To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

I agree that it's very irritating that you've missed parents' evening and your husband should have remembered if you reminded him this morning. But I don't understand the expectation that people are constantly available on their mobile phones and I think it's bizarre to comment that it's unreasonable for your husband to 'switch off from life for ten hours a day' - I think it's far more unreasonable to expect regular messaging during the day when someone is meant to be working. If there was an emergency, then I assume the school where he works has a phone and you could contact him without too much difficulty. If my husband or I was out for the day, at work or at a social event, I wouldn't expect to be in contact during that time.

From experience the phone checking through the day may not be viable in his defence. What isn't defendable is the complete disregard to how you feel about him having missed being somewhere that was pre-arranged. He's dismissed your disappointment or frustration and tried to make you think that you shouldn't feel that way.

Had he said he might not be able to make it, then fine, but something arranged and sorted beforehand and then not showing up is shit behaviour. Oh, and you shouldn't need to remind him, he's an adult and parent of children, he should be able to manage his own life regarding that; you're not a secretary.

This is also a good point, I'd be pissed off that it was now going to be me who'd have to send an apologetic email to a knackered teacher.

6pm isn't late...why couldn't you take the children with you. Re husband being late back that's a discussion you need with him. Tbh I'm shocked he can get back as early as got 6pm if a teacher. If normally great dad...this comes under work. Yabu

Maybe he should check his phone once during the day.....but I kind of commend him for not being glued to it like most people, especially since he works in an educational setting.

Re missing parents evening.....I'd be a bit annoyed but hardly the end of the world.

It was me who said it. I'm a primary teacher of many years and every parents' evening someone can't make it for some reason. It usually relieves the pressure slightly and I'm happy to rearrange for another day - it's really not a problem.

He should have remembered if it was pre arranged. That said, I wouldn't make an appointment on a day where I have a parents evening to run - too much chance of it over running.

If he was going to be unavoidably late, he should have called/messaged to let you know so you could sort something.

6pm seems very early for the children to go to bed? I appreciate you had made arrangements but you could have taken them. We are well used to children coming to parents eve - including toddlers and babies.

As for not checking his phone during the day- I'll be honest, some days are so hectic for me that I don't check mine from collecting my form in the morning until the end of the day. Some days, I am teaching all day/in a meeting in my only free plus break and/or lunch duty. I honestly struggle for time to go to the toilet some days! So I do understand him not checking his phone through the day.
I do always check it at the end of the day though.

I also wouldn't forget an appointment I had made - I attended my son's parents eve tonight 🙂

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school).
To be fair to him, his own school's parents evening will fall under his directed time so he can't just leave. I never made any evening commitments on nights I was doing parents evening because the chances of everything running perfectly to time was close to zero.

Really he should have said it would be touch and go whether he makes it because he has parents evening at work, and you probably should have taken the children with you when it was looking tight on time.

I'd be fine with someone not checking their phone, provided they arrived home as planned in time for parents evening or whatever plan had been made.

I work in a primary school that’s also in a black spot for reception - the moment I enter the village I lose all signal so am basically uncontainable until I leave the village. My own children’s school have the landline number for emergencies.

as for parents evening, the chances of him being away and home by 5.30 were always slim to zero. To be honest in primary school, there shouldn’t be any major surprises in parents evening, ask the teacher if you can rearrange for another time, or get an email update. To be honest, we are kinda used to no-shows, it happens.

I think missing the latest slot like this is the worst one to miss as the teacher is now having to hang around instead of going home in case the parent is late so can’t just leave and then they turn up. I think it is inconvenient having to rearrange as you’ve got all your notes/books etc ready and generally in the mindset for it to then have to do it another day on top of everything else.

What do his colleagues who are mothers do?

I am really struggling with the idea that he can’t check his phone at lunch or after the kids leave for the day.

Id be having a serious talk about priorities.

He had to work late. These things happen.

The mental load requires a balance of priorities.

I'd be fucking furious because of the double standards. You don't get to check out on account of your circumstances/work/sport, so why should he?

If he can't/won't share the mental load....

Why were you putting your kids to bed before 6pm?

You’d think he’d realise the importance, considering his own job.

100% not unreasonable.

what is it with (male) teachers, loads of threads lately about shit partners who are teachers and some how think that absolves them of all responsibility and life admin.

(I am also married to someone who works in education and this is an argument I’ve had MANY times).

also - Apple Watch / smart watch. He can set it so only emergency numbers come through / alarm etc.

he should be apologising profusely not gaslighting you into believing you’re wrong. Anyone can have a bad day and miss an appointment, that is annoying but then not apologising for it and the MINIMISATION!!!! That’s what really gets my goat with them.

I don't have my mobile at work If there's an emergency they ring through to one of the landlines. Surely if there is a big emergency you would ring school office.
The issue isn't him having his phone, its the fact he didn't keep a promise that he made.

Hes a teacher. He is not allowed his phone in a classroom. He cant take calls .... im surprised he could even possibly be back home for 6pm on a parents evening

What do his colleagues who are mothers do?
On evenings I had twilight sessions or parents evenings I cancelled any of my usual evening commitments and DH was fully responsible for DC and home duties.If there was an emergency he would ring school and a message would be passed to me.

I'd not have got into the arrangement OP's husband agreed to in the first place. Before 6pm DH would have done parents evening and taken DC with him. If I got out earlier than expected I'd ring him to let him know.

It was unrealistic the expect him back at 5.30

I’m with him on checking the phone
in school he’s 100% contactable

Or maybe he knows that his kid is doing just fine and that they are going to give the same old script to everyone whose kid is happy, well behaved and performing at average or above.....

in what life does a teacher not have a wee break, a lunch break, a 3.15 break when kids go home????
Put your phone in your desk and do a quick glance as you grab your bottle of water. Stick it in your cardy pocket and look at it when you go for a wee when kids go for lunch???

Teachers cant get home before 6pm??? Have a word. Who picks their kids up then? Being a teacher is hard, I’m married to one. But there js a lot of OMG IM THE BUSIEST PERSON EVERRRRR

Surgeons performing a 13 hour surgery cannot check phone, a primary school teacher delivering lessons to kids can check phone.

He’d agreed to the arrangement 🙄

My husband is a teacher (so am I). He had a habit of doing this. I was fairly tolerant of it, as I do the same job and know how the days can be. But once we had children, I felt it was bad form that he was uncontactable from 8am until he left school after 5pm. He insisted that there was nothing he could do- couldn't have his phone on him in the classroom and was just rushed off his feet all day.

When our eldest was a few months old and once he had missed a few things (no emergencies, but he could have done in that time as he was utterly uncontactable, phone on silent, in his coat pocket, hung up in the faculty office) I phoned the main school office. It's a huge, ten form secondary school. "No worries Mrs. Morrissey," they said, "we'll get a message to him." That message was over the school tannoy, asking him to come to the office to receive a message from his wife.

Weirdly enough, he's been contactable ever since, for over a decade now. It's almost like it was bullshit that he couldn't engage with life during the working day and the embarrassment of being called to the school office like a child made him realise that.