To have said no to this mum?

[mamabeeboo]

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

As a mum of 3 whose kids get up at 7 am to leave at 8.30 am no way would I do this. I have helped out other parents before as a one of but not weekly. It's a huge ask when you have 3 kids of your own already. She shouldn't have taken a job she can't find childcare to accommodate. This is said as someone who has very limited childcare options so works school hours.

Another depressing post where a mother thinks she may be guilty of not stretching herself to the absolute limit.

Definitely No.
Don't even think you need to explain.
For all she knows you do your kids' homework before school/may be dealing with a sick baby on occasion/have PND.
It's none of her business what your reasons are
You don't want to, is enough.
Other mothers might want to, you don't.
"No, it doesn't work for me" is a complete sentence...you don't need to apologise even.

This.

I've done similar favours and they always started small and grew as the person had "emergencies" it became impossible and after a while they completely took me for granted and it became so obvious I was being used. But perhaps I was just unlucky with this person and your DD's friends Mum is more genuine.

You said you don't have time to faff about in the mornings. This will involve faffing because you will be supervising/entertaining an extra child whilst trying to get your own sorted out. and that would be for 10 Mondays a term. 3 terms a year, rain or shine.

What if your friend takes on extra days?

I understand what you mean about the awkwardness, but if she's really mad that you've said no to such a big ask, then she's not thinking straight. She must realise that three including 8 month baby is already a handful. Plus at the end of the day you are not a registered or insured childminder

However you could suggest that Occasionally, in an emergency for example, you could both agree to swap a pick up from nursery and deliver home, provided you were picking up anyway. That would still be of great benefit.

Next time you meet her address it.

Thank her for asking, say you’d have
liked to make it work, but realistically you simply wouldn’t have been able to.

Then it’s done, closed and acknowledged.

Perhaps offer a play date or coffee or something at some stage in the next few weeks and see if you can get the friendship back on an even keel.

I would not have said yes , different if only a one off but no way every week- you've done the right thing

YANBU at all! No is a perfectly fine response.

getting 3 kids out the house in 45 mins is impressive/surprising. Are the kids happy esp the one at school? I think mine would hate it!

You don't have to say or do anything.

If you feel awkward, those are your feelings. You can stop them. If she does anything to make you feel awkward, then she's being a dick.

And no, just because you haven't committed to doing something for her every Monday the kids are in school, doesn't mean you can't ask for a single one-off down the line. You don't have to scream in her face "how fucking dare you ask me such a thing you cheeky fucker, don't you know I've got three kids of my own??". You say "I'd love to help you [true] but I just don't know how I'd cope with a 4th child when I've got kids all over the place each morning and your DD would need special attention for not being my own. Maybe we can do a weekend playdate or something, take the kids out together?".

Having said that, don't underestimate the cojones on a woman prepared to ask a random mum to give her free childcare so she can go out and earn money for her own family funds. I have a feeling she shouldn't be top of your list of people to ask small favours of; you will almost certainly find yourself reciprocating with a much bigger one.

Seems like everyone involved did just fine here. It wasn't at all unreasonable for her to ask, and it's perfectly reasonable for you to say no. Great job all around.

A lot of us have trouble saying no and valuing out own time & needs, but practice makes perfect. Just continue to be friendly & perhaps extend a play date invite if you & your DC wish.

You are not unreasonable. You have enough on your plate already and that’s a long time to have an extra child before a school run.
I only take extras if they are dropped a few minutes before we leave.
If you commit to regular childcare and then one of yours are sick she’ll still be expecting you to get her child to school.
Don’t feel guilty about not doing this.

You see I would absolutely want and need to do it when I got home from work. If I tried to put a was on before work I probably would but it on without washing powder in, on a boil wash and with washing up liquid in instead of fabric softener. I need to be up for an hour before I can eat as I feel sick. My brain doesn't start functioning fully until 10. If I could I would work 10-7 that's not practical so I work 9-6 on WFH days and 8.45-4.40 on office days due trains and nursery drop offs. Predaughter and covid I was in the office 5 days a week with a shorter commute with more trains per hour and worked 8.30 -5.30 and had to save low mental impacts tasks for the first hour of work. On one occasion I had to turn around on my cycle to the station because I was wearing my pj top and another time I was on the train in a panic because I wasn't sure if I was wearing trousers. I couldn't feel that I was wearing trousers as it was cold and I had put tights on. It was too crowded to get a sneaky peak and had to wait until we got to the city.
I'm on very sedating medication and can be up anywhere where 1-6+ times a night with my 3yo but I have always struggled with mornings. I'm bipolar and when depressed they are bordering on impossible but when manic I can be awake for 50+h and will be doing the washing at 3am and also making a hash of it!
I get more energy and ability to cope with life as the day goes on. I can manage all the chores and life after work. My partner is the exact opposite. It works 7am-4.30pm with an hour commute. His ability to do chores after 6-7 pm is the same as mine before 8am. We have balance in the house!

NBU

I did morning school run briefly for a friend while she was pregnant, did it for a couple of months, and honestly, i was so fed up by the end.. i just wanted my mornings back to being me and my own kids.

It's nice doing favours, but don't make it a regular thing.

I do have to say, some of the ugliness on this thread towards the other mom is depressing and disappointing. Not being nasty about moms who ask for help is the other half of encouraging moms to look out for their needs and not run themselves into the ground constantly.

She has a need (it's work, not a bender) & she's politely looking for another parent who can exchange morning help one day per week for afternoon help. In this case, her needs & availability don't fit well with OP's needs & availability, but good on her for being willing to ask.

Definetly not being unreasonable

I used to look after my friends children occasionally after school but when she asked me if I'd look after them 3 x a week when she started her new job I said no

A favour every now and then isnt fine but having to do childcare even once a week for the foreseeable future would always be a no from me

( Been burnt before, used to look after another friends DC once a week from 12pm till 5pm and pick up all our kids after school and before I knew it, it was several days a week 🤦‍♀️ )

I think most parents are constantly doing stuff at home around work, morning and night (I dont know many that can lie in till that time on a school day but i’d max it out for as long as possible if I were OP and it didn’t cause any issues - if the kids were starving for breakfast, then it would be a problem).

The only reason I replied is a few posts questioning why people get up so early. Ive done 3 hours unpaid work at home before I get to my actual job 😅

I wouldn’t do it. She needs a childminder! 😀

Most of the "ugliness" will be coming from women who have helped other mithers out in the past and ended up having the absolute piss taken out of them. Somtimes, no good deed goes unpunished

And? I don't understand why that seems like an excuse to be ugly about every mom who asks for help, especially when they're trying to trade help with another mom, not just ask for something for nothing.

This sort of behavior is a big part of why moms feel so guilty asking for anything.

She wasn't offering to do the OP a favour, she was offering it to benefit herself. Plus picking up a child and dropping them home is nowhere near as inconvenient as having another child in your house for an hour and a half in the morning whilst trying to get yourself and three children ready.

I don't think it was bad of her to ask as she offered to pick your child up. She was probably thinking you could both benefit from the arrangement, and it sounds fair. Some people take the piss but this doesn't sound the case. However, if it's not going to work for you then that is understandable. Personally I avoid getting involved in this type of set up. It's a lot to commit to and it can easily end on a sour note. So I think you were fine to say no.

Im the opposite, would rather get up and get on it. I still do things after work but i’d rather have time to have a bath etc in the evening. I hate missing the alarm (had only a couple of occasions ive slept through abit longer and just hate the rush). Prefer to have time to have a few coffees, breakfast, get the washing done, out on the line if its sunny, other jobs etc and not be rushing the kids too much too. But totally get everyone is different. You have to find what works for your family. Im impressed OP can get 3 very young kids out with breakfast, dressed, school run in less than an hour though - I have no idea how she does that. Primary School starts at 8.40 for us?

She wasn't offering to do the OP a favour, she was offering it to benefit herself. Plus picking up a child and dropping them home is nowhere near as inconvenient as having another child in your house for an hour and a half in the morning whilst trying to get yourself and three children ready.

She was offering to trade help. Plenty of working parents have trouble with early-afternoon pickups while mornings are the pinch point for others. OP's schedule/needs aren't the right fit to do a trade with this mom, but hopefully she'll find someone whose needs do line up.

The only times I have been late for work is when I have been up early! 😂

Isn't the brain a weird and wonderful organ!

By all means acknowledge that you feel guilty but that its just impossible. You're there in a proper emergency [emphasis on "proper"] but you have enough on your plate. Plus DC3 is going through a biting phase or whatever 😁

It wasn't an unreasonable ask particularly given she'd have done pick up, or that is was unreasonable for you to say no as it doesn't suit.

Personally I'd avoid any permanent childcare arrangements with other people. Too much can go wrong over time and you have enough going on as is.

Also its super unlikely you were her only option, perhaps she just thought it might have worked for you and might as well ask. Don't overthink it or feel bad.

She absolutely is a CF