To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

Wow some of these primary schools sound terrible, I just dont understand why you can not take them. Do you not get to go to the childs class and review their work books either? Its really nice to be able to have my child show me their work they are proud of!

I work in a nursery and haven't got access to my phone for 10hrs some days (aside from half hour lunch time). I always tell everyone to call the work number in an emergency not my mobile. I still get everyone phoning and messaging my mobile though!

If you knew he was working late then other arrangements needed to be made. It isn't the kind of job that goes on time. I know from being a parent that parents evenings always overrun.

Balls get dropped sometimes as a working parent and things get missed. But his reaction to you was horrible. It’s important to you, it doesn’t really matter what he thinks about it. He should be apologising because he respects you and your feelings, even if they’re different to his. It’s about respect.

I was your child.

My father wasnt a teacher but he did a lot of hobby/volunteer work with kids in something he loved. Not sport but imagine managing a kids footie team.

We grew up knowing that other peoples kids meant more to him than we did. His weekends or free evenings were all about them. He did literally nothing with us. Mum did it all.

Our childhood was frankly fucking miserable because mum was stressed, tired and massively pissed off. There were rows every other day and nothing changed. He left the volunteering when it suited him because his career progressed and he didnt have time, again another priority over his family.

Ma and Pa stayed together (I wouldnt have and for years DSis and I wanted them to split up) and she created her own life away from him with her friends.

But she prioritised her marriage over her kids.....she did actually tell us this when we were older "marriage comes first, kids second" and genuinely didnt see why this might upset us.

Now he is in his 70's and disabled. He doesnt have a close relationship at all with Dsis. I am his carer so closer but only because if I wasnt, Ma would have to do it and she isnt in the best health herself.

He hates that she has a life outside the home and he doesnt. He hates that none of us make him a priority, and once when he had a cob on about it I said that why would he be when he never prioritised us until he was ill and lonely. He has never mentioned it since.

Reality is, he is showing you and your kids that other people matter more. Whether you can settle for that is up to you but please dont force your kids to settle for that.

Growing up knowing your father cares more about another kid scoring a goal or doing well in their SATS than you being ill or achieving an award is very damaging.

I would tell him all of what I said but would add what a PP said "How would you feel if you waited for a parent to come to parents evening who didnt turn up because the other parent didnt give enough of a shit to get home on time?"

What nonsense - book an earlier slot - bring your kids - leave your poor husband alone - your behaviour is ridiculous - why is 6.00/6.30 their bedtime - what a martyr.

This was the case in my last UK school and in the early years of my Victorian one. Things changed very quickly when SLT saw the advantage of staff taking the roll on their phones, using them when on yard duty, and taking photos of board work to post on class resources - helpful as a record and for absentees. It all turned into politely asking staff to have their phones with them.

The "poor" husband who prioritises other peoples kids over his own? Who will stay as long as it takes to ensure that parents get the right updates on their childrens progress but doesnt give a single shit to do anything to make sure that he and his wife get those same updates on their OWN child? Who knows he can safely do whatever the fuck he likes to further his own career at the expense of his wife and family because she will always make up for his failure? Who says that his wife should never every expect him to step up?

Yeah....my heart bleeds for the poor man.....

Jesus fucking wept.

Our school has work phones for staff because they were pissed off using their own phones for school business and (very VERY understandably) didnt want to risk parents getting the private numbers. It may be at the more progressive end, it appears that the head is very much in favour of that, but I can see it spreading eventually.

ETA: Only know this as a a close friend is on the BOG and they had to authorise it!

Am I not understanding correctly, as the responses are surprising to me...

He was working?

Working and never was going anyway. It was 6pm. He was only supposed to be home to put kids to bed. It's not that hard to arrange a suitable 10 min appointment take the kids and be home. There are so many actual issues in life to deal with this just isn't one

And assured the OP that he would be home in time in order for her to attend parents evening for THEIR CHILD.

She made sure that he and their children would be fed as soon as he walked through the door, all he had to do was put the kids to bed.

But not only did he not get back as promised, he refused to accept any blame for this and said that (despite the OP also working) it is her job to deal with literally any emergency that comes up as he will not (not cannot, but will not) check his phone when he is at work even though he could.

Yet another case of a man putting him and his Important Job ahead of his wife and kids and the MN massive saying that the OP should enable this.

And before anyone says that he is paying the bills blah blah......I got this thrown at me. When I pointed out that if he would take a day off when the kids got sick and would even out childcare and do his share of housework/childcare etc then I would make a bigger financial contribution I was told I was lazy.

@2under4 I could have written this. My DH can go without checking after work or during the day. It's got much better but I did highlight female friends who were teachers were managing to be contactable during lunch and after school. So this would really annoy me but I now have to factor this in and probably would have begrudgingly taken both kids.

I do find it hard to believe that the phone is not looked at once during a lunch break. I think there needs to be a wider conversation about him being contactable during lunch or after work as this being the real ongoing issue, rather than the parents evening.

He was at parents evening himself - I can just imagine the complaints from the parents at his school - "I went to parents evening and the teacher kept checking his phone and rushed us through like we weren't important and like he had somewhere better to be. Should I complain?"

I think you should have just got on with it.

“No one died” - I’d be livid! He has prioritised work over your family, and instead of taking responsibility has made out like you are over reacting! Huge red flag! I think his reaction to it is what makes it even worse. If there was something unavoidable then fair enough, and to not check his phone all day? There’s a difference between being caught up at work (and apologising “oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t get a chance to check my phone today/I totally forgot”) than saying it’s basically your responsibility and REFUSING to check his phone! You and your child/children should come first, end of story! I’d phone the school, apologise and say something had come up and you’d really appreciate another opportunity to talk to your child’s teacher!!

This. I'm a teacher and I am married to a teacher.

Somehow, I'm able to put stuff on hold and leave occasionally for stuff. I am not able to expect the same back.

In part, OH is SLT and I mildly understand when it's a safeguarding thing. But I get really annoyed when other staff members keep him late away from his own family unexpectedly.

There is no excuse for any parent to check out beyond teaching hours. Even before a staff meeting / CPL, there is a small window to check phones.

@2under4 You are definitely not being unreasonable. Teaching has become all-consuming and it has to stop. We can still do a good job and have some resemblance of a life too. Get your dh to read this thread. He needs a wake up call sadly.

I’d also how much you do for him and his contribution.

Start doing much less for him.

If he can shrug his shoulders of responsibility, so can you.

Certainly some staff, and I was one, did not use their own phones for school business. My exception was taking pics of board work. Everything else was done on the laptops supplied to all teachers by the school and school landlines. I never gave my phone number to anyone outside the school, and the school was scrupulous in never sharing them, not even to other staff, which is as it should be.

Oh my god. She is not a single parent. Why do people give dads a complete pass from parenting? And what else could you call telling a mum, with a partner, who also has a job, ‘what do you think single parents do?’ Subtext: you useless twonk.

If he has something on on Saturday or an evening I’d nip out beforehand, say I might be back or not, but if i don’t get back in time and you miss it remember there is no responsibility and no apologies in this marriage.

As a teacher he should know how annoying it Is to reschedule! Now the teacher who prepared notes, sat there waiting and wants to move on with the other 3 million things that needs doing needs to backtrack and meet the bunch of parents who didn't show all at separate inconvenient times.

He should definitely be briefly checking his phone.

It's mad people are defending him

YANBU

Bet he doesn't forget things at work and needs someone to remind him does he?

All the posters saying in an emergency she would just call the office are ignoring the fact that she did call but noone was there to answer.

Every school I've ever been too has office staff gone by 4pm at the latest. If he's regularly staying until 6 that's 2 hours every day he's not able to be contacted in an emergency because he can't be arsed to check his phone.

Whilst I understand him not having his phone on him when kids are in for safeguarding what's stopping him sticking it in his pocket when he let's the kids go and having a quick look?

This thread is insane. He didn't maliciously avoid going home on time, he was working and forgot. Surely we have all forgot something important at some time?

I'm a teacher. I never ever complain about my workload, to anyone. But yesterday I arrived at work at 7:30 to a staffing crisis, was on playground duty, had a safeguarding issue at lunchtime, rolled straight into parents evening which over-ran because a parent had a mental health crisis in our meeting. I didn't eat all day or check my phone or even go to the loo. I checked my phone in the car on the car park and had myself forgotten something important and felt rubbish about it. I cried actually. But it wasn't on purpose, I was very busy and forgot. Some of the accusations you're levelling at OP's dp should presumably be levelled at me. But they wouldn't be true.

They're not allowed their phone inside the classroom