To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

Your H has done a real number on you if you think this waste of space is ‘a good man’ and ‘fantastic’.

You keep denigrating yourself by saying you’re crap too, but you’re the one doing it all whilst he hides at work til as late as he can.

Good men don’t need to be reminded to not be lazy or take their dc to the loo.

You have a lot of misplaced anger on this thread, when it should be directed to your H.

Absolutely!

Look, you can do what you want and comment as you see fit, but it is coming across as unnecessarily argumentative and endless lectures about why I’m wrong and living my life all wrong aren’t supportive. That’s sort of what pulls your motives into question a bit.

You keep saying I’m arguing and I’m not. I’m trying to defend myself! There’s a difference!

Life with small children is just exhausting. There’s no easy way around that. My time to relax, read, have baths, eat meals in restaurants, visit museums and actually read the displays, will come again. I’m an old mum and I had forty years of doing as I wished and I’ll have more time again (god willing!) but it is exhausting in the here and now.

And anyone who thinks I’m angry is just being a bit odd, I’m typing this lying next to a sleeping DD and trying to eat wine guns quietly. If I was any calmer I’d be in danger of slipping into a coma 😂

I am not sure I have any solutions to offer OP, but you have my every sympathy.

I totally get it. When my DC were younger I sometimes found myself thinking that a week in hospital would be quite the treat (obviously not with something life-threatening) just so I could lie in bed all day, and nobody would ask anything of me. Even a short stint in prison, provided you had your own cell, quite appealed. Think of all the reading and sleeping.

Hang in there. It's damn hard, but it does pass.

@Backintothewoods I've had small children and a decent father to them, what you are describing is alien to me.

A "man" that can't feed his own child a decent meal? A "man" that can't ensure his child doesn't wet himself?

I'm also defending my position!

@MotherofPearl I had those prison fantasies during the early days with DS, the lack of sleep really hit me like a tonne of bricks!

OK @puzzledout , let’s leave it there as honestly I can’t see there’s anything to be gained by this.

Well let's hope he changes @Backintothewoods and you get a desperately needed break.....

I agree with puzzledout.

I feel sorry for the op and how tired she is and I understand sometimes we all need a good moan but to defend a man who doesn't give his own child breakfast and lets him wet himself is awful.

Thank you!

I hope in time OP realises that it's just not acceptable, and she doesn't need to defend him.

It would be completely fair to go away for a night to yourself as you have them on your own 1 night a week due to DH working away? You could go literally anywhere… cheap hotel/airbnb, parents house, friends house. Or ask DH to take the kids to the inlaws or a friend’s for a night so that you can have the house to yourself for a night. The options are endless but my main point is it’s not unfair at all as you’ve done plenty of solo nights so I think you’ve earned one back!!
My partner started off very similarly to this - on his first full day solo with DS he forgot the morning bottle, gave him a totally random breakfast, massively mistimed a nap, no lunch before softplay so then meltdown there etc etc but guess what…. they both survived 😂 And then guess what… the next time he had him he had learnt what not to do! Yes he still makes mistakes or doesn’t do things exactly as I would, but I didn’t enter parenthood as a single parent and I don’t intend to be one whilst in a relationship!! We’re a team - sometimes he has to be reminded of that as obviously I am mostly the default parent but communication is EVERYTHING!

Communicate with your partner about how much you’re struggling, come up with some realistic ways he can help you, and maybe reach out to the GP about how you’re feeling as you may need more help than you think, it’s not uncommon xx

@Backintothewoods can your DH take them out for the afternoon? I was shattered today, so my DH took them out all afternoon to soft play, then the park. It sat and did absolutely nothing. It was lovely!

OP, there are some parents out there who will never understand how hard it can be because, statistically speaking, a significant minority of parents are lucky enough to find all their children were good sleepers.

A good night's sleep makes all the difference to parents with littlies and its hard for people who've never experienced it to understand the effect continuous sleep deprivation has on your ability to 'make the most of' this undeniably precious time with your babies.

Both of ours were poor sleepers (5 years apart so 8+ years of poor sleep)

A friend couldn't understand why I was knackered every single day, as she just popped her baby down at 6pm and he slept for 12 hours from about 4 weeks old.

And to be honest, I wondered what we were doing wrong! But then they had a second.. who turned out to be a poor sleeper and they quickly understood!

Supposing it's 50:50 whether a baby is a good sleeper or unsettled (for variety of reasons that could be discussed on another thread). Statistically, 1 in 8 couples would have 3 children who all slept like angels - and another 1 in 8 would find all 3 never slept well.

This fact might help to explain why some posters just don't seem to get it.

I promise you, it does get better. Slowly but surely it gets better... especially the sleep.

Also a great hack for a short break (obviously not an entire weekend away) is doing the food shop online for collection but telling DH you're off to do the food shop and he's watching the kids at home. An hour in a cafe to yourself before collecting the shopping - Bliss!

OP, I get you, almost in the same boat, talk away and I understand, I get a lie in but have to emphasise all the jobs I would have had done need to be gone before I get up otherwise the lie in is useless..

Could you not leave the kids with your husband one Saturday afternoon and meet your mates for cocktails in town or something Op? @Backintothewoods

obviously I know it’s not a whole weekend break but might make you a feel a bit better?

I'm not going to bother wading through the full thread but just wanted to say mine are 5 and 2 and it goes get easier. Going back to work was the game changer. Even now there are little milestones all the time that make it easier. I know in about a year we'll be flying.

It's hard though, and I think you're right to see it as part of the journey. I tell myself this is a season in my life - 7 or 8 years where it's all been really hard but also joyous - and one day I'll look back and miss these days.

Good luck OP, you're in the hardest bit at the moment and that would be true regardless of what kind of dad their father is.

I honestly do think things will get easier. I think it's absolute BS when people say "they don't get any easier they just get different". Truth is I think we all just forget! There is nothing harder than not sleeping! Once your kids get to a certain age they'll entertain themselves and you'll have more time for yourself.

I also think your husband might be able to deal with them better as they get older. My husband is terrible at making food for our baby (he is the main cook) but as my eldest son has got older he has always given him meals and snacks!

Think most of us have been there, its hard and you need help, your husband needs to take over and let you have a break, a nice day for you or a night away if you can afford, you need this x

OPif your DH refuses to man up and parent properly - and his refusal or pathetic attempts so far are a choice he is making - then you need to accept that this will not get much easier. You may in the meantime make yourself extremely poorly through exhaustion.

You have a choice here in how things/his efforts may or may not look differently in future. Also accept that if he does decide to properly pitch in parenting HIS CHILDREN then it will be a very gradual, baby steps process but you will get there.

Continue as you are and the challenges will differ as the kids grow but you will be doing it alone still.

I wouldn’t expect DH to go away for a whole weekend and leave me with two little ones actually. Maybe some people do but I wouldn’t do it to DH and I would be most pissed off if he did it to me.

///

But he's not borderline ill with exhaustion though, is he? And if I was you seem like you'd want to do all you could to help him before it got this bad

A man who I'm sure knows how much his partner is struggling and actively chooses to let this continue may not be abusive per say but is a pretty shitty human being. And asking a man to be a proper partner and do all he can and learn what he can't yet do, to parent his kids is not abusive FFS

He cocks up he sorts it’

--

I also like this very much

Not giving his own child breakfast or taking him to the toilet is inexcusable.

//

Actually it's more than that - it's neglect

Sorry but you are making a rod for your own back and protecting a crap husband at the same time, you need a break and he should absolutely be able to provide that for you, so what if he struggles for a weekend you are struggling daily

I am really pissed off with “husbands and fathers” getting away with doing the bare minimum- it’s not on. I had a Lying cheating manchild of my own for 7 years and I am so glad a relieved to finally be free of his bare minimum offerings - we deserve better than these cretins