To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

The fact that she has agreed with you but then not changed her habits is clearly showing me that there is a problem but she’s hoping you will forget about it so that she doesn’t have to talk about it . This is exactly what my mother and Mil would do. If they don’t want to talk about something they would smile and nod or even agree but hell would freeze over before they would actually tell you what the problem is, especially something re health , feet , possible embarrassment or acknowledging age .

I would sit her down with a cup of tea, no distractions and see if you can gently tease it out, tell her how important it is to you but focus on finding out her problem with shoes removal . Once you know the problem hopefully you can solve it .

It could just be that people don’t want dirty ,stained carpets 🤷‍♀️Absolutely nothing to do with class ,absolutely ridiculous.

It’s not just cultural.
many people have a low tolerence of dirt being walked through a home , irrespective of culture or customs of their upbringing.

i have even less tolerance as I’ve aged. I will accept shoes on from occasional visitors but will only allow them onto hard floors I can then mop. So I wouldn’t ask a tradesperson or professional to take there shoes off for instance, or a neighbour popping over for a quick conversation. Luckily I have seating/eating areas with hard floors . But they aren’t coming into my carpetted sitting room or other rooms
. I have guest slippers (bu names) for my regular visitors (family) and my friends and I generally do courtesy of removing shoes at each others doors. I have same rules for dogs- doggie visitors on hard floors only, not carpetted areas for exactly same reasons.

I also do have overshoes in a cupboard that I will offer to people who clearly have mucky shoes and I don’t want to insist they remove - usually folks are fine with this (trades people for instance)

I think you’re the unreasonable one. You don’t have to accept invites to go into people’s homes that ask you to take shoes off. Take a pair of indoor shoes or a pair of foldable slippers tucked in your handbag. Why do you say changing your shoes is “unpleasant “? I can see paddling in your socks or bare feet is not acceptable- especially if they have pets or dirty floors! but there’s a simple half way meeting point of changing your shoes to inside only shoes, what’s your problem with that (feminine question not a knock).

Is is, though. Upper middle and upper class people wouldn't dream of taking their shoes off indoors.

Pettier than making an issue over something trivial when you’re being saved £££ by their kindness? Maybe you should save up all the money she’s saving you and use some of it to replace your flooring when your kids start school, OP.

I am glad you agree. I also think kids should be free to play on the floor. Sometimes DC likes to take a snack and sit on the floor in front of the tv or lie down with his cheek to the floor and I hate the thought of all the dirt from outside.

I get that we can’t protect kids from all germs and a certain level of bacteria is good for their immunity and all that jazz. Does that make me keen to have dog mess particles and mud/dirt in every room of my home though? Nope!

Can't stand people wearing shoes in the house and I always take my shoes off in others. When I use the carpet cleaner in the hallway, where people walk in with shoes before taking them off, the water comes out black!

You're going to have a shock when she goes to nursery.

Or plays in a sandpit.

My babies used to crawl around in the garden and I'm sure that was much dirtier than OPs carpet after her mother in law has visited. No harm came to them. Also what about toddler and baby groups or play areas in restaurants babies regularly crawl around the floor there and I have never been asked to take shoes off off at those places.

Or soft play - always a bastion of cleanliness! 😆

If you think I’m being rude or racist or whatever then I am sorry if I have offended you. That wasn’t my intention at all.

I don't like shoes in the house either. But I do find it hard to believe that your MIL's shoes are solely responsible for spoiling the look of the whole house, or that you have to go round after her cleaning!

Ok, but there may be other issues that she doesn’t want to “expose” that she’s embarrassed about

particularly smelly feet she can’t solve
odd shaped feet /disformed foot
she can’t easily bend and twist to put on shoes- she may not obviously look pained, but if, like me, she has back issues, then changing shoes can be painful
or, like me, she needs to wear insoles to support her feet - you wouldn’t know that’s an issue as if they’re working she’ll be walking normally

I’m a shoes off person btw….but could be worth thinking about ..has you OP EVER seen his mums bare feet or stockened feet for instance? Does she ever go into sea or swimming and expose her feet there? If not, then there’s more likely a real issue she has that she cannot solve..and you’ll have to let it go unfortunately . If she does expose her feet in other scenarios then she’s just stuck in a habit of her background and lacking flexibility - so you really have demanding it as the only solution. Asking nicely hasn’t worked

Alternatively, accept it and use a pad of sticky door mats that you put at the entrance of the external doors. She’ll have to walk over those in her shoes, and they’re very effective in removing even small socks of dust and dirt. We used to use them in manufacturing clean rooms so I know the right ones do a very good job. Expensive but will last for a while given she’s not there all the time. Probably find cheaper ones than these elsewhere, but this type of thing
https://www.cleanroomshop.com/tacky-mats-flooring.html?utm_term=&utm_campaign=Performance+Max&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=7122637171&hsa_cam=15583502337&hsa_grp=&hsa_ad=&hsa_src=x&hsa_tgt=&hsa_kw=&hsa_mt=&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwMqvBhCtARIsAIXsZpaIPx5pAmNJNyE_IQ2Pl8h-YjMwD2IfRVOZAHLNE_Q5qy4_zzuSs-8aAjk_EALw_wcB

Your MIL sounds a bit like my DM when looking after my kids. 22000 steps you said she did the other day looking after your son. She sounds amazing, and very much cracking on at high speed with the job she has so willingly taken on. My DM would wear her outdoor shoes all the time so she could follow child into garden, go to shops, outing etc etc without having to stop and think for a minute about herself, or stop child doing what they wanted to do. She is similar at home with all her jobs etc.

To be honest I'd let it pass and not let it ruin your amazing set up. Your child plays in a tolerable amount of mess many times a day whether you like it or not, if not on your own floors everywhere else they go.

I was brought up knowing to take shoes off, my parents could barely afford the carpet when we had our first house. In time, we had Japanese visitors and that cemented the idea! I prefer people to take shoes off, especially if they’re staying, but I provide guest slippers, easy compromise. I don’t insist though. When I’m visiting, I take my own slippers just out of habit, we’re all different!
However, there’s loads of research pointing out how bad it is to keep outdoor shoes on in the home, just not hygienic.

Best solution is to treat MIL like the dearly valued relative/friend she is, and broach the subject within that space. Explain your concerns in a way that allows her to put her own thoughts forward. Think of this as a way to form a closer bond, or more adult relationship, not as a means for you to vent or force her to change.
Discussion is key, you want to know her reasoning just as much as you want to put your wishes across. You are treating her as an equal part of the equation, not as a problem to be solved. You might also learn if she has things on her mind too, this could be a really good opportunity for you to enjoy a much better relationship
For example, there may be things you do that bother her, but because she doesn’t want to upset the relationship she keeps silent. Maybe she doesn’t feel valued for all she does for you, and you have to be open to hearing that too. Think honestly about what effort you make to show respect for her contribution to your family needs.

if you get your head around this in a loving and respectful manner you could move into a new and more enjoyable relationship ☺️

If you really can’t face it, then you’ll have to suck it up and consider getting laminate floors.

That sounds awful! I wouldn’t expect it if this was the case. We do have an ottoman thing (can’t remember what they are called) in the hallway that can be sat on for taking shoes off too.

"I just say abruptly "shoes off, we don't wear shoes indoors" that works everytime."

Don't do this.

I wonder if this is a generational thing too as my mum, stepdad and in-laws all wear their shoes when they come to my house. My in-laws are quite elderly so I think they struggle getting them on and off, bending down etc but they have always done it even when younger and they wear them in their own house. They recently got a beautiful new cream carpet and still trudge abut in their shoes.

really am not a fan of it as we always remove ours at the front door but I’ve given up mentioning it now as we now have wooden flooring thought the whole house apart from the stairs and landing and they rarely go upstairs anyway.

I do think outdoor shoes in the house is unhygienic though, god knows what people step in without realising. I like my house to stay as clean as possible and I don’t even have young children of crawling age. Just take them off!!

"Hi MIL, We've just had the carpet cleaners in so would you mind taking your shoes off and using your slippers when you come over? Thank you".

My husband is one of those people that won’t voice his opinion on a subject that doesn’t affect him. Now that he has a lovely home and a wife who moans about the state of the floor, I suspect he has seen fit to voice his opinion.

What do you wear in your own home? In your bedroom and when lazing around in evening?

Haha I have never thought of that before so that’s good to keep in mind but MIL is average height, same as me. Roughly 5 ft 5 but is taller than me when she is wearing shoes in the house and I’m not. Maybe she likes to feel taller than me 🤣

This is a shoe free house. Please remove your shoes is all you have to say

Shoes past the mat is revolting.

Yes, this is what I thought. I always thought even if you’re a shoes on person and you’ve been walking in the rain or have been somewhere muddy or the beach then you take them off!