To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

Literally no one has said LTB. Not one poster.

I actually think this thread is full of constructive advice and a lot of kindness. I’m going to step away now.

well you've managed to spend two hours on mumsnet, so . . . .

You need to let him get on with it, he would cope if you needed to have a sudden hospital stay, why wait for something terrible to happen before getting him used to parenting his own kids.

I remember my first night away, DS was about 12 months I think, I went to stay with a friend in a different city, we went to the cinema and had a 3 course meal at a fancy restaurant, then I had a full nights uninterrupted sleep. It was bloody amazing.

I have. I dropped no1 off at nursery, went to Sainsbury’s, had breakfast with DD (well, she threw some boiled egg around, pratted around on here while I got her to sleep and now she’s fallen asleep on me. I should do some housework but lash night was pretty hideous so I’m going to chill with her now.

Just chill, sod the housework.

Sanity is way more important

The thing is I really would not appreciate DH doing this to me so I’m not going to do it to him. In any case, we can’t afford it!

Nobody is asking you to 'demand perfection'. It's not demanding perfection to expect a father to be able to feed his children and either get them to the toilet in time or clear up the mess if that doesn't happen.
The DIY analogy is actually perfect - but say's the opposite of what you think. Nobody is born good at DIY. They read about how to do it, ask an expert to show them and then practice. Your DH could learn to be a good enough parent in the age saying he actually wanted to. Maybe ask yourself why he doesn't want to and deal with that.

Says. Why did autocorrect think that needed an apostrophe?

@Lionsgarden there is some kindness. There’s also a lot of badly spelled aggression from one poster, and other posters insisting it’s going to get MUCH worse. I was actually in a very low place last week and I do think posters should be mindful that comments like this can send others to a very dark place. When literally you’re holding on to ‘things will get better’ and someone says it won’t it can put some bad things in your head.

Did you not realise before you had children what it might be like? My children are grown up now so my advice is to try and make the most of these baby years as they are so fleeting.

Believe me I am still shit at it! And DH isn’t shit of course but he can be lazy and take the easy route. Anyway I don’t know how many times I can say even if we had help, even if DH was basically a male Mary poppins, we can’t afford it!

OP, you’re entitled to feel absolutely exhausted. The sleeplessness caused by a baby waking through the night is a level of hell that I remember all too well. I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with hoping that things will get better in a few years. They did for me. I’ve currently got a 15yr old and a 10yr old and although there are times when I’m awake in the night worrying about them, life is undoubtedly less exhausting for me than when they were little.

However, I do think there have been some helpful solutions offered in this thread that you’ve refused to consider. You’re absolutely convinced that your DH won’t change. People do when they have to. I was crap at DIY until I owned my first flat and things needed doing. It’s still not a strength, but I can get by. Same with parenting. The saddest comment I’ve read from you I’d when you said your children would suffer if you had a weekend away from them. Why? Do they suffer when their dad works away overnight once a week? Do they differ not seeing him much in the week? That very clearly shows that you don’t consider him anywhere near an equal parent in your family. In fact, you clearly consider him so inept that the children will “suffer” if you’re not there. That is a problem that needs fixing, or their relationship with their father will be permanently damaged.

As others have said, why not start gradually - he has sole care of the kids for a couple of hours, then 4, then 6. When it comes to a full weekend, does he have family he could take them to? When my partner was less confident with our kids he would take them to visit his parents. It meant more attention for the kids, more people on hand to care. Plus the added bonus that he wasn’t able to mess up our house because they were staying away!

Honestly no, I didn’t. I had more of an idea with no2 of course but I didn’t know what having two would be like. And it can be easy, my friends daughter reliably naps 2-4 every afternoon. But if you have a nap refuser it’s harder!

Thats really sad OP, you have a very low opinion of your partner, is he really that bad or do you just not want to have a difficult conversation with him?

We don't all suddenly know how to raise kids as soon as we have them, women get the hang of it quicker because they are thrust into being primary caregiver.

I had to have a frank conversation with my own partner when I went back to work because he wasn't pulling his weight with household chores. However he listened to me and worked on being better, because he isn't a dick who thinks his free time is more important than mine, and its my job to clean up after him. He was just a bit lazy and thought as things were getting done it wasn't a problem.

The hospital example I gave is from personal experience, I was out of action for 2 weeks, he had to step up and parent his child 24/7.

Yes it is…
this comment and one about your husband smack of martyrdom…”no one can do it like me”, “it makes more work for me”
You are in control of those feelings. You are knackered becuase I am guessing you have a strong sense of perfectionism and need to be in control
i am one such person.
but, if you dont want to head for a complete breakdown, or depression you need to take command of those feelings. You need to think critically around what tasks you are doing that take up this time. Work out what you can offload to a third party and pay for - it may not be your idea of perfect, BUT if it isn’t going to make you ill then it’s vital if you can afford it- doing nothing WILL make you ill. Then look at tasks you can’t offload to third party . Identify the ones that your partner can do. Again he may not do them way you want, but if it isn’t going to harm you , him or the kids, he needs to do them. It will help develop relationship with him and kids. It doesn’t create more work for you unless you step in, interfere, or try to perfect what he was done. Learn to resist that really hard.
Do you still want to be living a life where your kids and the household running and emotional labour are ALL down to you for next 15-20 years? You aren’t going to be happy, you’ll be resentful whilst partner breezes through life with little effort , and your kids take for granted you’ll be their doing everything for them as you can’t trust them to do stuff for themselves. Do you really think your marriage will survive that?

I appreciate you are feeling exhausted and I know what you feel like- I had 2 under 2 at one point and it was very tiring. I think a weekend to yourself seems unrealistic at this point so maybe break it down into smaller periods of breaks? e.g. while baby naps and toddler is in nursery take the chance to relax/read/watch tv rather than trying to catch up on errands. Get the toddler involved with housework- mine used to like helping with mopping/ some parts of food prep and even though it took longer, it meant less housework to do once kids are in bed. Do you think your DH could let you have a lie in on a saturday if you let him have a lie in on a sunday? I remember reading on MN once someone did a click and collect order at the supermarket and then spent an hour relaxing in the car before coming home after doing the 'grocery shop' so maybe see if DH can watch the kids for an hour so you get a break that way. I think trying to carve out some time to yourself for short breaks will probably help more for now although I understand the feeling of just wanting a longer break.

Regarding the baby sleep situation, have you tried any sleep training/ co- sleeping to make nights easier?

@Icepop79 its hard to explain. Take this morning for instance. DD woke at 3, got her back to sleep at 515, DS woke at 610. I put CBeebies on for him then got his teeth brushed, washed and dressed for nursery, pack nursery bag, woke DD, gave her a bottle, fresh nappy, lots of sudocreme as nasty rash and then nursery run. Called in at Sainsbury’s, home, made breakfast and she made a mess of course so I cleared it then got her to nap

I think DH would skip a lot of those things to be honest or need directing, so it doesn’t reduce my workload. He certainly isn’t unkind or anything. Anyway - he isn’t even here so no point hating on him!

@Backintothewoods I can't quote as on phone, but what's expense got to do with what I said? I said it's not u reasonable to expect a parent to do some child care and that you could show him or he could read a book if he wanted to get better at it. Zero cost implication.

OP, I’m sorry you’re getting grief.
It IS tough. Especially when you’re not getting much sleep; that, IME, makes everything worse. Things that you’d otherwise brush off suddenly feel insurmountable…
You know this, of course, from your DC1, but it does get better. Hang on in there… x

I’ve never cracked doing housework with a child. I can sometimes sort of do some
things around a child but it is like doing housework with a litter of Labrador puppies bringing me things I don’t need and looking very cute and wagging tails.

DS favourite things to do are turning on the dishwasher and tumble drier irrespective of whether either have clothes or dishes in them!

It does. On the very rare occasions I have just DS it feels really easy, he is happy just to chill with his toys or watch some Paw Patrol (I know …)

You’ve posted in AIBU…that’s a question…this board will always result in pile ons . Maybe you’re new and don’t realise that

maybe stop posting her and move to a more specific board about HOW to solve your problem.

your response do sound like you’ve already decided there is no solution and you are doomed to endure this. That is never the case, you DO have choices. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees when your in the dark of it. But if you do nothing, except complain and ask AIBU for complaining, then you will still be in this situation in 15-18 years time. Genuinely, not having a pop at you, but you do need to stop and get off the martyrdom merry go round and start thinking about solutions seriously. Only YOU can sort out how you are feeling . Not even your partner can “make” you feel better. He is part of solution that will allow you to make changes so you feel better

Sounds like he's already doing it though, what's he doing in the evenings and on the weekends while your cleaning and looking after the kids? Maybe its not a night away but by doing all the cleaning and childcare you are facilitating free time for him and getting none yourself.

@Dartwarbler i have said quite calmly throughout the thread that I am not seeking a solution. It is time, that’s all. I’m just moaning!

@LivingDeadGirlUK but there is a difference between work and going away for a break, though when I do go back to work it will totally be a break!

@Backintothewoods from your OP The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here

Now you say it's easy with just him because he'll chill playing or watching TV. Which is it?