To have said no to this mum?

[mamabeeboo]

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

I don’t think you are unreasonable, no. I also think it’s fine for her to ask, given she can do drop off that day. Loads would ask and offer nothing to return the favour.

For me, it would be worth it if I didn’t have to do pick up a day a week. Only you can judge for yourself if the pros outweigh the cons.

Your decision is best for your family. That’s the bottom line. So unless you actually want to do it not because you feel guilty but because you want it, then no is your decision.

I definitely wouldn't. Any kind of permanent childcare arrangement like that is a recipe for things to go wrong - even if it did suit your routine, which it doesn't. Especially if she then relies on you in order to get to her job. It's not your role. Forget it. If my kids stayed in their rooms til 8am I wouldn't be changing a single thing!

This is something where she should have asked to meet you. It’s not a text request.

You do what's right for you, from experience I'd be very cautious of helping out others with childcare as before you know it you are being asked by all sorts and become the go to free childcare option.. so no YANBU

I'd prefer a text request, because then you have time to think about it before committing, whereas a face-to-face question feels like more pressure to answer right away. Of course you can always say you'll have to think about it, but I'd still feel put on the spot.

YANBU to do what's best for you.

What was her plan for Mondays when she took the job?

Not remotely unreasonable to refuse to
get up an hour early one day a week! It would be really disrupting.

I couldn’t disagree more! Text is by far the politest way not to put someone on the spot and make them feel pressured.

Good god no, she should not have asked in the first place! It’s all well and good going along with the idea of “if you want something done, ask a busy woman’s” but that’s ludicrous to consider dropping off another child at 7.15am, like there’s not enough chaos in your life already?

don’t feel bad, this isn’t your issue to fix.

You have enough on your plate.

That's a big ask of anyone, never mind with another 2 kids to get ready. It's disrupting your usual routine. The other mum shouldn't have taken the job of she wasn't able to work it around her kid. It's not anyone else's responsibility to help her do that. There's loads of jobs I'd love to do too but wouldn't work around my kid.

Thats a huge favor to ask. I would only consider it if the other parent picking up your DD from school benefitted you and your family, but it sounds like your DH is in a perfect position to do picks ups so no benefit to you!

I wouldn't want to get into any type of arrangement/set up if it was me.

Sounds like you have your own kids to contend with and I wouldn't want my child being picked up by anyone else, I like to do it myself.

Good for you for saying no! Time and time again on here I read about people who agree to things they don’t actually want to do out of politeness or avoiding conflict until they are at breaking point. You should do what is best for you.

@Autumcolors errrrr I would absolutely hate to be asked this on the spot in person. Far better for the OP to mull over the text in her own time.

OP, I’d love to say I would do this, but I couldn’t. And I only have one toddler!!! You have loads on your plate, what about the difficult days where the kids aren’t co-operating or someone has a toilet accident or one of you is ill. It’s too big an ask from her.

Or they agree to one thing then the other person starts taking liberties.

Can guarantee it would go from "I'll drop her off dressed and fed and ready to go" to "Could you give her some cereal, her uniforms in that bag, might need a little iron, oh and do you have a spare toothbrush?".

She was going to do the OP a favour by picking her daughter up from nursery on a Monday though, which would mean she wouldn’t have to do nursery and school pick up. Absolutely fair enough for the OP to have said no, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the friend to have asked especially if her daughter is generally quite easy going and is potty trained.

I think it was fine for her to ask, a lot of kids are up way before 7:15 but its also fine for you to refuse OP, if your not even up then its too disruptive to your routine.

YANBU. You have enough on your plate every morning without adding to it.
DD1's best friend's mum retrained in her 40s and had a day a week at college. There wasn't a big time gap between school finishing and her getting home so I agreed to take her DD each week to save her childcare costs. It was very tying as it prevented me from taking my own DDs anywhere after school that day so things like haircuts, optician appointments, dental appointments, trips to the library, etc had to be fitted into my only other day off.

She's a CF.

A text, no discussion, no offer of payment, no consideration of your circumstances.

This is her problem, not yours.

Absolutely not.

As someone who agreed to drop a friend’s kid off at nursery, after saying yes because I thought how much harder can it be to drop two kids off rather than one, I would say don’t under any circumstances agree to do this. It was an absolute pain in the arse and it went on for two years. More fool me.

It’s not your job to get someone else’s children to school.

No, no and hell no.

I'm impressed you get up at 8 and have 3 children out the door and at school for 8.45.

No she's not a CF. She offered a favour in return.

Fine for the OP to say no, that doesn't work for me, but the friend is not cheeky in these circumstances.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. Mornings are hectic, and you have 3 children to juggle.

My only counter thought would be, why is she asking someone she doesn't know to well to do her DD drop off? I know I wouldn't ask that of someone I barely know. So based on this are you her complete last resort? I'm still not saying you should take on her problems but would it be worth talking face to face to guage what is going on and see if she is ok?