over the moon she is now in remission as we love her dearly. She will be picking up childcare when feeling well enough which is fab as baby adores her.

In the meantime, friends and family have offered to support to avoid baby going to nursery at such a young age which we are thankful for.

MIL agreed to look after her once per week for 3 months whilst Grandmother is getting treatment etc. Baby doesn’t see grandparents often as they live an hour away. When they have visited, she has become hysterical, pet lip, crying, inconsolable.

We have a 3.5 year old nephew, he is gorgeous and we love him to bits, BUT there are little by way of boundaries and discipline. At Christmas he was slapping his Mum who didn’t respond and throwing things at her, I was anxious as she was holding our then 4 month old baby. The last time grandparents visited with him, he was throwing things (narrowly missing baby), hitting Grandparents, and shouting in baby’s face which obviously frightened her. Grandparents did not react and it was up to me to ask nephew to give her some space. Honestly we felt on edge as baby has just settled to feeling comfortable when he started.

As baby seems to get overwhelmed easily, I asked MIL if she would come alone at first so she can get used to her. MIL said she wasn’t comfortable driving alone but would come with Grandad (fine by me). Fast forward to a couple of days ago, she said that SIL is coming with nephew. We said we weren’t comfortable with that and explained why (didn’t really want to have that conversation as not our place). We love nephew and of course want him to have a relationship with baby as he is her only cousin, BUT we’d like to present to make sure interactions are safe.

Well things have all blown up. Grandfather has said lots of hurtful things, including saying he’d do everything he can to stop MIL from visiting. SIL has also got the hump. I’m so worried my little girl has lost her family, we didn’t want to tear the family apart. We just wanted her to be given the opportunity to take things slowly at a pace comfortable for her. My little girl has such a small family, I don’t want her to miss out but feel we were right to say something as we can’t guarantee her well-being and safety if not present when nephew is if there are no boundaries and consequences in place. I’m pleased to say MIL has not listened to FIL and has come anyways, alone and had a brilliant day with baby (who was hesitant at first but slowly come round, lots of smiles by the end of the day).

Were we being unreasonable to bring attention to this? Part of me feels like we should have sucked it so baby can maintain family bonds, the other hand I feel like why should she feel intimidated and uncomfortable in her own home at 6 months old and it’s up to us as parents to protect her. I feel so sad at the thought of her not knowing her family though they can be a petty bunch, family is family. We haven’t got much of it.

Even the young people I know who survived cancer are tired. They look a little older after all they've been through, but they feel a helluva lot older. Everything hurts. Surgery, chemo and radiation are all horrific things to put a body through - is it any wonder they feel so bad afterwards?

One of my friends used to run marathons. He's now lucky if he can manage a walk without getting exhausted.

OP, I think both you and your grandmother are underestimating this. If she is lucky enough to stay in remission without the cancer coming back, she's still not going to feel as fit as she did before.

I'm with this one 😬

I was like you OP, when ds was newborn around nieces and nephews. Now he's 3 I get it!! And if one of my family members now had a newborn and I was told not to bring DS to visit. I'd feel upset and put out, at the same time I would understand having felt like you myself previously but it would still hurt I think.

Haven't read whole thread. But I voted YABU because you should have spoken to your SIL any time you were concerned about your nephew frightening your baby. Its not up to yourPIL to manage this. They are probably annoyed because you put them in the middle. It's completely normal for 3 Yr olds to push boundaries. It's up to parents to show them where the boundaries are. You should have spoken quietly to your SIL or BIL each time, or asked if they would be OK with you correcting nephew yourself.
It all sounds a bit dramatic from you. Just pay for childcare and then you can have more control over who sees baby and who they gave with them. It sounds like a better fit for you.

Honestly, this is what you get when you try squeeze free childcare from family.

They're not childcare professionals. There is no oversight. You have all sorts of strings attached and hurt feelings when you express your wishes or boundaries with how they care for the child.

As many others have said, regardless of how fit your 78yr old grandma is, an almost octogenarian recovering from cancer is absolutely not the person to be trusting your baby with.

MIL has 'offered' three days per week childcare, and I wonder if she felt a bit under pressure to do this? Maybe trying to come with nephew and her spouse and your SIL and nephew is her way of either trying to spread the burden amongst others, or even make the situation unpalatable to you so you'll tell her don't worry about it after all?

I just think it's nuts to expect family members to step in and do the job of paid professionals to save money. This won't end well.

You're year old grandmother might think she can care for your child but don't underestimate how trying caring for a young child is for an older person..I think 3 days regular childcare is taking advange especially after having recovering from cancer.

You seem to be judging your nephew's behaviour based on Christmas and a first introduction to a new baby who has just taken his limelight in the family.

I imagine that in three year's time if someone did this to your child you'd also be furious. Kids don't behave as they normally would in these circumstances. I have the calmest kids you could ask for but when I take them to see the family they don't see often, they behave nothing like themselves for the first day.

If course your baby needs to be safe but I'd also expect people who have raised multiple children themselves to understand this. I suspect you've come across as very precious to them and they feel protective of their other grandchildren, which is natural.

I think you need to apologise, whether you feel in the wrong or not, for the sake of future family harmony (and I suspect that when you deal with your first tantrum you'll look back on this and cringe a bit).

wrong thread. don't know how that happened. think i've deleted original post, has nothing to do with this thread. sorry if still there.

I completely agree. The OP needs to pay for childcare.

It is a huge ask to expect a 78 year-old recovering from cancer to look after a 6-month old baby for three full days a week A 78 year-old recovering from cancer will feel very fatigued and it can take severals months, if not years, to make a full recovery from cancer.

Its really not... developmentally 1-2 years is peak age for tantrums, it should be waning by age 3 and over by age 4.

An older lady recovering from cancer is your childcare solution?! You must know that’s not right.

If you need to work at months, then you have to pay for it. If you feel this isn’t right, you should delay return.

I needed to work at 8 months so mine went to nursery. She is happy and thriving. Would I have preferred to stay home, yes, but you deal with the situation you have.

Use a paid childminder. Grandma can pick the baby up early some days so she's home and settled when you get in from working desperate to see her. I was worried about Grandma's exposure to toddler germs after cancer treatment, but as she lives with you, she's exposed anyway. Or take her in late if you're having a bad morning!

I'll probably get flamed for this but OP you are not in a suitable position for both you and DH to work... you took on the responsibility of a child and one of you at least has to deal with that (or use childcare which you seem opposed too).

It's not your cancer affected grandmother or the rest of the families job.

Can you not extent your maternity leave to the full 12 months, and if you have the sort of job where you get AL you will also accrue a year worth of that too, so potentially going back when baby is 14 monthsish. Or do the full year as shared parental leave instead, with your partner taking a portion of it off work?

This avoids all the issues of having to find suitable childcare for a tiny baby, and gives you more time to work out a childcare plan you are happy with.

I’ve not read the rest of the replies on this thread but..

What’s wrong with it is taking help, even if offered, from an 80 year old recovering from cancer. It’s better for great grandma and the baby for alternative childcare to be taken in this situation, so that she can rest and ‘dote on the baby’ here and there, instead of doing full on childcare which is exhausting.

None of this is our business, but we are all giving our opinion since this is posted on a public forum for our advice…that’s how this works

YABU. How your SIL parents is none of your business. You DO have the right to choose who your baby is around, you DON'T have the right to dictate to your MIL. So in the circumstances, you should've organised alternative child care (child care which would be expensive, and likely to put your child in the company of more than one toddler!).

As pp's have pointed out, when you're expecting unpaid child care from family, you have to respect there are lines in terms of relationships and loyalties.

People tend to have long memories when they consider someone to have slighted their child; I think that small fracture in the relationship with your SIL will endure.

Relative of mine aged late 70s - early 80s undertook 1/2 days childcare for another relative. I know she was really exhausted after one day of childcare and needed a day to recover. Someone else I know placed baby with granny who had a heart attack and she was only in her 60s. I think you should look at childcare options. DC went to a high quality nursery from 8 months when I returned to work for 3 days pw. It took most of my salary at the time but was worth it.

I mean honestly whether she wants to or not is pretty irrelevant in this situation, she's 78 and recovering from cancer she's not in great health and you need to be honest here that it's completely ridiculous to think this is a good idea or in anyone's best interests

This. I sometimes can't believe what I'm reading.

Having childcare providers an hour away from home was unrealistic to start with ( as was having your granny do childcare tbh) but you seem determined to get free childcare , no matter how unsuitable.

As others have said, bite the bullet, pay for professional, reliable, trustworthy childcare and allow relatives to go back to being loving relatives for your child without having the hurdle of all this family tension to get over first.

Definitely not unreasonable to have mentioned it. They asked, they didn't like the reply. You can't control that.

I'd try to find either a childminder or a nursery/creche which means that you would only ever need family if there was some emergency reason that the creche/nursery couldn't take your child and you couldn't use leave to look after your child.

I don't think they did ask! Hence the resultant tension.

I'd look for a nursery or childminder in that situation. Lots of children go to nursery at 6, 7 or 8 months and absolutely thrive.

She's 78?! I'm 62, in perfect health, work full time in a demanding, high energy job, and find looking after my grandson for a day is stressful and exhausting!

You're being very unreasonable, OP, and very selfish! Try a childminder for early years and then find a nursery.

Oh no.

yea your in laws are not going to forget this. You’ll have to pay, this is going to continue to cause fights

I'm not stupid I very obviously know how it works because I TOO just gave my opinion. The op didn't ask us about her grandmother. As per usual ppl like to rant and go off topic. Who are you to decide what an 80 year old can or can't do. Stop ranting and stick to the subject.

I'm a fit 48 year old ,I have my granddaughter while my dil works,it's exhausting! Really, I adore her,she's my PFGC,but I can't imagine in 30 years time being able to do this,even withouteverythingyour Grandmother has been through.I say this kindly,find a childcare place for your baby.