To have said no to this mum?

[mamabeeboo]

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

I'm glad that IANBU here. I just felt bad but from some of the comments, it seems like it can go wrong too quickly, and it would be a permanent arrangement.

And yes, 3 kids out the door in 45 mins - everything is prepped the night before, clothes laid out, packed lunches in the fridge, and I have absolutely no time for faffing around. They know the drill.

She can ask someone else. It’s selfish to ask you because you also have work and additionally have three small kids. Be careful of her asking again. Stay no as the first word you utter. I’ve come across selfish parents and they target the people who can’t say no. I’ve learnt the hard way.

Why do you feel guilty about another family's work situation?

Why is it on you, and not her husband/partner/parent/relative/paid carer, to solve this problem?

I'll never understand this sort of situation. You have THREE children, it will be a merry-go-round of illnesses and days off and not-aligned school calendars and you being sick for the next few years. Why on EARTH would you offer to add to your burden FOR FREE? Frankly, it's presumptuous to ask (7.15am!!) but I suppose if you don't ask you don't get.

I think 7.15 is far too early. I wouldn’t mind dropping another child off at school one day a week but I wouldn’t want the child here while I try to organise my own kids for the morning.

How does an 8 month and 3 year old know to stay in bed until 8?

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

Offering to return the favour when that favour is of no value to the OP is entirely meaningless.

I think it's cheeky in that regard. An open discussion about how to return the favour would be far for beneficial and reasonable.

You were right to say no. It does not work for you and your circumstances. In fariness if you drop to school with a car would there be enough space for everyone and it would be impossible to manage four safely if walking on your own.

She has the right to ask and you have the right to say no. Is she also offering 90 minutes of babysitting between nursery and coming dropping your child home, to reimburse you, or simply dropping straight after nursery? Yes, it would be nice if she could take this job, but her child’s pre-nursery childcare commitments aren’t your responsibility. When mine were in nursery, there were several children being dropped off by childminders. Perhaps your friend could find a childminder for Mondays. There may already be one there doing the drop off for another child.

You need to teach us how you get your kids to stay in bed til 8am.

If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you.

YANBU, but then neither is she for asking...as long as she took your no with good grace.

For what it's worth, it wouldn't cross my mind that a family home containing 3 children wouldn't be up and about at 7:15 am on a weekday, so I can see why she'd assume the same.

So it’s not only dropping child of at school, but looking after them from 7.15am, whilst you’re also negotiating your kids, getting them up, having breakfast, getting them dressed.

Don’t feel guilty at saying no.

"In fact, she might as well have a sleepover at yours the night before..."

As she sounds like she's clear she'd need to return the favour in some way, I wouldn't necessarily have said a blanket no on the basis that having a local community of people to exchange favours with is actually extremely helpful.

However, I have learnt through bitter experience that if you agree to this, you have to do so on a very casual basis. I recently had a similar conversation with one of DD's friend's mums and the agreement was that I would do my best to have her child at that particular slot and take both girls to their activity but I couldn't guarantee it and if we were ill, had stuff on, or just couldn't manage it for some reason, she would have to make a last minute plan. A bit like how schools say that if they have to cancel an after school activity it's the parents' responsibility to be available to pick up at normal time after all.

She's not being unreasonable asking - and your not being unreasonable saying no!
I personally usually say yes to arrangements like this. Shared picks ups and drop offs really help me out.

God no. This really isn’t your problem op.

a favour at 7.15 am in the morning has a WHOLE bigger tariff than a favour at 2pm in the afternoon.

@mamabeeboo should not feel remotely bad, not even for a second, this is too big an ask and guaranteed it would creep into a horrific situation in no time at all.

sorry you have to be at school for 8.45 and don't get up until 8???

It's a big ask, especially with other children. What happens if/when yours is sick and not going to nursery, or you are ill or have other plans. I don't think she is cheeky for asking, and she has offered something in return. Your instinct was to say no for good reason, don't second guess yourself.

Gro clock.

They might be up earlier but they lie in bed reading/ 3yo singing, playing with teddies etc. They know to stay there until I get them. 3yo also still naps, so doesn't go to bed until 9pm, which means she doesn't wake until gone 7.45am most days anyway.

8mo can easily sleep until 8am, especially since he's so tired from being up the whole night 😂

I just don't really know what to do or say when seeing her every evening on pick up, it just feels quite awkward, and I feel like I've ruined any option to ask for any smaller favours. I don't know.

Just carry on as you were.

I foolishly agreed to do similar thing years ago. The child was dropped here at 8.15 and I would have him for half an hour and then we’d walk to school. He absolutely trashed the house while I was getting the baby fed and dressed. I did it for about a month and said no more!

You know why you feel guilty, your a woman and most of us feel guilty. If you get stuck and she needs more help, what then?

I am not a morning person and I am on sedating medication so no way would I have another child at home before I am ready to join the world.
Thankfully my daughter is also not a morning person and I always have to wake her up on the day I'm in the office at 7 and some times have to wake her up at 8 when I'm WFH
Our morning routine has no wiggle room. If I don't have a coffee we can be out in 15-20 Minutes with a coffee it's 20-25 minutes. I couldn't add another child into that mix

I would just say sorry it would be too much to have 4 children in the mornings and leave it at that.

This! And it’s my current situation from 3 mornings to 4 mornings every week

Fine for her to ask but also fine for you to say no. I think you are wise, because mornings are bad enough with small kids, and Mondays are worst. You don't need a random child arriving while you are trying to wash feed and dress three very young kids.