To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

I didn't read it all but buy her some nice slippers and be honest. She can just wear the slippers 💜

Thanks. Sorry for the long OP but I did say she has got slippers here but doesn’t ever wear them! I’m thinking of buying her a really fancy pair that are like shoes as a massive hint but I don’t want to waste the money if she is only going to not wear them too.

Just ask her nicely to keep a spare pair of shoes at your house and use them when indoors, she probably prefers the support of shoes rather than slippers. She won't take offence if you are polite about it. We are a shoes on household and i dont think my house is dirty because of it, i would never ask anyone to remove their shoes i consider it rude. Tbf most of the time people coming into our house have just stepped out of a car, they won't have trudged through mud or dog muck so that makes a difference, though i cant imagine going around my home looking for specks of dirt afterwards either way. But every household is different so yanbu.

This is a cultural issue.

The horror you feel at her having her shoes on in the house she feels at having to take her shoes off.

You can try and enforce your culture on her but if she gives you free childcare etc you run the risk she will think you are ungrateful, demanding, etc and stop.

(I'm a shoes on person and I hate hate hate going to houses where they ask me to take them off. It's so unpleasant.)

shudders YANBU
I absolutely hate shoes inside the house. If you need foot support, there are slippers or house shoes for it - even normal shoes that are only worn in the house would be ok.

Have you thought about buying a carpet cleaner? You can get decent ones for a few hundred quid. It does take quite a while to clean a room properly, and several hours to dry afterward, but it's so satisfying. It has the added advantage that if you do it when you MIL is there, she can see how much dirt is in the carpet.

I think a pair of inside shoes for your house is a great idea maybe some soft canvas ones or something and ask her to wear them in the house only. personally I hate slippers and I have inside shoes because I also hate wandering about with nothing on my feet.

My mum has foot issues and has to wear shoes whenever she's up. However she has indoor shoes and outdoor shoes to prevent this issue. Might work better than slippers?

I’m thinking of getting her some slippers that are more shoe like. I am sure she will forget they are slippers and go out in them though 😂

Funny you should mention a carpet cleaner. We actually borrowed MILs one when we moved in 3 years ago and it did a great job but it is so labour intensive. It is back breaking work if you want to lift as much dirt out as possible as it does require a lot of pressure and ‘going over’. We are lucky enough to have a large house but because of the room sizes you could realistically expect doing one room thoroughly with the carpet cleaner taking you half the day and you will be exhausted afterwards. Hence why we saved up and paid for a professional recently but could only fork out for the most high traffic place in the house!

She needs house shoes - trainers or something. I understand why she does it because I grew up (in Ireland) at a time when you never would have asked or expected a visiting adult to take off their shoes when they enter your house, any more than you would have expected them to strip naked. To this day I have never seen my father walking around in socks or slippers. But times have changed and this is your house so it is okay to politely keep reminding her until she gets used to it.

My inlaws used to do this. When theyd call DH to say they were coming over, id make a point of mopping or cleaning the floor as they came in. It worked for a bit but eventually it got to the point i had to just say can you take your shoes off please.

Just tell her she can’t and buy her some slippers?!

My SIL has a problem with my mum wearing her shoes in the house too. My SIL has a lot of different problems with my mum in general 🙄 My mum has to wear her shoes to be able to walk properly they are special made she is also unable to bend to take shoes on and off. My SIL thinks it's just my mum being dramatic she has never been very kind to her or welcomed her tbh. You sound really nice 🥰 could it be a mobility issue that she is embarrassed about?

As others have said, get her a pair of indoor shoes to swap into. She might feel slippers are too casual to wear when she’s “dressed” for the day.

You said your husband thinks it is bizarre, so is this a recent thing? Did she not keep her shoes on whilst he was growing up?

I would have no issue with MIL wearing an indoor shoe. It’s more the awkward conversation of saying “MIL, I know you’ve been happily wearing shoes in our house all this time but can you start wearing special indoor shoes or slippers please as we don’t like it”. I guess it’s the HOW I’m going to broach the subject to her without it being awkward.

Get her a similar pair for indoors and ask her to remove hers. Really, there’s no point silently seething. That’s the kind of thing that builds unnecessary resentment- just make it clear you don’t want shoes inside or buy her some shoe covers.

She has always done it and he always thought it was bizarre growing up. It is only now he has a house of his own and a young child that he has really put much thought into it. He said he has always found it bizarre but there’s never been any need to tell his mum his thoughts.

She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help. this is surely worth the price of a decent Vax.

Read my OP. She has slippers!

This is a cultural issue. Not necessarily. Some people just don't want outdoor shoes worn in their house.

Yes, I was about to ask this.

OP, I am afraid that this is a very basic clash of cultures. For many people the idea of not wearing shoes in the company of others is culturally unacceptable.

That said, it is polite to respect the culture of your host so she is BU not wearing the slippers. But agree with PP suggestions of indoor shoes rather than slippers as a compromise.

My pet hate is people who ask you to take your shoes off in their house and then expect you to walk about on their cold hardwood and tiled floors in your socks, all the while they are padding about in their cosy slippers!

I like the Japanese approach of providing slippers for guests.

It's perfectly normal to wear shoes indoors if that's how you feel comfortable.

I wouldn't dream of telling someone to take their shoes off. Very rude.

Cross posted. Why would he find it bizarre when he grew up with it? What did his father do?

You might want to stop with the judgmental language too- it is not “bizarre” or “weird”- it is just how some people live.

It's hardly bizarre is it? Lots of people keep shoes on indoors. Just ask her to change into slippers.

Oh bless your poor mum! I would totally understand if she had to wear her shoes for a medical/mobility reason or even if she said she feels she needs the support but she has never said such a thing. When DH has commented on it before she has always said it never occurred to her to not wear shoes in the house and that her own carpets would probably be a lot cleaner if she didn’t. She still hasn’t changed tho 🤣

She is very fit and well in her 70s. She walks loads. Yesterday she did 22,000 steps walking around town with DC and took DC to our local beach! She goes on cycling holidays and is very active. If she was in a similar situation to your mum I wouldn’t mind at all.