To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

It's never ok for the father of the children to not be able to look after them. Never. It's pathetic.
Book a hotel for the night and go have a rest.

I suspect this thread will be deleted soon if the DH ‘pile on’ continues as it’s not what the OP wants to hear.

In fairness, I can understand not wanting to leave an 8 month old with an incompetent parent. It’s all well and good saying “oh he’ll learn, just leave him to it..” but if he genuinely cannot feed the kids properly or attend to their toileting needs (and I’m assuming he may also leave the baby in a soiled nappy all day) then I properly wouldn’t leave them either. There’s being a bit remiss when it comes to looking after your kids and then there’s actual neglect.

Fundamentally he’s a good man

That 'fundamentally' is such a giveaway on threads like these

I wouldn't either. But a genuinely good man would want to learn and be a better father. If he doesn't, then he's not a good man. I had one of those for the first 10 months of DS's life and I fucked off when I realised he didn't want to better himself.

I had your thinking then got seriously ill spending weeks at a time in hospital and you know what? DH was perfectly capable of all the things I needed him to do.
It seems like you're giving him excuses. Start small and give him lists if it makes you feel better Extra wet clothes? he puts a wash on. Make sure there's nothing edible in the house to send the kids wild.
I holiday with friends at least once a year. Everyone benefits from me having respite.

You are facilitating all of this OP.
Your DH holds down a job and multi tasks (I assume) at this job.
There is no reason other than sheer laziness that he can't be arsed to pare r his own children.
I'm guessing you did everything first time round? Now juggling 2 is difficult (18 months between mine, I remember it well).
Your H needs to step up and be a parent. You need to sit down and tell him how you are feeling.
It will only get worse when you return to work.
If your 3 year old is having multiple accidents, put them in pull ups until they are ready.
Get a cleaner as discussed.
Put them both into childcare 1 day a week rather than eldest in 2 days if you can afford it.
Take turns for lie a lie in at the weekend.
Go away for a few nights yourself.

Sorry you're having a tough time and I totally get it on the DH front.
But sometimes you do just have to let them deal with it in order for them to get better.

My partner found it very hard adjusting and I, like you, would just end up doing everything so I knew everything was done right etc. I ended up having a breakdown as it was too much.
We decided DP would do certain things to help and in time he's got so much better.

Can an extra day at nursery be added on?
Do you plan on putting baby in nursery? If so can this be brought forward?
Could DH take them out on a Sat morning?

Can't DH at least do the evening housework if he's too much of a useless idiot to look after his own children?

In the nicest possible way you have to let some things go.

Don't stress about tidying and cleaning the house every night when they are in bed. You need to rest and take time for yourself too. Who cares if there's washing up in the sink or the bathroom isn't spotless.

Also there's no reason the kids can't help tidy up, get a big box for the toys they can help. In nursery they would. And in my experience kids also love to clean things give them a damp cloth and let them crack on while you do jobs in the same room. I would do the bathroom while they were in the bath, or the kitchen while they were eating at the table. It was never perfect but it was passable.

I was in the same boat as you when mine were young, my husband worked long hours including all weekend. It was hard work but we all survived!

We used to have weekend duvet days, I'd make loads of snacky bits to cover breakfast and lunch, put it on a big platter and we would chill out watching TV, playing with toys I had set out for them. I would often read a book or just play on my phone to have me time while they were occupied.

Unfortunately I'm another one who thinks DH needs to step up. As well as parenting, I presume he's doing his fair share of cooking and cleaning? That way you don't need to be doing all of the household tasks. If he isn't then really I feel quite sad for you. I've had friends in similar situations, it doesn't end well.
Do you have a garden? Make sure it's safe and child proof and the 3 year old can spend half the day out there playing, especially with the weather warming up. Easier than always having to tramp out to a park somewhere when you're knackered with a baby.

You can ask for it to be deleted if you like @Eastie77Returns although I have to admit I don’t know why.

As I’ve said DH is great in some ways and useless in others, as am I. I am able to see the long view here and I know in just a few years it will all be much easier. There will come a time when they’re both at school and I’ll have a couple of days a week to do housework and pursue my interests. But right now it’s very hard going and that’s honestly all I wanted to moan about.

Your DH isn’t wonderful if he’s not able to fully take care of his children and you are enabling him. He feeds the kids crap, he sorts them if they get hyper. He doesn’t bring your toddler to the toilet on time - he deals with the extra laundry - and so on.

It’s so disheartening on MN seeing how women enable and accept this this of carry on.

Fine but lots of women also aren't good with little ones and they have to learn through experience.
If your toddler wets his pants repeatedly then your DH will eventually learn to take him to the toilet (so long as you let your DH clean up the mess himself!).
I'm really not a natural with little ones but I learnt through my mistakes. You DH needs to learn. Don't do everything yourself for an easy life because it's really not an easy life, is it?

A "great" man would not let his wife struggle like this.

What would you have me do @Sunnydays0101 ?

Because if I leave as well as breaking up a family - which really is a huge thing - all I’m doing is ensuring I never get a break, ever. I would have to go back full time and it isn’t best for anyone.

saying to someone you need to step up doesn’t magically solve anything. DH will do anything you ask him but by the time you’ve asked him it’s a bit pointless. In any case it’s me solo throughout the week.

Do you have parents or in laws who could have the kids even just for one night? Split the kids up if it makes it easier on them.

All that would happen @SallyWD is he’d run out of clean pants.

Anyway I feel like the thread is getting really argumentative and that honestly isn’t what I wanted. I had a really rough night last night and am thinking longingly of days gone by! And I shouldn’t be. The irony is when I didn’t have children I thought women on maternity leave were absolutely living the dream and was so jealous!

When my children were younger, I was solo during the week too but when DH was in the house, it was 50/50 teamwork. I mightn’t always like the way DH does/did things and I had to accept this and say nothing. If he was relaxing when I was running around, I’d tell him that xx needs doing. I’d go out and leave him with the kids - he would do the same. He is as capable of changing a nappy, cooking a meal, cleaning, tidying, grocery shopping, night time wakings, bath and bed time as me - practice makes perfect.

Quite honestly, I wouldn’t live with someone who thought so little of me that they wouldn’t see child-rearing and looking after the house as team-work.

From your original post I assumed you were a single mum working full time with no dad/partner in the picture. I’m sorry but your partner needs to up his game and parent properly. I’ve had to put my foot down a bit with mine in this regards and he’s definitely stepped up. Prepping things a bit can help. I will often tell my partner what to feed our daughter or prep the meal and leave it in the fridge so it’s ready to go. Getting him to entertain her outside the house (park, bike ride, shopping centre) means no mess at home either.

If he can't look after DC- I think he can but never mind- can he cook meals and freeze
do the cleaning
laundry
what else can he do?

Your husband sounds absolutely useless. How can you bear to even look at him. He’s not a good father, husband or man. Lots of us aren’t naturals with small children but we learn because we have to. Anyway, you’re not prepared to address it so you will be exhausted for another 18 years. Good luck.

It doesn't sound like dh refuses to do anything though, so it needs to be you who let's go a bit. So what if DS has wet pants, let dh clean them? If you let go a bit he will have to step up. Just walk out the door for an afternoon with clear instructions that you won't be cleaning anything up when you get back and you'll probably be surprised.

OP I know you really don’t want to hear this: My ex was like this, it was weaponised incompetence. He was more than capable of performing well at work and managing whole teams of people at work yet for some reason, he didn’t want to look after his DC properly.

Your DH is a grown adult, he has full control over his actions and behaviour and for some reason he is choosing to be a crap parent and leaving it all to you. Now you are on your knees with exhaustion.

You say your DH is a good man in other ways? So is my ex. If an abusive person was just downright mean and nasty, no one would want to be with them. They all have a good side and a bad side, it’s part of the manipulation.

Please don’t interpret this as an attack on your relationship but as a warning to open your eyes and be on the look out for other abusive behaviours.