To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

Op for the next few days why don't you eat with the dc, put them to bed and then go to bed yourself. Read, watch a film, go to sleep. Dh can look after himself when he gets in. Leave the housework, it's not important. Hopefully dh will clear up after himself and not create more work for you in the morning.

No one is saying you should leave. But you should be partners in raising these kids. It is easier and more difficult as they grow up. You have a different set of issues to deal with. People are right. You need to nip this in the bud now or grow to resent him and leave him in 5/10/20 years time.

I'd be having a frank conversation about his not stepping up and how you'll end up feeling down the road. Is he happy for you to fall out of love with him? If so he can carry on as usual. If not he can grow up and put effort in.

What did you expect when you decided to have children?

I think it’s ridiculous to suggest dropping two children off at a school disco is comparable to the 24/7 stuff I have at the moment. I have an older child. He is easier and was getting easier and then we had another. She is lovely but there is no doubt we’ve ’gone back’ in a sense. And it is tiring and sometimes thankless and exhausting and stressful. There are lovely moments but on the whole it’s just so tiring. I do think I should be able to talk about this, to be honest.

@Backintothewoods Kindly, I don’t think anyone is saying you should leave? I haven’t read that once on this thread. They are saying you should ask/tell DH to step up, or force him to by giving him more responsibility and leaving him for stretches of time (when you can). Have couples counselling, talk to his family, do whatever you can to get the message through that his attitude and behaviour isn’t good enough. Of course this shouldn’t be your responsibility, he should be stepping up anyway, but something has to be done.

I’m unsure (and concerned for you) why the choice for you seems to be between the status quo and leaving? Do you have so little faith he will listen to you or change?

I definitely was naive when I had my first!

I went into it with my eyes far more open with no2. And I don’t regret them for a moment, this is not one of those ‘I wish I hadn’t had my children’ posts, but I’m eight months down the line of having two (and a difficult pregnancy towards the end) and I am feeling tired and worn down by the demands.

Of course he won’t change. Just as I won’t suddenly become competent at DIY or similar, we are who we are. In any case, he just isn’t around much.

I long for the baby/toddler days now I’ve got some older children and a teen, they are so so so much harder and more exhausting now, and I had a baby who woke every 45 minutes until he was 2!

If you don’t have your DH on board now while everything is simple, you’re fucked for the future OP, you really need to sit him down and hash this out

I honestly do wonder whether people who post things like that are nostalgic, thoughtless or just unkind.

‘There are lovely moments but on the whole it’s just so tiring. I do think I should be able to talk about this, to be honest.’

@Backintothewoods you can definitely talk about this! It’s exhausting, of course it is! And I agree it’s the most exhausting time of all, though there are challenges to come.

It would just be less exhausting if your DH was parenting properly with you, that’s all anyone is saying.

You are being deliberately obtuse.
Dropping them off to a disco? Is that really all u got from the people telling u if hes crap now hes going to be worse later
And ive been sleep deprived. I had a newborn 16 month old and a 5 yr old starting school.
With a very supportive dh.
And id swop it for the sleepless months/years of a self harm school refusing depressed teenager.
Grow up and get your dh to also.
A lot more is to come.

This! OP you're coming across as a bit controlling. You need to let your dh learn. Honestly you need to go out for the day. And he's not allowed leave everything for you to do when you get home. When you go back to work you will need him to pick up the slack. Even now you are exhausted. You're not a single parent. He's an adult capable of adulting. What would
Happen if you were sick or had to go into hospital or something. He's a parent as much as you. It's not rocket science.

He does parent. I’m not trying to suggest he does nothing. But this idea some of you have that I can zoom off somewhere (where?) for a whole weekend while he is left with the children is just a fantasy. Even if we could afford it it would be really unfair, I’d be pissed off if he did it to me. And it would result in chaos and disruption and you know the ones who would miss out would be the children. They’d be upset and not know where I was and DS is pushed out enough. I really don’t think it’s a good idea even if it was possible and it just isn’t. I did say this at the very beginning of my post.

That’s really sad OP. Sorry to hear. I really don’t think parenting can be compared with DIY, but you know him, we don’t.

I personally think the vast majority of people can learn to be competent parents. (And actually probably to do DIY, with enough practice!)

But if you really have no hope of him learning to be a decent parent that’s very sad, and your other replies make more sense.

No. Realistic.
And im sick shit of hearing about useless men. And its worse when women enable them.
Good luck.

Take your aggression somewhere else, please. I really am too tired for it.

Im not engaging with you anymore dont worry.
You have no interest in listening to the truth.
And im not aggressive. U just dont like hearing it.

I was in your shoes a year ago with my two.
My DH was doing housework while I was dealing with the kids, or he'd take one for bedtime and I'd take the other. It was still exhausting and all consuming.
Your DH needs to step up and find something to be useful at. End of story. If he can't look after his kids then he's going to have to get involved looking after his home. I don't care if he's working or tired. So are you!
Better two tired and involved parents than one broken and exhausted parent.

None of the above
Just attempting to give you advice based on a wealth of knowledge and experience that you don’t have
But you don’t seem to want to take any advice and seem to think you know better than everyone here - so you just crack on being miserable 👍🏼

This wasn’t started as an argumentative thread so yes please if you would stop engaging that would be best.

I can’t demand perfection when I myself am not perfect. I recognise that. We share the load at the weekend but with two children that of course is not a break, it means I deal with one child not two!

Honestly op I wonder the same, never ceases to amaze me on MN how some

You don’t think they might be being honest then, and trying to help? I’m certainly not trying to be unkind just trying to stress that this isn’t going to solve itself.

Come back to us in 10 years OP when you’ve brimming with resentment and have 2 teens to look after and still no help, then we’ll see who’s being nostalgic!

Bananas, he just isn’t here in the week. That’s just how it is. Out first was a lockdown baby and he was around more but that’s gradually changed. I always knew this and it’s how it is.

My working part time is supposed to counter that balance and it does for the children but it does obviously mean domestic stuff falls disproportionately onto me.

And as I say in the future it will be me who has more time, more breathing space, a nicer life in many ways. Nothing is permanent. It’s just right now it’s really fucking hard and I don’t want to be flamed because I’m not LTB or whatever other stupid thing I should be doing. It's only when looking at someone else's life it's as simple as "unless they are 100% perfect, they're a dead loss and a waste of space".

One day sooner than I probably think I will get a proper break and read, relax, be lazy. But that’s a whole off yet. It just is, and all the obstreperous Mumsnetters in the world telling me it isn't or it shouldn't be won't change that fact.

Oops sorry pressed too soon! How some people love a pile on, filling a thread with unhelpful and negative comments, there's usually a few LTB comments that are totally uncalled for as well

And - sorry - but the semi gleeful ‘oh just you wait, it gets MUCH worse’ are ridiculous. Of course there are new challenges, there always are. I know when DS was in the throes of terrible twos those sweet cuddly baby days seemed so lovely and golden but they are really tough, especially when they don’t sleep!