To have said no to this mum?

[mamabeeboo]

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

Yes, obviously it was primarily to benefit herself. I understand perfectly well what the friend was suggesting.

What I meant was, she didn’t say “Please can I drop Sophie off with you every Monday morning so you can take her to nursery” she said “Please can I drop Sophie off with you every Monday morning so you can take her to nursery, but I will collect her and Katie and bring Katie home again that afternoon.” It’s an exchange of favours, even if those favours aren’t necessarily equal. If the nursery finishes at 3pm and the primary school finishes at 3:15 on the opposite side of town then it might actually have been really handy for the OP.

It might primarily benefit the friend, but it is OK to ask people for help. It’s also perfectly OK for the OP to say no, as I said in my first post.

I think in this case you were right to say no. When I next saw her I'd just explain the situation- that the baby wakes a lot at night and you sleep till 8 to be ok for work. If I'd have been her I'd have offered you two pick ups for one early morning- that seems more equal.

I trade a lot of favours and my life is better for it but I generally find they work better within a like for like situation School - I pick up 2 nights and my friend round the corner does 2 nights. We exchange a 5 minute detour for a 30 minute free pass. I'm also in a "one in three" liftshare for one of dd's sports, so again I do a bit of a detour one week in three but don't have to go at all the other two weeks. We also do a lot of ad hoc stuff but to be fair no-one takes the piss. I'm in a fortunate position where my youngest child is 12 so can be left home alone whereas some friends have little ones who can't, so I maybe do a bit more, especially if it's raining, but generally we all try to help each other out.

However, I never commit to non-reciprocal regular stuff.

She's not a friend or relative and you're not a childminder - and it's for an ongoing role and not just a few times. I would have said sorry but no and not given it a second thought.

WTF are you on about.

Imagine you wouldn't like it if people thought you sounded inefficient and incompetent if it takes you twice as long to accomplish what the OP does, all while wrangling 1 baby, a toddler and a primary school little one.

Some people are harsh about the other mother here.
I think it was fine for her to ask and offer something in return because all good if it was something that would be mutually beneficial.
It's also more than reasonable for OP to say no because it's not mutually beneficial and would in fact disadvantage her. There's no wrong here really.

Don't do it. I have four DC of my own. Mornings are manic each day before school and I am not in paid employment so I can't even begin to imagine the realities of coping with all that entails...

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

If she was asking about a 7+ year old, maybe but not a 3 year old!!

Nope don’t do it! I committed to having my best friends little boy for two hours a week before school, he bickered with my son and it was a nightmare!

I can well imagine if your DD had the distraction of her best friend round every Monday morning it would take you an awful lot longer to get her ready for school!

Not a CF request, but you're not being unreasonable.

I find it a bit odd that you'd sleep in until 8am personally when you need to be at school and work within the hour

Glad you said no, OP.

I would not do this but I think she gets points for offering to do a reciprocal favor. It's just that, as someone else pointed out, picking up your kid from school and dropping home, is not really equivalent to babysitting someone for over an hour before school. I have also found that "reciprocal" favors often end up not being as reciprocal as they seem. I wouldn't worry that you have lost the opportunity to exchange smaller favors. As long as you were/are polite and pleasant about the way you declined this "favor exchange," I think you can still be open to exchanging smaller favors.

I think most parents of children in primary are up earlier than you simply because its bloody hard to get them up, fed, spellings done and what have you, in time.

So i don't think her request was unreasonable, it was a fair offer that lots of people would have been fine with.

However, it doesn't work for your and of course you are not unreasonable to politely decline.

Don’t start this. It’s a mistake. Once you have said yes you are stuck with the agreement

As a one off I'd have done it. Every week would be a massive burden though. YANBU to say no.

This is not a small favour. Sure, as a one off to help out I would do it, but no way every week. It’s fine to say no, don’t feel bad. Or better you feel a little bad for an hour or so than hugely resentful every Sun night/Monday morning from now on!

3 kids on your plate already and to wake up 45 mins before for someone else's child err no thanks. She's offering to pick your dc is that 3 of them altogether? probably not. I will never ask you for a favour like this as I can see your hands are full already. Don't feel bad, put your own and dc's needs first. You don't need to explain yourself again and nor apologise and don't feel guilty.

I do wrangle multiple young kids. That’s why I get up early. No way would I leave small children shut in their rooms to treat myself to a daily lie in until 8am!

YANBU if it really won't work for you. I have an arrangement with another mum, she works 2.5 days pw, I work 2. We have one day off in common, one day we both work.

So on one of my days off I take her kids to school, pick them up, so homework, feed them etc, on one of her days off she picks mine up from school, homework, dinner etc...
In school holidays we do the same but full days and no school obviously.
Sometimes we run late, no issue,
Sometimes we need or are asked for help on an extra day, no problem. We do sleepovers and generally help each other out any way we can.

We went to school together but two years apart, small rural community, so we've always known each other bit we weren't friends or anything. But we have always known each other. Our makes our lives so much easier. The kids are happy and safe.
So many other parents have commented on how well it works.
Think about it OP, maybe it could really help you out sometime.

I always think there's a big difference between one off's or a short set time, for example, I need to work the next two Monday's could you help for two weeks, vs ongoing. Ongoing are often rife with issues. It is good she offered something in return - totally depends on if that's actually a help to you or not.

No, you are not being unreasonable here. You’re already on a tight turnaround between the school drop and getting to work yourself. Also, if she’s arriving at 7.15, this is bound to affect the likelihood of your own children staying in their rooms. You would, presumably be getting up early to let in the visiting child. If you start it and it becomes problematic, it will be difficult and stressful to get out of and may well cause bad feeling. It’s also a bit unfair of her to ask.

I’ve not said ‘no’ in the past - and it tends to go horribly wrong. The parent is always late, or ridiculously early, their child hasn’t eaten or had a temp/was sick yesterday but mum told them not to tell you/school, their child refuses to stay in the car seat … etc. Essentially it completely disrupts your morning, messes with the dynamic, stresses you and the kids and you end up resenting it.

Much better to just say, sorry no.

Your responsibility is to your own children OP. Not minding others.