To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

Where is your partner and why can't they help?
Do you get the free nursery hours for the 3 year old?

Do you have a partner? If so then there is no reason why he can't take the kids for a weekend and let you have a breather.

If you don't, sympathies. I was a lone parent and never got a break. It's difficult but you make it through.

It is really hard when you are in the middle of this. Take it a day at a time and it will get better.

Do you have a partner? Get a cleaner

I hear you. Moan as much as you want here.

I wouldn’t expect DH to have them for a full weekend. I’ll get hate for this but to be honest he isn’t great with some aspects of very little children. He’s loving and gentle and he wants to make them happy but when he does have one of them it almost always ends in more work for me anyway.

DS attends nursery for two days a week which is a bit less work but I still have to navigate nursery runs and food and naps. It’s hard going.

I probably will consider getting a cleaner when I go back to work but I do find they create work as well as (hopefully) lessening the load so it isn’t necessarily a solution in itself.

I’ll get hate for this but to be honest he isn’t great with some aspects of very little children

He will learn though, if you let him. It is the hardest job in the world. You should have help.

It is hard. It’s exhausting. I totally hear you. You’re doing great. I know it often doesn’t feel like that, but I promise you are. And you are not unreasonable in the slightest to want a break. You love them, but at this stage it’s relentless.

OK. So you do have DH who could let you have a lie in one day, you have the option but you're choosing not to take it.

He just doesn’t though @Sususudio and it’s me who ultimately ‘suffers’ for want of a better word. He forgets to remind DS to go to the toilet so lots of wet pants (DS isn’t the best at instigating toilet trips) he feeds him crap so he’s high as a kite and wakes even earlier lets him watch gibberish on his phone. Fundamentally he’s a good man but he isn’t the best with very little ones.

Your partner needs to help more. What you're describing isn't (or shouldn't be!) normal.

You are both the children's parents, and the more he does the better he will get at being with them.

If you want an argument there are loads of threads about that.

I do sometimes have a small lie in but then I get up and have to do it all. That’s not a break in a meaningful sense, is it?

Anyway I don’t want this to be a DH pile on, he is fantastic in some ways, crap in others. Just as I am.

I'm sorry but that is ridiculous and borderline neglectful.

I was a lone parent from the age of 18, had no idea what I was doing and somehow I managed and figured out what to do. But of course I'm not a man and nobody babied me or made excuses for my poor parenting. Standards for men are on the absolute floor.

if you never leave your DH to take charge and make a mess and then have to sort that mess out, he will not learn and you'll continue to have to do all childcare and household stuff. and you won't get a break until the kids are 18.

let him be in charge. let him mess things up. let him clean up the wet clothes / grumpy kids etc. let him learn to properly be a dad.

As soon as you are able I would go away for a whole day (or longer!). He will learn what works and what doesn't, the children will survive. Or find some other way to make it absolutely non negotiable that he steps up and parents them - for some families the only way this happens is divorce but I hope it doesn't have to get to that!

Otherwise trust me you are going to have this problem for a very long time. Fathers like this don't magically improve once the children get a bit older, they really don't.

I don't want to argue with you as you are having a tough time already. I hope you have a bunch of friends in the same situation. I had a non-sleeper as well, and baby groups kept me sane. In another year or less- not one day- your life will be much easier. I found 4 a lovely age.

It's not an argument. It's women making excuses for their rubbish husbands, yet again. Someone with a penis can't possibly be expected to know how to parent young kids properly.

Oh OP, not being able to feed, entertain or deal with the toilet needs of your own children appropriately is not just one thing you can compare with others. It's really not OK

I'm sorry you're in this situation, I really am. But denial isn't going to improve things.

I found this the hardest, hardest time with my kids. Looking back, I wish I had a) had them both in childcare one day a week. We could have afforded it, but I was too exhausted to organise it… b) taken myself off for one night every 3-4 months. Said to DH kids are yours for 24 hours. Then booked into a b&b and slept/ate watched crap tv. Then he has to deal the the consequences. You might come back to a madhouse, but you will need a bit rested and he will have had insights into both your and his parenting. Good luck!

OP💐 You sound exhausted. I remember it well. I also remember feeling that only I could do things properly. I found it hard to let DH
support as he did it all wrong!! Now kids are in their 20's and alive and kicking. I realised that the need to control for me was PND and found that with help I got to relax. Yes dh still did things differently (wrong)...but I left him to also deal with it...he got better!
Your kids need you, but to be present self care is really important, talk to HV or GP. If my story resonates.

Yabu. You don’t want suggestions you just want everyone to agree with you?

Did you have the second child by mistake - surely you noticed you have no support from dh and you don’t really enjoy parenting the early years? I can’t understand why you’d have a second child in this situation when literally everyone says how much harder it is with two preschoolers.

Ultimately if you don’t want to have serious chat with dh about his parenting skills and you don’t want a cleaner because mysteriously that’s harder work than doing it yourself and you don’t want any suggestions to help yourself in a situation you knowingly put yourself in, I can’t really sympathise too deeply with your need for a break from it all.

Because you're in the middle of it you can't see any solutions. Not everything to do with the dc/home is your problem to solve, no wonder you are exhausted! eg, ds wets his pants, why is that more work for you? Dh is quite capable of changing him, putting wet clothes in machine etc. why are you even aware this is happening? So what if ds is on his phone? Just go back to sleep, you need it!

Op. Sometimes Mumsnet tells you what you need to hear, even though you don't want to hear it.

This is one of those times. Listen to the other posters who are telling you that your husband is being a waste of space, and you need to kick him into shape before you break. Because you will, at this rate.