To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

What are your weekends like OP?
Can you describe your routine?
Is there anything you are doing at weekends that can be 1. Outsourced 2. Knocked on the head (visiting relatives example)

I totally get it - particularly when they’re tag-teaming through the night/early morning!
But at the weekend, your DH is there and there’s obviously no need to get out to nursery so less pressure on getting things done by a certain time. That’s the time when he really does need to be allowed to step up. My partner and I alternated lie-ins throughout the early years - one would get Saturday and one would get Sunday. Likewise, there would be at least one night each weekend when he would be in charge of night-waking (obviously only could happen if not breast-feeding). He’s only going to learn what needs to be done if he gets to spend time with them without your safety net. I always used to joke that my partner was actually better at calming our babies down because he had to be creative - I always fell back on sticking a boob on their mouths! But it’s because he had to step up and learn to sort it out.

If he doesn’t step up and actively parent them when he’s around, they will never get to build that relationship with him. And I get that you divide and conquer at the weekends, but that’s not the same as him sole parenting both of them. He needs to get stuck in, plan a fun day out with them and take them out, leaving you in peace.

If you don't learn to communicate with your husband then when you go back to work you are going to be even more exhausted. Getting up with your kids, taking them to nursery and school, going to work, picking up the kids, coming home and getting them fed, washed, bed and then your going to end up doing the housework as well because your husband currently expects you to do everything and you don't expect him to change.

I agree. See if you can put the baby in one day a week. Aldi might have them build their immune system so they aren't hit with all the bugs when you're back at work. But I also echo what others say. Your husband is the only solution to you not having a shit life for the next 18 years

I was like you op. The solution I found was insisting that the kids go on a day out with their dad. The day out is his choice. Yes they would come back tired and dirty but they really loved those days out. He did it his way. If v you get enough of them you will feel so much better

Op, sorry also just seen the comment about “things will get better”. That’s hope.

one thing that life has taught me is that “hope” is a dangerous little emotion. Hope is a survival instinct . It allows us to put up with really bad situations when the option to take action seems risky. It is a way of the brain allowing us to deal with the “freeze” response of “fear of the unknown” vs fight or flight. It stops us despairing which can, at worse case, lead to us giving up and even taking our own lives in extreme examples.

But the flip side of this is Hope stops you doing anything in reality to change stuff. It makes us like the frogs in the pan slowly boiling- we avoid facing the reality until it is too late.

you are in a bad place, but you need to change. You need to get out of that pan, and the idea that hope means it actually will suddenly get cooler again. You need to figure out how you’re going to do that.

Hope is not a plan.

OP I get it and I'm further ahead than you. My two are now 2 and 4 and I remember those days on maternity leave where I just felt like crying.

My DH has always been quite good at giving me a lie in but I still had days when i just wanted to cry.

IT GETS BETTER. They now both sleep through (mostly) and have started to play together which means DH and I can make dinner, tidy up or even...watch some tv (gasp!) while they amuse themselves

8 months is a tough age and tough sleep. I won't pile onto your DH as I know that's not what you need but I think there is merit in encouraging him to do slightly more here and there so he can cope with more and not create work for you

Last Friday night I went out with some friends and had a bit too much to drink (whoops!). Felt awful Saturday and DH whisked the kids away and I spent ALL DAY in bed being delivered food and cups of tea. It was bliss! But at 8 months and 2 he never would have managed this.

Your time will come - it will get better!

And to those asking 'didn't you know what it would be like having kids?'

Oh, just do one!

No one....and I mean NO ONE really knows how hard work having kids can be until you have them and it can be a bloody great big shock!

Probably not. I take DS to his swimming lesson on a Saturday morning, and I could technically stop this but it’s one of the few opportunities we have together, just us, so am reluctant to do so. It’s always going to be hard work with very young children even with lots of support. We all find it easier out of the house so we generally go somewhere, national trust or similar or if the weather is really crap do something indoors like a child friendly museum or similar, it’s basically the same as what I do in the week but with another adult!

Thanks so much @milesmachine

What are the household tasks that you have to do at 7.30pm?

If you're husband is genuinely unable to look after the kids and you are happy with that then surely the least he can do is some household tasks in the evening so you can relax for a couple of hours or catch up on some sleep

Bless you OP.

Ive been there (but only with one child). I had a DH that was never available and it was all down to me.

My husband could have done more, but I now realise in hindsight that I didn’t have the sort of relationship with him where I could tell him honestly my feelings, or ask him to do things he didn’t want to do. I realise now it’s what’s called weaponised incompetence.

But that doesn’t help you NOW. I reckon most woman have a photo taken about 6 weeks on from birth, where she thinks she’s got it all together. She and the baby have clean clothes on, there’s no baby sick running down her front and she’s even brushed her hair. Go her!!

But a few years down the line she looks back at that photo and all she can see is the emptiness behind the eyes. Running on no sleep does that for you.

I was told by my midwife if you can’t keep up to your standards, lower your standards.

Id like to suggest you check out your health perhaps with your GP. It’s possible that you could be depleted in certain vitamins. I also wonder if there could be an element of Post Natal Depression. I had it, I wasn’t actually depressed but I had that feeling I just couldn’t cope, and whatever sleep or break I got from my Dd was never enough. I was running on absolute empty. Mine PND didn’t start til she was 11 months old. It coincided when I stopped breastfeeding and I still think it was connected.

Can I suggest you spend a week concentrating on sleep only. Go to bed as soon as they are in bed, hang the housework, it’s only for a week. Maybe get ready meals in. Get plenty of water and lots of healthy snacks. Just concentrate on getting uninterrupted sleep (as much as it is possible).

if you get to a stage when you know you’ve had much better sleep and you feel no better, then I think you should see a GP.

Best of luck, you are deep in the trenches and it always seems like there’s is no way out.

But he isn’t here @Richard1985 .

Right now I should be

Putting the laundry in the tumble drier away
emptying the dishwasher
putting the washing in the machine in the drier
putting a new load in

Things that need doing but can wait are

Tidying the living areas

Things that need Doing and probably won’t be done until summer are

Clean bathrooms
put kids outgrown clothes on vinted
clean DS bedroom
loads of other stuff …

I was a lone parent from the age of 18, had no idea what I was doing and somehow I managed and figured out what to do. But of course I'm not a man and nobody babied me or made excuses for my poor parenting. Standards for men are on the absolute floor.

//

Agree with this so much. Your DH is choosing not to try and get better and neglect his children a basic needs. There is no excuse for this

@Iamnotawinp thanks, it is tiring but I don’t think I have PND. There are some pressures on us which are getting me down but DD is just at a difficult stage, she wants to do more than she can. And her teeth are bothering her (hence the nappy rash) and she’s not taken to solids very well so that’s affecting sleep. I am trying to night wean her, hoping her day appetite will increase.

That’s why I chose not to have children.

But he's back at 8pm or 9pm most evenings so anything that you are doing at 7.30pm (which could include those washing chores) can be left until he is home

That’s fine. I am so glad I did and I don’t regret it for a moment. I just recognise it’s a really hard time. I don’t regret amazing holidays because I had to get up early or wait around in the airport. That’s what this is, it’s a journey and we’re at a hard time of this journey but we will come through it.

I agree with you as in I wouldn't leave my kids who are the most precious things in the world with a man like this. BUT, surely you wouldn't stay married to a man that is capable of neglecting and hurting his own kids on purpose? Is like saying "well my husband is a peadophile/violent/abusive/or similar but is amazing in other fronts so I will just stay married and make sure kids are never left unsupervised near him" like that solves the problem?

If the OP wants to hear this is OK we would all need to be lying

Yes, I could but the kinder thing to do is to sort it isn’t it? Espeically since the real slog are the sleepless nights, the early starts and keeping two very young children happy and entertained.

While you take eldest swimming your DH is at home with your baby?
Give him jobs, tell him what needs doing.
What about Sunday? What is your routine?
You both don't need to be out of the house for a full 2 days.

Life does get easier as they get older. You are in the thick of it at the moment and 100% entitled to a rant. However, don't be a martyr. Ask for help from your DH. You are struggling. He needs to share the load.

@FigAndOlive I guess I don’t think there’s much to be gained by repeating myself but I don’t think being a bit lazy is the same T all as violence or pedophilia.

But OP if your partners mental health was directly affected you would make it your mission to try. You'd accept in the early days you'd make mistakes and that's fine because you learn from them.

He isn't even prepared to try. That is not the attitude of a man who loves his partner and kids.

Agree with a pp that suggested if he can't man up and look after them he can at least pick up the slack elsewhere. So you eat with the kids a few nights and ho to bed when they do. Leave him a list. I'm sure he'd find a YouTube video on how to load the dishwasher if he looked

This is a very frustrating conversation😂 it would also be kind for your husband to do some household chores so you can catch a break.

If the lack of sleep is such an issue for you, go to bed at 7.30 when the kids are down. You could even stick a washing load on while brushing your teeth so it's ready to be got out of the machine when hubby arrives home

Could you not pretend that you are really ill for a weekend and just take to your bed, start talking about the illness coming on a thursday and you are full blown I’ll by Friday night through to Sunday evening and magically hop out of bed cured on Monday morning…..