To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

@Dartwarbler

This is getting somewhat off topic as the op's mil is clearly not disabled.

However, you have said you think I'm the unreasonable one for not changing my shoes.

I am disabled,

I was in an accident where my foot was smashed up, it required serious reconstructive surgery to put it back together. I mostly use a wheelchair (and so can tell you that if you don't like dirty shoes in your house you won't like what a wheelchair gets in its tyres either!)

I wear special (expensive) shoes that mean I am in minimum pain and that mean I can walk. My physio at the moment is encouraging me to try walking in shoes with less support to build up some if my foot muscles.

I really can't just buy a cheap pair of shoes and wear them at someone else's house.

Well, I can but it'll fucking hurt and I won't be able to walk in them so you'll get the wheelchair inside instead.,, and you can't change wheelchairs as you come in a house..,

On the plus side it sounds like your husband has approached the subject before head-on. And you have both brought it up in a general way. But your MIL is a toughie!!

I think the idea of her having some shoes which she only wears inside your house is the best. Then she gets to wear shoes and you get to have her wearing indoor shoes.

However, I think your husband needs to sit her down again and not let her get away with this any longer. You say she agrees when you say why.

Then ask her to buy herself some shoes which you will reimburse her for. You can't choose shoes for other people - they are bound not to like them.

You have to tackle this head on . It sounds like you all have a good relationship - it should be possible. Don't take no for an answer. Decide enough is enough🙂.

That level of rudeness and I would be withdrawing the free childcare pronto.

Same.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I can’t relax if I see people in shoes in my house. I also find it rude because they clearly think I have nothing better to do that clear up after them. I think I would just have to ask if it was that frequent.

I assure I don’t have a clean fetish 😂
I just try to make less work for myself by preventing dirt as much as I can, and most people I know do as well! I see shoes on as basically making more work as at some point that floor is going to need cleaning.

I think you’ve taken the decorating comment out of context. We moved in 3 years ago and we haven’t been able to redecorate so I mentioned this because we have no option but to keep these carpets that the previous owners did such a great job of looking after. We just cleaned the carpets when we moved in and they looked great. I’m sorry but I can tell in a quick glance that they were not shoes on people. They were a couple with 3 kids as well so a lot of people in the house and carpets are not dark coloured. Since we have moved in and MIL has been living her ‘shoes on’ life our carpets are starting look greyish and dirty. I expect that some dirt is just generally there no matter shoes or not but why not minimise it if you can? No amount of hoovering and spot cleaning is going to improve it. It’s better prevented IMO.

No, she is not walking through ploughed field as we don’t have any close by! She does however walk on the beach, in muddy parks and out in the rain though and shoes stay on!

@Dartwarbler

You asked what do I wear in my own house or if lazing around.

I wear my shoes.

Pretty much the only time I don't wear shoes is either swimming (and actually I do wear neoprene shoes for that mostly as well) or in bed in which case I wear socks.

My foot got so smashed up that the nerves are damaged. If I go barefoot then a lot of sensation comes in which causes me a lot of pain. I have trained my foot over the years to be used to the sensation of socks (I have one specific brand of socks I wear and I buy lots of them and never wear anything different).

A new pair of shoes needs a couple of months to get used to the different pain levels. I can do that but some shoes are just so painful I can't wear them at all,

You might find it easier to think of shoes for me as being more like a medical device than an item of clothing.

Maybe similar to the boots that people wear for fractures? You can't really expect people to take those off either.

I take your points on board and I will be honest. The carpets generally look fine if you glance at them. They are looking grubby and greyish in areas though and I think it’s getting me down because they didn’t look this bad when we moved in only 3 years ago. The carpets were not new when we moved in but previous owners did a good job looking after it despite having 3 kids, and I wanted to maintain that. They are fine now but they don’t look nice and fluffy and clean like when we moved in.

Maybe I do need to get over that though! And yes, for the sake of MIL who generally is a delight to have in our lives, perhaps I should make peace with it.

My Dad & his wife used to do this.
I would repeatedly tell them, it took endless times for them to get the message.
My Dad would even walk onto the cream carpet, with his boots on, then take them off and put them next to him on the carpet!!!!!

However my MIL & her partner ALWAYS keep their boots/shoes on, and my Husband refuses to say anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Infuriates me.
If they are coming over for the day/Xmas etc I will set a group WhatsApp, specifically to say 'Please bring your slippers, as we do not want outdoor footwear on the carpets'

Which they they do!!
But it seems to escape their brains at any other time.

Mine is not a cultural thing, it's a respect for our home thing.

carpets are going to get grubby. everywhere gets grubby over time that's the nature of the game. to me it's a pick your battles she does so.much for you. it's not going to kill you or your family. you also don't live in a shoe house
there are none of my friends or families ask yob to take their shoes of in our houses. I work from home alot and actually wear shoes or runners when working as being dressed that way makes me feel like more productive. plus run in and out to washing line bins etc. slippers make me feel cold

I never commented on how dirty her shoes are. I never get the opportunity to inspect them as they stay firmly on her feet. Not that I would inspect them 🤣

why is it so hard to understand? There can be both specks of dirt and it also affects the look of the house too! Don’t see why you needed to make up the bit about anything being ‘utterly filthy’. Ok I will go into minute detail about it if I must. I walked to our upstairs family bathroom this morning and there was specks of mud, at least I hope it was mud. I had to clean then as they were little clumps that when trod on or crushed would leave a brown mark on the floor. At the same time, the general look of the carpets in house is somewhat dirtier than I would like and expect.

I don’t know why I need to own up to anything. I have said I don’t like shoes in my house. I ‘own it’ already 😂

Op, if you do want to get some movement on this, then I would suggest getting your DH to talk to his mum.

People of that generation in general do not share medical issues so if she does have problems with her feet or balance she will not tell you.

If she has problems then she will do exactly what she has done - hear you and ignore you because sharing medical information is not done and she'd rather be banned from your house than have to have that conversation.

So get DH to do it. Take her somewhere she is comfortable, have a good chat, buy coffee, ask how she's doing, whinge about some minor medical ailments of your own or your elderly relative (made up if necessary) and see if she says anything then. If she seems relaxed and comfortable he might even be ok to ask her directly.

Then you might be able to do something that works for both of you.

I know members of that generation who did not even tell their husbands they had cancer until 2 weeks from death.

Most certainly not an Irish thing. any house I have been too has never ever asked to take their shoes off. just went to a cousins christening last week 50 people on house all ages and all wearing shoes
if any of my friends started it we be saying she has "notions" 🤣🤣

I think it’s the fact that said shoes never come off even if they have been on muddy/dirty adventures 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a close relationship with MIL and she tells me about her health problems with her eyes and her skin and more! I think if she genuinely felt more comfortable with the shoes on because of a health problem she would just say so.

Yes, it is a personal thing. I guess I wanted to take some of the awkwardness out of the conversation by maybe casually mentioning it. I’ve thought of finding a pair online and saying “oh MIL don’t you think these shoes look nice and comfy for in the house? If you like them I would like to get them for you to wear as house shoes when you are here”. But it may be more complicated than that because it is so personal 🤔

I feel your pain OP.
I grew up in a shoes on being completely normal household and now operate a very shoes off one.
I generally have no problem with guests wearing shoes as they are only there for a limited time. And I will gulder at the teenager and their pals ‘SHOES OFF’ as soon as they arrive cos I don’t need 4 pairs of DM’s clomping all over the place.
But I would really struggle to tell my 70 something parents to take their shoes off.

Wow, thanks for reminding me that song exists 🤣🤣🤣 I will sing it in my head every time I see MIL in her shoes now!

YANBU - outdoor shoes inside are absolutely GROSS and dirty. Especially with a baby crawling around on the floor. I just don't understand how you can walk around all day long stepping in God knows what, and then walking onto your carpet.

Your MIL sounds lovely - as PPs have suggested I would just get her indoor shoes and probably get your husband to mention it nicely to her😊

@Wexone "notions" - totally 😂

FWIW, I'm Irish living in the UK. Literally NONE of my friends on either side of the Irish Sea are shoes-off people.

I think you just need to ask her when she comes into the house "Would you mind taking your shoes off? Can I fetch your slippers?" And repeat. Have a very specific spot for her shoes. Make a point of offering to clean or dry them if necessary. My grandchild would remind people to remove shoes, won't your DC?

You're trying to change the habit of a lifetime, it will probably take a while.

exactly bigger issues to worry about
ope has kids give up on having a perfectly clean house for at least 10 years

Shoes in the house is such a gross concept to me- it just seems to be a common sense thing to take
off your outdoor shoes before coming in- just basic hygiene! I’ve had people bitch about taking shoes off in my house before, but they’re not the ones washing the floors or living here so I don’t give a shit lol. I’d stand my ground on this if I were you!

@AhNowTed no what's fucking rude is someone walking around in your house with their shoes on when you've told them not too. Some people need telling straight.

It’s very likely simply a case of habits are hard to break. You’ve asked her in the past to take shoes off - or did you say “how about we get you these slippers so you are more comfortable?” She clearly prefers shoes and doesn’t find them uncomfortable so she doesn’t think it’s necessary to change.

And if you asked her ages ago, she never really started doing it, and you’ve not mentioned it again, she probably thinks you don’t really care either way. I think you have to just keep asking over and over, reminding, making it a lot more clear that this is what you’d like her to do - not just by hoping she sees you all in socks and her abandoned slippers by the door and sees the error of her ways. You’re trying to get her to change a very ingrained lifetime habit with no actual advantage to herself - so you’re going to have to be quite clear and remind her a lot (politely of course).

I’d be continually coming up to her as soon as she comes in saying “oh here are your slippers / indoor shoes etc” “would you mind just popping your shoes off? We’re trying to keep the carpet nice for the babies” and “oh let me take your shoes, thanks”. Just keep at it.

They did a study on the possible chemical toxins that you can bring into your home on shoes e.g. asphalt road residue, pesticides from lawns, PFAS.

My take is that whilst you can't avoid these completely, it's better to minimise exposure by doing something simple like taking shoes off in your home.

https://edition.cnn.com/2022/04/11/world/shoes-home-contaminants-scn-partner/index.html