To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

He doesn’t. This is what I mean: he is not a bad man. But equally, it creates work for me if that makes sense.

Plus the two together are a LOT of work and while he does muck in and help at the weekend (as he absolutely should) it’s not a break, it’s just less work if that makes sense.

I would suggest you go away for a couple of days and leave him to it. You may have a mess to deal with in return but you will have had two days of not running round after everyone. While you are home you will never stop. Let your standards drop in the housework for a bit if you can. At least until the baby is sleeping better.

Literally how hard can it be to take a 3-year-old out to the park, now spring is here, and take him to the toilet maybe once? My Dh worked all hours of the week and managed that.

Your DH sounds useless. Why are you making excuses for him? It’s sad what some women will put up with.

Standards are pretty low to be fair! But as we know you do have to do something even if it’s bare minimum sort of thing, and I do have to do something as we need to eat, clean clothes, so even just loading and emptying the dishwasher, laundry and cooking is a lot of time.

It’s not. But it’s an hour maybe? I need a whole weekend. Preferably a week!

I think you’ve misunderstood.

I wrote that you might prefer for it is to be deleted since you specifically said you do not want the thread to be about your DH’s incompetence..which is exactly what it has become about.

MN is generally very unsympathetic to men who cannot look after their own children so the majority of people who reply will focus on that.

Also, as many people have pointed out: if DH is a poor parent now he will likely also be one when they are older. I do not want to depress you but whilst the post toddler years are easier in some respects, they are harder in others. I’m not sure the couple of days a week you envisage having to do housework and pursue your interests will pan out. When your DC are 6 and 8 with school, hobbies and activities your life will be just as exhausting as it is now if your DH continues to find it so challenging to look after his children.

Whatever time he gets home in the evening it should be 50/50 grunt work at the moment as you are struggling. He either takes the dc for bath/bedtime while you cook or vice versa. Neither sits down until the necessary jobs are done! Give it a go

I feel you x

Can you get a break there is no shame in it.

They are generally in bed by the time he gets back. And once a week he’s away overnight. So for example Tuesday night he was back 8pm, he was away last night, he’ll be back tonight around 9.

Ideally we’d be 50/50. But we just can’t be.

DD was born July 23, so I’m envisioning things will ease a little when she’s about two and a half (this was a turning point with DS.) So early 2026.

I am currently on maternity leave but I generally work three days a week. I suppose my point is when they’re both at school I’ll at least have a bit of time on those two days to do stuff for me as well as boring stuff in the house.

Sorry this might not be what you want to hear but yes I agree with previous posters that if your DH is not great with the kids, and you’re fine with that, then yes he should be doing most of everything else when he is home. I.e cleaning the toilets, cooking, batch cooking at weekends, cleaning or engaging a cleaner, washing, admin. That way at least when the kids are in bed you’ve got a window when you can watch some crap TV, get an early night, go for a swim or whatever for a couple of hours.

If you don’t achieve a balance of some sort now, you’re setting yourself up for resentment and ultimately failure.

It’s not. But it’s an hour maybe? I need a whole weekend. Preferably a week!

Why not start with an hour and build up from there?

I also agree with PPs that you shouldn’t bank on the passage of time solving this- my kids are older and the sleep is definitely better but everything else is probably harder. School hours are shorter, they have extra curricular activities every night, homework, I’m at school or doing something for school most weeks. Sometimes I long for the days when I could drop them at nursery and not worry about them for 8 hours! We manage and, gasp, enjoy it because although we both work there’s no assumption that everything falls to me, thank god.

The only way to enjoy this is to be a proper team, and it doesn’t seem like that’s the case at the moment.

The thing is OP, challenges will come up with the kids that you can’t imagine, even (especially!) when they’re a bit older - you really need to have two capable parents in your children’s lives.

I don’t think anyone is saying you should just leave - they are suggesting ways that your DH can learn to be at least a passable parent - it isn’t just about the here and now, it’s about the future for you all. If he can’t manage toileting and proper feeding now, he will not manage all that is to come - school issues, clubs, friendships, emotional support, puberty, phone use, social media, the whole gamut of teenage problems. You really don’t want to be dealing with all of this basically alone. And there are so many families where the Mum is the default parent and women just get more and more exhausted. And it’s no good for the kids, who need two decent parents.

People are just urging you to nip it in the bud, if at all possible, because the improvements you envision won’t come unless something changes.

This! x post with @Heronwatcher

a genuinely good man would want to learn and be a better father. If he doesn't, then he's not a good man.

This, your husband sounds borderline neglectful and really not interested in stepping up to split any tasks on his own after seeing how totally exhausted you are😕

I don’t doubt we will have challenges but I don’t think it gets much more exhausting than this! I’m sure everyone will want to depress me by telling me I’m wrong though.

Do you really think such a lazy dh will be any good when the issues of homework and projects and parties and friendships of primary school kick in?
Or the teenage years of hormones and arguing and selfharm(god forbid) or drinking or school refusal?
If he cant be arsed now to even feed them properly how do u think he will cope with bigger problems.
You need to be a lot more than 'fundamently good'.
Another useless man being enabled.
No wonder the cycle never ends.

You can make all the excuses you want for having a partner who isn't pulling his weight with the kids. It's bloody exhausting with young kids and I remember wishing I had a minor hospital stay for a break at one point! And my DH is great with the kids.

If you don't let him have a go he will never learn or step up. So you're really making this problem yourself. He won't miraculously improve as the kids get older. You'll just grow to resent him even more.

That is why people on Mumsnet focus on this aspect. Raise your expectations.

I should leave then, that’s what you’re saying. And how will that solve any of these problems

Like I say I genuinely don’t want the thread to be argumentative but this is the situation we have. I don’t envision either of my children being the next Paris Hilton and therefore being up all night collecting them from parties but perhaps it will happen, who knows.

I'm in the same boat OP, slightly older children at 3.5 and 16mo. Very boisterous toddler and the little one has been tough going from day one with colic, reflux, lack of sleep and is still really difficult with eating and sleeping.
My little boy now does mornings at pre school and I have a local teenager come over a couple of afternoons each week. She is great with the toddler and my 1yo loves her too. She plays in the garden with them both now or sometimes takes the toddler out to the playground so I can get on with life admin, cooking dinner etc. Not really a 'break' but I don't have kids hanging off my leg whilst trying to do things!
I also have a cleaner come once a fortnight as I was only able to hoover one room every couple of days and nothing ever seemed clean.
It's so full on all the time, so get some help in to maintain your sanity if you can!

Thanks, I think I’ll have to look into. Cleaner when back at work. I found the challenge was trying to get the house tidy before she came and to be honest we’ve had two cleaners and both took the piss a bit so I’ve been reluctant to get another.

Now your just being rediculous.
Up all night at partys? Ya thats right only paris hilton goes to school discos.
No u dont have to leave him.
U need to stand in front of him and read him the riot act for not being grown up enough to look after his own children and tell him up his fucking game.
Is he not embarrassed to be so incompetent?

Basically yes-
I’m older,
My career is more demanding and I’ve gone back full time now the kids are at school as I need to save for uni fees,
Kids stay up later so I get virtually no time to mentally recharge in the evenings,
Weekends are full of activities/ parties: hobbies, it’s not just a trip to the park and an afternoon of Lego/ CBeebies,
I’m trying to keep healthy so go swimming and to the gym.
I’m no less exhausted these days than when I had 3 under 5 and I’m basically dead on my feet by Thursday. And that’s with a competent partner who shares life equally.