To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes, I totally understand that and it does annoy me too when I go to others houses that I have to go barefoot but I never even ask, I just take my shoes off when I go to my friends as that’s what we all do. I even bring a pair of fluffy socks if I’m among close friends/family. If it’s around a not so familiar crowd I will look at what the hosts are wearing and make a judgment call. If hosts are in slippers then barefoot it is 😂

I am a shoe in house wearer. I genuinely find it more comfortable and relaxing to wear shoes than not. Some people do.

I’m much more inclined to take shoes off in the house (or any house) if there’s a clear comfortable place in the hall to sit to do so. Whenever we get back from a walk and it’s been wet or muddy outside we of course take our shoes off before coming in, but it’s a really awkward log jam at the front door / in the narrow hallway, balancing on one leg, getting in each others way etc. It’s so much better if there’s somewhere to actually sit and do it comfortably.

The upshot of our narrow tiny hallway is that shoes tend to come off and on in the living room, which is the first place you can actually sit down. So we have a big hall rug that absorbs a lot of the damp etc.

Once or twice some actual nasty muck has been trodden in. Even if it’s the teeniest bit it still smells very strongly, and I would say it’s extremely obvious if any dog/fox muck is on shoes usually before you get to the front of the house, and certainly if any actually has come in (careless kids, last minute dash to the bins in the dark etc) it’s immediately obvious and it’s been cleaned up straight away. Anything else is bits of leaf, the odd flower petal, a bit of mud - messy but not particularly insanitary. We were much more careful when we had crawling babies though.

Ha ha ha! And they spray anti-bac absolutely everywhere.

I didn't ... but now i have!!

Thanks a bunch 🙄😂

I think I’d rather be judged for being a dirty shoe wearer than get my bare feet out in front of people. I’m very very ashamed of them and they’re only “people ready” over a couple of months in the summer where I’m forced into sandals and do my very best to make them presentable.

How fucking rude.

If you go to a house and the host is in shoes do you keep your shoes on ? This is a genuine question presumably you wouldn’t want to get the dirt onto your socks . I would expect someone to take off muddy footwear but otherwise I’m not bothered, we have a dog and he comes in and out so it would be a big hypocritical of me to ask people to take shoes off .

Regardless of the childcare she should respect their home, they don't want shoes worn in the home and it's bothering them both so they need to be honest and ask her to stop. I doubt MIL would say she's not going to care for the DC just because she can't wear shoes in their home, that would be so petty. If she did decide that then that shows what kind of person she is and she'd see a lot less of her DGC.

She might if she was spoken to as rudely as the pp suggested. That’s not petty.

Great reply, makes so much sense. Maybe use your words next time though.

Yanbu, outdoor shoes worn inside homes is just gross. Ask her to bring a pair of comfy shoes to leave at yours that she can change into when she arrives and will wear indoors only, just clean the shoes thoroughly before she starts wearing them round the house. Then she can still wear shoes for whatever reason but they won't be covered in outdoor nastiness (dog crap, mud, rain etc). Sorted!
You're definitely nbu, you have set a boundary and MIL is crossing it deliberately - your MIL is the one being unreasonable here. Looking after her grandkids and helping you guys out doesnt give her the right to purposely ignore your boundaries or do as she pleases in your home, esp when you've politely asked several times.

😮 you would seriously stop a grandparent seeing their grandchild because of shoes . This place is baffling sometimes

If it was about her comfort I would totally compromise, but she hasn’t said it’s about that. In the past, she has actually agreed with us that it is a good idea to take them off but when it actually comes down to it she keeps them on, this is what is so strange. If she said she feels more comfortable with them on I would understand that more.

Yes, we have a doormat but due to where we live, a doormat doesn’t mean anything I’m afraid. We live near country lanes with no footpath so muddy, and we live near a beach. MIL thinks nothing of walking around in the rain or the beach and coming home wearing those same shoes in the house. Sure I am not the only one thinking this is bizarre!

I feel the same - didn't know it was an Irish thing!

@Rainrainrainrainrainrainrain

Can't quote sorry.

You said something along the lines of - surely no-one feels uncomfortable because they are not allowed to wear dirty shoes indoors?

Yes I do.

I was in an accident and smashed my foot up. Lots of reconstructive surgery. I only have a few shoes I can wear without pain. If I had to take them off and go in socks only or barefoot the pain would be really bad.

I still hate my PILs because they made me take my shoes off from only months after my accident. Fuckers.

Ok, I'm an extreme case, but there are plenty of people who need orthotics/foot support etc.

Not everyone is able bodied.

It shouldn't be said rudely but they need to be firm and clear on what they want. MIL is obviously very kind to offer help with their DC but that doesn't mean they have to walk on eggshells and can't be honest about how they feel. I think most people appreciate honesty and would rather know if they were doing something to bother/upset someone.

I’ve had a similar conversation that wasn’t actually made up. My mum and step dad were staying here a couple of weeks ago and step dad was walking home in the evening so hadn’t seen that he had stepped in dog mess. He walked into the house with it on the bottom of his boot but luckily he takes his boots off when he comes in the clean up was easily done as our hallway is hard floor. I explained this whole scenario to MIL and said that this is why we don’t wear shoes in the house and she agreed that it is a good idea!

So it appears she either forgets or she secretly doesn’t want to take her shoes off but plus along every time we mention it. If she is just forgetful I’m happy to remind her. If it is a battle of wills I am reluctant to engage in said battle IYSWIM.

YABU because you need to just say…take your shoes off please.

We are shoe indoors household and I find the outrage a bit OTT. If i go to someone’s house i’ll offer to take my shoes off, although i don’t particularly like having my feet out in front of the others, depending on who it is.

Op I have to wheel my pushchair through my living room, you’d be horrified!

It's a cultural issue for people who come from a no shoes indoors culture!

Oh it isn't. As much as people on Mumsnet pretend to faint at the idea of shoes inside the house, the reality is that this was perfectly normal in most European countries (including the UK) until quite recently, as in maybe two decades.

It is not occasionally though is it. She stays here 3 nights per week.

I've a sign at the side of my door asking people to take their shoes off. Not one person has objected. Outdoor shoes inside a house is skanky. Just ask her to bring another pair of clean shoes for your house

Ooh thanks I’ll take a look at hotter slippers!