To have said no to this mum?

[mamabeeboo]

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

It wasn’t a fair exchange because the offer back didn’t include 1.5hrs of childcare every week. It was just the ride home from nursery.

I think it's absolutely fair enough to say no, if it doesn't work for your routine and circumstances then of course say so. And not feel guilty about

However I think the posters calling the other mum a CF and claiming she'll be asking all sorts are really out of line.

Our breakfast club closed with absolutely no notice a couple of years ago for about 8 months. I'm a teacher and DH also works out of the home, we have no family nearby, and we did have to ask for favours from friends and fellow school parents for that period of time, and people generously helped us out with drop offs. I made it clear that I was around during school holidays to help if people wanted. So I think asking was fair enough. I know multiple kids and mornings can be busy but I don't recognise the extreme drama on here that some posters are describing in regards to getting ready and the school run, and how another kid would make it "chaos". In my house we just get up/dressed/fed/leave. There's no chaos/wrangling/drama involved. Sometimes the kids need more "encouraging" or nagging but it's not so bad that I'd resent someone even asking for help.

So I don't think anyone's being unreasonable here. You're not unreasonable to say no, she's not unreasonable to ask.

They would hate not having a slow start to the day which allows cuddles in bed, play and chill time before going to school for the day. Does anyone enjoy rushing about? I certainly don’t!

Never take on too much responsibility. You've enough on your plate. She needs to find a childminder. This is just you doing a never-ending favour. And you might just find yourself sued if anything happened to her child while you're "unofficially but offcially" childminding. But be honest, say you have too much on your plate already. Generally speaking - people know what working hours they can commit to, before they start job hunting.

2 problems if you say yes
1 what if her child is ill that day
2 what if your child is ill that day

It might sound harsh but you must say no, if you accept you will end up begrudging it. Been there done it.

Didn’t do it. I did and it wasn’t great. Friend asked if I could help out as their grandmother was taken ill and they were looking for alternatives. I had a newborn at home who was a terrible sleeper. My DH would wake me as he left for work and would feed baby if she was awake at the time he was up as I’d often be up and down at night. Friend would drop her child off around 7:15. Plan was for me to take her to pre school with my own older child. Older child was often still flat out in bed when she arrived. Sometimes I was actually in bed when the doorbell rang. It was only meant to be short term. It did eventually stop but only because we had a family holiday booked for an extended trip abroad to visit family. This then forced them into finding an alternative. If we didn’t have the holiday o think it would have continued maybe in to reception.

I can just picture her driving off as you open the door to her DD before you have a chance to say you're all ill and not going in.
Of course she didn't see that text you sent earlier.

Yes, been there done that. You won't believe the cheek of some people.

Well done for saying No.

the thing is it’s no use storing up favors from people with 1 child when you have 3 they are never going to take all 3 of your kids for you in return for taking their one child . I learned that the hard way that helping people rarely worked out in any way for me and I had to put my family first .

I wouldn't do it. It could easily start as one day, then you get asked to do the odd extra day as a favour until these extra days become regular and you are effectively an unpaid childminder. Then when you start pushing back and refusing you end up being portrayed as the unreasonable one. I've seen it happen to school mums I know. Three of them set up a school run schedule for one mum to take the children on one day, the others to take them on two other days. They asked me too but I refused straight away stating I don't make commitments I may not be able to fulfil all the time. Anyway a few weeks pass and one of the mums keeps asking for extra days because she has appointments/deliveries etc and cant do the school run. After a while this same mum makes excuses why they can't take the children to school on their day to do it. Then another mum starts refusing to take the other children. Then I had to hear them bitching about each other to me. Complaining that there's always excuses not to help anymore. Needless to say they don't talk to each other anymore.

I agree with you. But I don't think other mums warning that it could be the thin end of the wedge are necessarily out of line.

Many have learnt the hard way. I know I have. I also know that once you have agreed to one favour, it gets harder and harder to refuse* the next when you have already taken the first step and before you know it you are doing far more than you initially agreed to. You can end up being imposed on.

As a new-to-school/nursery mum with just one child maybe she hadn't thought through what it entails for the OP, but those things needed to be considered, so it was fair for posters to point that out. It is a plus point that she did offer to do a pick-up in return. But it simply wasn't at all an equal trade. And it was a favour that OP didn't even need.

What would also not be acceptable is if the Asker was then cross with OP for saying no, and made things awkward, which is something that OP was worried about in her first post.

It's too big an Ask to do it as a regular weekly thing and have the other mum saying if your baby is sick or something. "Oh but if you don't do it tomorrow then I can't go to work!" I've been in that situation and it really is awful being "told off" like that by someone you've been doing a big favour for. She has to get paid childcare if she wants that level of reliability.

If the Asker does turn out to be genuine and not an imposer then OP sounds like the kind of person who would be willing to work out a system where each does the other an occasional favour in an emergency but as a rule, I don't think that mums should expect other mums to do regular unpaid childcare.

*edited to change the word agree to refuse. far more than initially agreed to

And then it would be two days a week and in no time would be every day.

How do u get three kids and yourself ready if u don’t get up until 8am 💁

You do have a lot on your plate.
Which is why I would have probably said yes.
you never know if/when you need such a huge favour returned

lol no 3 yo is 'utterly delightful' at 7.15 am 😂😂😂 what planet are you living on @TwoWithCurls ?? The other child is likely to be boisterous/clumsy/wanting to play with every toy they see/loud/needs a poo/hungry again/upset their mum has dumped them with virtual strangers. It would totally disrupt the usual, orderly family dynamic. Kids regularly fall out and there's NO WAY my kids would have wanted a friend round every Monday at the arse crack of dawn for 90 mins before school. Plus the ones without friends round would have argued they wanted a friend round too. Total recipe for disaster. How is she taking 4 kids to school anyway? The logistics are mind-boggling tbh.

Nope. It sounds like you have a routine that works for you and your family and you do have enough on your plate. Especially when you have a baby that doesn’t sleep well, and a husband who is never available to help in the morning, you need all the sleep you can get!
I too did wonder how you get everyone ready and out the door for 8:45 when you get up at 8 though!

She’s within her rights to ask . She’s probably asked a few other parents too . It’s also ok to say no, especially if the request is going to impact negatively on you
It isn’t your responsibility to sort her childcare . If you wanted to be a childminder you would already be doing it .

I wouldn’t give it another thought , she asked & you said it doesn’t work for you. No need for either of you to be embarrassed or sorry , just carry on being friendly as usual .

I would just wonder why she's nobody else to ask.
Did she run through her whole family taking the piss.
And now nobody will help her.

Plus I think she offered the pick up as a sweetener,but had no intention of doing it.

Plus I think she offered the pick up as a sweetener,but had no intention of doing it.

I also think eventually the other mum would think OP works from home so may as well pick up the dc as well.

I disagree. If you ask in person, someone may be put on the spot and agree without thinking it through

Text is better, as they can think it through before replying

This is a prime example of it’s not easy to say no to these asks.

I'm not sure you're legally allowed to even do it. If something happens to her kid you'll be the one in trouble. She needs to get a childminder.

A childminder....

@Lighttodark

no but it’s the reality for most people.

and I would prioritise sleep over cuddles in bed and playtime in the morning!!

Fine for her to ask. Most children are up before 7:15 and most working parents have to be out the door 8–8:30, if not before. Also fine for you to say no.