To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

Looking after two children all day every day on minimal sleep is much harder than, or at the very least equivalent to, working full time, even if it’s 12hr days. She deserves equal rest time as him.

I'd put the DC who wets his pants in a pull up and send DH to the park with him. If DH doesn't get DC to the toilet on time it's not the end of the world. You'd get a bit of a break. Can you nap when 8 month old does?

Here's your medal 🏅

So the 3yr old suffers a regression in his toilet training because his dad can’t provide basic care? Marvellous.

I can sympathise! I am in the same boat with a 3 year old and 8 month old and feel the same way. It’s really tough.

OP I could have written this post when mine were that age. Ignore all the hate on your DH, mine was exactly the same - loves his kids but spoils them, not as organised as me and would generally create more chaos (in a way the kids loved but more work). He’s much better with the kids now they’re older and takes them away on his own, I go away for weekends with friends and come back to a tidy house and happy kids. It really does get easier. A day at a time and you’ll get your breaks soon.

Completely agree with cleaners creating more work, I’d love one but also like to control how it’s done and the tidying up before they come is most of the work.

Baby and toddler stage is relentless OP....I had a non sleeping non napping 2nd DC and a toddler who was very lively (literally if we weren't out the house by 9.00 am he'd be climbing the walls). Parks, playgroups, gymn sessions, little kickers, swimming and looong walks were the order of the day. I was dead from the neck down by 5pm. You have my sympathies.
When dc2 was 12 months I went back to work pt, but could only afford childcare for the two whilst I was at work. It was no easier (but I did at least talk to adults in more than snatched sentences).
We were skint and DH was pursuing his career and often away. School/pre school coincided with a big push on DH's career and that's when the wheels fell off the bus.
I was so so tired (DC2 at around 3 was still not sleeping reliably), reception dc1 was still a "lively personality" and I was utterly utterly fed up with how things had worked out.
I should add that DH was a committed and competent father when around and often had the kids at the weekend (I was studying/retraining). But the relentless grind fell to me. I realised we'd slipped into my career/life being dictated to by his higher earning/high flying job (we earnt the same before my first pregnancy).
I flipped out (well initially it was gradual, lots of rows where he would helpfully say well let's sell the house and move somewhere cheaper so I can work less). Then there was a year of DH being away a lot and I really flipped...I told him he had to be away a lot less and back at a reasonable time of an evening a lot more. It was non negotiable. Resentment was building up (which is a marriage killer).
I tell you all of this to suggest you don't allow it to get to that point.
A relationship is about teamwork and an equitable approach where you support each other. You can't keep going like this. If he is truly incompetent at childcare he needs to practice with feedback. If he's got a decent job he's not stupid and can learn things. You need to have a serious conversation about how much you need him to learn how to do this better. Tell him it's not acceptable to not do this well leave his child to wet himself because it means you feel you can't get a break. You need to make a plan as to how he can improve, ask him how he learns best and put in some SMART goals (tell him he needs to approach it like a work appraisal). You don't need cash to get a break. A day of mooching and the shops reading a book in a coffee shop and meeting someone for a drink is not going to cost a fortune. But he needs to be able to have them for most of the day and put them to bed. Build up to it. You also need a conversation about the long work hours. There are very very few people who genuinely can't cut back and get home twice a week at a more reasonable hour. People (often men) are either avoiding family commitments by working all hours or have a stupid insecure perfectionist streak that lead them to maintain a striving for recognition position at work. Neither is healthy or helpful in a genuine partnership.
The reason so many women are calling your DH out is because it's a walking cliché that can easily become corrosive and marriage ending. Best of luck with it all, but please do try and take the advice of all here to try to change things rather than just off-load/whinge (which is absolutely understandable, but will leave you stuck). You have more autonomy than you think.

Well your DH is useless as well!

I get why you side with OP though, must make you feel a little better.

But it's really a low bar.

@puzzledout I found that a really helpful post and I don’t think it’s fair attacking posters who are being kind and supportive.

Pointing out true facts isn't attacking. People just don't want to hear it.

Trying to help by saying her experience is the same is not helpful!

It's just making you think his parenting is ok and it's just not!

I know you don't like it, but it's true.

It isn’t about whether I like it or not, you don’t get to tell me what’s helpful to me and what isn’t; which I know sounds really bossy but not sure how else to put it!

No I'm realistic!

Anyway direct your anger to the father of your child? It would be better to correct him.

I’m not angry! I don’t know how you read my post as anger … sorry but it does kind of look like you’re after an argument.

And your not......@Backintothewoods

I honestly think you've got more important things to do than argue on MN!

The three hours you were arguing on the first day, you posted so much, it gave the impression that you were not needing a break and couldn't even get housework done! Three hours of arguing was on MN, really?

@puzzledout i literally just replied to say that I was grateful for some posts. I don’t find it massively helpful to keep telling me I’m living my life all wrong and my relationship is all wrong and I can’t see how you can’t know that.

But it is up to you.

As for better things to do, not really. I’m on my phone while sat in the middle of a soft play place!

Maybe you should've got your DH to do that, could've had a break?

It does get easier, you’re right 2.5-3 they aren’t as hard work as babies. Mine are adults and almost adults now, life is definitely easier and my life is almost my own again. The days are long but the years are short is what they should tell every new parent, it’s hard to enjoy it when you’re so tired but you will look back on these years with nostalgia one day

Why are you being so argumentative and rude?

Let’s say you’re right and I’m living my life all wrong. It doesn’t affect you, does it?

Thanks @Zanatdy

Anyone else wondering what the point of this thread was?

I literally say it in the first post.

It’s fine if you think it’s pointless but I’ve had some really helpful, lovely replies. It helped make me feel not so alone and realise how lucky I am. It’s fixated a lot on DH and that’s a shame but I can’t see it would have had a ‘point’ if it was all about what a bad man DH is to be honest (he isn’t.)

@Backintothewoods and you're not being argumentative? Again like the three hours you were posting arguing with everyone! An on average post of every 2.5 mins!

Really?

@puzzledout Give it a rest.
I think OP gets your point by now.

Just maybe OP wants to give it a rest and stop responding?

Just a thought 🤔!

It's a forum, I am entitled to comment, if OP doesn't like it, maybe ignore the advice she's been given?

I don't think he is a bad man but sounds a bit useless by the way you have described him. Maybe you should let him take the kids to soft play on his own and get a break? My husband does that.