To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

So you are saying if you are in a relationship you never, ever, do anything ever alone again or take any responsibility! Dont be so daft, her DH was at work. A 2 parent house yes means you can share the load together but it also means when one is busy or at work there is another to carry that load which 99% are more than capeable of doing. A fact is single 2 or even 4 parents there will be plenty of times when you have to do things alone with your children as thats just life!

Communication was the main source of the issue for OP as she has appeard to find a resolution already which is great.

I have also already responded to a post simular to this if you read the thread.

Unpopular opinion- you are unreasonable to expect him to have his phone on him and checking, but he should be contactable in an emergency. My partner goes mad because my phone is on silent all day and I don’t respond to calls unless they are from the school.

also it’s just a parents evening, I find them to be completely pointless. But if you really wanted to go you should have take kids with you. Kids in bed at 6pm that’s really weird.

I think the issue here is him thinking his life is more important than yours. It is supposed to be team work being married and he could look at his phone at lunchtime and breaks.
He may be the main bread winner but it doesn't give the excuse to think he is more important than you when it comes to taking responsibility.

YANBU. Personally if he doesn't ever feel like he has to check his phone and respond, I'd deprioritise responding to his messages and just let him know that it's his responsibility to deal with anything that comes up.

"Could you get some milk from the shop?" "Sorry, I didn't check that message".
"Could you put a wash on for me?" "Sorry, I didn't check that message".
"Could you get this from the post office on your way home?" "Sorry, I didn't check that message".

He might eventually twig that it's a bit annoying.

In my past experience, the only time the student was invited was to discuss a problem and work together for a solution; the solution involving student input. Otherwise, parents conferences were quick, your child is doing great, here a few highlights, thank you for coming, next!

I would have just taken the kids with me. Parents evening slots are very short and I am sure the teacher would not have minded. Single parents manage all the time in situations like this, am sure you would have been ok.

I'd have taken the kids and told him I'd make sure I never bothered him again in work or out. Selfish man. Assume from now on you are a single parent as he doesn't want involvement!

As an ex primary teacher I would never get a chance to check my phone until the kids had gone home. During lunch and breaks there is always so much to be doing. If he had a parents evening at the end of all that he would have been rushed off his feet. If he wants to live not checking his phone then let him! It's one less thing for him to worry about when doing a very very busy job. I don't check my phone often because it just adds too much stress to my already scattered mind (and I now work a desk job). I think planning a parents eve appt on the same day as his was a bit ridiculous... I'm not having a go, or not trying to but everyone is ripping him apart and I don't think it's fair.

As the now-adult child of teachers who always prioritised school over home, he is being a rubbish husband and a horrible dad, and it will come home to roost. It all may seem like nothing to him now, but it will affect your kids. They will feel like the children at school matter more to him than they do, and that sends a big message that can affect self worth for a lifetime. You are being anything but unreasonable and I wish you well in standing up for yourself and your children. Don’t let him gaslight you - it doesn’t just affect your relationship, it shapes the people your kids will become. I’m still in therapy trying to right those wrongs now.

What time did the parents evening at his school finish if he was going to try to get back for your child's PE? I'd suggest that he always knew he wouldn't make the 6pm appointment but instead of telling you that he avoided you. Some schools have a policy that minutes are locked away in the school day-next time ring the school office.

Primary teacher here. Seems a bit far-fetched that he can never check his phone in the school day but he and you were hugely optimistic to expect him at the appointment at 6. Parents evenings never run on time and there’s all the marking and prep for the next day as well as other admin duties. He’s also directed to be there until it ends - he can’t just get up and leave.

I make a habit of checking my phone at break, lunch and after the kids go home. If it was an emergency I would expect my partner to ring the school’s reception.

Equally, are you sure he gets a breaktime? School leaders are obligated to ensure an adequately long enough lunchtime but in a lot of schools, break times are still under directed time. A lot of schools direct teachers to undertake break duties, lunchtime clubs etc. A school near me bans staff from using their phones at all during the school day which I think is excessive.

Ultimately, like any other job, there will be days when he’s rushed off his feet and won’t be able to respond. Personally I would have just taken the kids and gone to the appointment. It is concerning however he thinks you are the only one on standby and you need to address this with him.

I'm amazed schools like that have any staff left. Regardless of directed time you'd be legally entitled to a break in that time in any workplace. As lunchtime is unpaid for teachers, I'd definitely expect access to my phone!