To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

Oh sorry!! There is no way ANYONE is wearing shoes in my house so I would have just told her to take them off!

At times in our life we have to have awkward convos.

I hate them. Most people hate them. But just imagine, once you've done it you'll have shoe free floors forever! 😊

Open by offering to buy her some indoor shoes rather than slippers and it will make the convo go along a bit easier perhaps? The 'do you not fancy wearing the slippers we bought?' sort of thing.

The cultural element is that some people grow up with a real instinctive reaction to shoes inside that doesn’t make logical sense as they feel the same way even if the shoes are brand new and have never been out in the street. It is perhaps akin to those cultures where food is only eaten with a particular hand due to the other hand traditionally being used for wiping your bottom.

The converse of this is that inside shoe wearers do not have that instinctive reaction and can’t identify with it. It’s too simplistic to say that they are all disgusting people who don’t mind shit being trampled into their carpets, because of course dirty shoes will be removed, and doormats are there for a reason.

I do this too. I'm only really comfortable in laceups so I have designated "indoor" trainers (with elastic laces, and a shoe horn handy, for easy on-off if I'm going in and out)

Been there done that with carpet cleaners. Backbreaking work when you have a big house. It would take up the whole weekend and probably more! Tbh if I had a carpet cleaner myself and did the labour of cleaning the carpets I would probably be MORE inclined to tell MIL that I nearly broke my back cleaning it so could she not wear shoes 🤣

I think your MIL is being unreasonable. It's your house, she knows you and DH don't want shoes worn indoors, she has slippers. It's not like you're expecting her to absorb it via osmosis, she's been expressly told.

I think this is one to leave to your DH, rather than you trying to talk to her about it.

I think he should suggest to her that it would be fine to wear a pair of specific 'indoor shoes' in the house, that don't go outside, if it's a foot support or comfort thing and she doesn't like slippers. But outdoor shoes need to come off.

If it's a mobility problem with bending and taking them on and off, perhaps a chair in the hall and a long shoe horn could be helpful?

"MiL you know those slippers we got you? Im guessing they're not that comfy as you never wear them? Would you be happier with just another pair of your usual shoes but just kept for indoors? I'm happy to buy them for you."

She has slippers at my house that she bought though. I will put them in a prominent place to remind her of their existence I think 😂
I do think the indoor shoes is a great idea. Now I need to start a style and beauty thread because I have no idea where to get such things!

Buy some shoe covers for those who insist on wearing shoes in the house. My DH wears these when he visits clients’ houses.

(In my opinion, people who wear shoes in ‘shoes off’ houses are being utterly disrespectful).

You do know that she doesn’t actually think (but not care) that she is spreading dog faeces around your house?

If you really do have unusually shit-smeared streets round your way, perhaps point out to her that this is the reason why she needs to do things differently at your place compared to her own.

Shoes always come off at the door, my Dad brings his slippers with him if he knows he'll be here a while. Friends take their shoes off when they come round. I have a pair of sliders by the back door that I wear in the garden and for putting the bins out, they come off on the mat.

I always find it odd when people put shoes on first thing then stay in shoes all day. I can't wait to take mine off. Doesn't matter how comfortable they are but don't they ever curl up on the sofa?!

They are no different to outdoor shoes, the only difference is that they are never worn outside!

I know, I read in your OP that she has slippers. I was commenting about other people who do not provide slippers, it was a more general observation.

@Mudonstairs , they don't need to be indoor shoes, house shoes or slippers. They could be shoes that aren't worn outdoors.

She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help
Worth you just compromising a bit to make her feel comfortable then surely? I assume you have a doormat and she's not traipsing mud through your house? You sound awfully over dramatic. It's not 'bizarre' to wear shoes indoors. Millions of people do it without a second thought. If it's really too much for you to bear I guess your actually going to have to pay for childcare!

FIL wears slippers at home and in our house. I didn’t mention him because there is no issue with him but maybe I should have mentioned that. I thought it would be relevant to mention that because of my own upbringing I find it bizarre. It doesn’t mean that it is, but even my DH who lived with his mum thinks this and she is the only person I know that does this. All of our friends (not from my culture, if that matters) also take their shoes off, so to us it is…. Well bizarre, it’s not me being mean, just being honest about my feelings, doesn’t mean I am right though does it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

can you make something up to justify having the conversation now?

'oh MIL a horrid fox has started using our front garden as a toilet, it's so grim! I got some poo on the carpet the other day and thinking about it, it must be getting on all our shoes every time we walk up the path, so we're all having to be more strict about shoes off I'm afraid - it was only a tiny bit but it was right where child was putting their toys and I can't imagine how much we were treading in in bits too small to see 🤢'

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

I can see that you have a difference of opinion on this, but I do think you are also making it into a much bigger deal than it actually is - I cannot imagine someone wearing shoes in your house occasionally affecting the look of the house to the extent that you are saying your whole house looks bad because of it.

Hotter slippers are more shoe like. Perhaps she would take to these?
I hate shoes indoors but I have two elderly friends who would struggle with taking shoes on and off when they visit me so I make allowances for that.

The converse of this is that inside shoe wearers do not have that instinctive reaction and can’t identify with it. It’s too simplistic to say that they are all disgusting people who don’t mind shit being trampled into their carpets,

Is it though? <tin hat on>
I mean if there's a baby crawling round, for example, do folks still think outdoor shoes are ok in that part of the house? If not then they know darn well nasty crap comes in on outdoor shoes. I hate it when people walk further than the hall with their shoes on in our house. My kids roll about sit on the floor a lot to watch telly in the living room, there's a craft i do which needs me to measure stuff out on the floor in there because it's v long, and i like it clean.

I find 90% of folks these days see the clean house (and the shoes in the hall maybe?) and just take their shoes off. Or ask. Even the tradesmen just do it. (i say even them because out of everyone they prob have more reason to keep theirs on. safety ect).

Re: culture, I think a culture of cleanliness is a good one.

As stated, it’s bizarre to me as per my culture. I am posting to get the perspective of others so thanks.

I couldn't bear slopping around in slippers all day. And I can't bear taking my shoes off indoors.

I guess a compromise, as a PP said, is to let her choose some "indoor shoes" that never leave your house, and you pay for.

Is it OK for me to say that I find Indian people eating food with their hands “bizarre”, because I was brought up to use cutlery? Nope.

Shoes etiquette guide:

www.veranda.com/luxury-lifestyle/a45428649/should-you-take-your-shoes-off-in-someone-elses-home/#

Speaking as a disabled person the provision of a bench is very helpful - I still remember not being able to get to PIL's house in my wheelchair, wobbling across their garden on my crutches and then them wanting me to take my shoes off with nowhere to sit down!

Thanks 😊 yes I suppose sometimes we have to just bite the bullet and say what we want as respectfully as possible.

I know if I offer to buy her indoor shoes she will buy them herself and make me feel worse. That’s what happened with the slippers she already bought 😂