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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming... missed parents evening.

362 replies

2under4 · 13/03/2024 20:34

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Bigearringsbigsmile · 13/03/2024 20:35

I can't have my phone in the classroom but I check at break/ lunch/ when the children leave. He is wrong.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 13/03/2024 20:37

No you're not being unreasonable, I'd be livid. It's a shame you didn't know early enough to get a friend to babysit while you nipped to school.
The question is, can you live your life like this or not. He's told you who he is, have you listened? What will you do now?

Lovingitallnow · 13/03/2024 20:37

Nobody died? What life and death situation was he dealing with?

Hickorydickorydock123 · 13/03/2024 20:38

Yea I’d be pissed off. Why can’t/doesn’t he check his phone at lunch time or end of the day? I get today would have been back to back after school with parent’s evening but on a normal day, what is the reason he refuses? Especially if he knows you want him to and he needs reminders of things.

mnahmnah · 13/03/2024 20:38

Why was one of you having to stay home with the children?

cansu · 13/03/2024 20:40

He could make the effort to check it at the end of the day. He doesn't because he doesn't want to.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/03/2024 20:42

If he's working in a secondary, it's very possible that switching off from anything isn't possible - due to trying to get through the day with all 1500 young people still in one piece whilst an at best significant minority seem to be intent upon anything but.

Maryamlouise · 13/03/2024 20:42

I share your pain. I have stopped booking things for myself that rely on him to remember changes to the normal routine or be back at a certain time to allow as it is just so stressful. Basically I don't trust him to do what he has said and that is a pretty big issue I think. What does he say if you say you can't trust him?

benjoin · 13/03/2024 20:43

Your poor kid their dad cares about a load of other kid's parents evening but not his own.

SuperBored · 13/03/2024 20:45

Was there a logistics reason the DC couldn't go with you? 6pm isn't that late and schools are used to DC going to parents eve.

benjoin · 13/03/2024 20:45

SuperBored · 13/03/2024 20:45

Was there a logistics reason the DC couldn't go with you? 6pm isn't that late and schools are used to DC going to parents eve.

Doesn't matter they'd arranged so the kids didn't have to go

Horaced · 13/03/2024 20:46

His behaviour is poor but in terms of the missed parents' evening it shouldn't be hard to rearrange and you'll probably get a less rushed slot. Trying to do both on the same night was unlikely to work - I'd never have attempted it. Agree checking his phone once during the day isn't an unreasonable thing to expect.

Headingforholidays · 13/03/2024 20:46

I can sympathise in that genuinely I sometimes get to the end of the day at school and have just run from one thing to the next without a single thought of my phone or anything/anyone else.... However, he needs to take responsibility for remembering things which you have booked in advance and need him for. For real emergencies my husband and my children's schools are told to phone reception to make sure they can get hold of me. This has only been needed once in the last decade working there.

SeemsSoUnfair · 13/03/2024 20:47

if a real emergency, such as someone died, you would just call his workplace. it is not unreasonable to be working and not contactable.

he should have sent you a quick text to let you know he would be unavoidably late and would miss parents eve. If it was likely, from experience to be a possibility childcare should have been arranged, if unexpected not sure what you expected him to do other than text?

SuperBored · 13/03/2024 20:47

benjoin · 13/03/2024 20:45

Doesn't matter they'd arranged so the kids didn't have to go

Show quote history

Well obviously they hadn't...but i wouldn't let one parent being late stop me from going to a parents eve, I would take the DC with me...as I have done on many occasions

Freakinfraser · 13/03/2024 20:48

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/03/2024 20:42

If he's working in a secondary, it's very possible that switching off from anything isn't possible - due to trying to get through the day with all 1500 young people still in one piece whilst an at best significant minority seem to be intent upon anything but.

Edited

Her first sentence says he’s primary Confused

Hairspray123 · 13/03/2024 20:51

Get him a smart watch then he doesnt have to have his phone in his hand and if you need to contact him he will get notified on his watch!

Personally with a DH who is a shift worker I frequently have to do all this type of stuff alone and have to take the kids with me. With the evening clubs it can be 8pm by the time we are home! Its not great but it is what it is. I also work. How do you think Single parents cope? So on that basis YABU, leaving at 5.30 is not too late to take the kids to a 10 min meeting at a school especially as a one off!

I do agree that the other parent should help though whenever possible and not be a complete dick about it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/03/2024 20:52

Freakinfraser · 13/03/2024 20:48

Her first sentence says he’s primary Confused

Show quote history

Slightly less likely to defenestrate or immolate themselves or one another, then. My oversight - it's quite tiring working in secondary.

However, do primary teachers even get breaks? As far as I tell from my friends, they're always on playground duty or clubs throughout the day - and I've never managed to get hold of a primary teacher parent during the day without calling their school direct in emergencies.

Oblomov24 · 13/03/2024 20:53

Unacceptable. He should check at lunchtime and before / as he leaves work.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 13/03/2024 20:55

His attitude is shitty and would repel me. He's a primary teacher not a brain surgeon. He can look at his phone.

However, are you really putting kids to bed at 6pm? As a one off I would've just taken them.

Seashor · 13/03/2024 20:57

I feel sorry for the poor teacher, waiting until 1800 after a full days work for a parent not to turn up!

I’d be really cross with my husband too. He’d not be impressed if a parent did that to him.
To the poster who said re schedule , they’ve lost their slot why should the teacher have to give up any more of their time!!! Entitlement or what!!!!

Hickorydickorydock123 · 13/03/2024 20:58

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/03/2024 20:52

Slightly less likely to defenestrate or immolate themselves or one another, then. My oversight - it's quite tiring working in secondary.

However, do primary teachers even get breaks? As far as I tell from my friends, they're always on playground duty or clubs throughout the day - and I've never managed to get hold of a primary teacher parent during the day without calling their school direct in emergencies.

Show quote history

Yes they should. Obviously the higher up you are then you’ll have more responsibility eg lunch duty possibly/meetings but still possible to spend a minute checking your phone for messages/calls. And this obviously wouldn’t be every single day for every single break either so he will definitely have time to check if he wanted but sounds from the OP that’s it’s not because he doesn’t have time, it’s because he refuses to.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2024 20:58

There's two issues here.

He had parents evening but ptu expected him to be home by 5.30ish to sort the kids? Presumably he wasn't home because he was DOING parents evening,not had gone off to the pub etc? If so he couldn't really tell the parents waiting he had to go home now.

Also, you had a 6 pm slot, were you kids really ready for bed by 5.30ish?

So I kinda think yabu to not just put coats on them and go.

But the bigger issue is his refusal to be available regardless of what happens, even when you're at work. You could be involved in a catastrophic accident and need someone to take the kids and he'd have no idea until he got home and wondered where you are. That lack of interest in his family is relationship defining

FirstTime867 · 13/03/2024 20:58

So he has zero respect for you and your time.

RatatouillePie · 13/03/2024 20:58

On the basis he should know how annoying it is when a parent doesn't bother turning up for parents evening then YANBU and he should have remembered.

I'd contact the school and explain what happened and ask if it would be possible to arrange a convenient time after school pick up one day to discuss it.

I now have no child care for parents evening so will have to take the kids with me!

My DH has been late back from work on several occasions where I've had to take all the kids with me to band practice which isn't ideal. If he is not back 15 mins before I need to leave I start getting the kids ready and assume he won't be back!