To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

Isn’t it just chit chat from the new lady at work? She was trying to find common ground? A family with 4 kids must have similarities whether they are biologically yours or not. Why is it such an issue for you?

How have you turned this into a thing?

People who are new to you tend to look for points of similarity as a tool for conversation and building friendship. It's not a game of top trumps and she is being difficult about acknowledging your unique cards.

You chose to have 4 kids - bit weird to make such a drama out of it 🤷‍♀️

I think you’re being very unreasonable, sorry. People are just chatting and looking for connections, they’re not claiming every aspect of having 4 children in a blended family is identical to having 4 kids of your own.

Each set up will have its own benefits and difficulties 🤷‍♀️

Why does this matter so much to you?? I have 4 children (yes, all mine, since you seem to care) and really couldn’t get worked up about this at all. She has 4 children under her care - she gets how hard it can be. It’s ridiculously petty to quibble about whether those children are biologically hers.

All families are different. They have different needs, different problems, and different positives. Its not a competition.

Oh for God's sake. Stop being ridiculous.

She isn't trying to say your lives are exactly the same. Some blended families are loving and welcome SC with open arms - it is perfectly normal to then refer to them all as DC until it comes up otherwise. As it did just minutes later!

No one is trying to play who has it worse top trumps. Yes, yes we all know you have 4DC so work harder than everyone else in the entire world. Is that what you want to hear?

This comes up a lot at the mo moment, whether you are a single/solo/Co parent and what appears to be a race to have it worse off.

I do get it. I'm a co-parent. I get niggles when friends say that they're solo or single parent for a weekend. It's different and not comparible, but i know that my situation is not the same as a genuine solo/lone patent, but it's still tough. But they don't know so I don't bother getting upset by it.

As above, sounds like it was chit chat, I'm sure she'd happily stand corrected, but I'm sure there's no need to do that.

Why does it matter so much who popped them out? Surely you have more in common on a day to day basis than not? Big food bills, travel logistics etc are different from those with just 1 or 2.
No, I clearly don't know what it's like to have 4 children, but at least your colleague seems to have embraced her SC as her own, which not everyone does.

Agree with all the previous posters. What is your problem? I think it’s nice when step-parents are inclusive.

Why do you care and why does your life have to be harder than hers to make you feel better about yourself?

🙄

I agree with PPs she was probably just trying to find common ground.

No it’s not the same as you having 4 DC living with you full time but step parenting children who aren’t yours isn’t exactly a walk in the park either especially when one or both parents aren’t on board with not treating you like a skivvy to their children. Not saying step parenting is harder, but her showing some empathy at sharing her house with 4 kids isn’t her being dismissive of your experience.

So there 4 children you have were just put on the doorstep one day as if by magic?

It is a choice

FGS, its chit-chat. Please don't speak to the new lady if you feel like that other than a hi and bye.

We had people like this at work, they'd chat, bend over backwards to chat to a new person then go around putting them down in a way. NB. not referring to you OP, but your post reminded me of that

A weird thing to get annoyed about, and another topic seemingly off limits for work chit chat. What are people even allowed to say/ comment on any more?!

Also, step-parents: villified for counting step children as part of their family and wanting to talk about them; vilified for not counting them as part of their family and not wanting to talk about them. Lose-lose.

Step-parenting and blended families are complex and fucking difficult to navigate. Give the poor woman a break.

God, no wonder step-kids feel alienated and not welcome in their new family.

It all seems a bit precious.

Whether you have children living with you full time or not, doesn't necessarily make parenting very easy. Parenting doesn't stop just because they're not physically with you.

You have a very weird and distorted view about blended families.

Are you also saying that a 'single' parent who doesn't have their child full-time has a nice easy run of it?

A friend who has 2DC and 2 SC had a really challenging time of it - as others have said it's not a competition.
I expect she was trying to find common ground with you. Maybe you two don't communicate in the same way and aren't destined to be best friends? It does seem a bit unreasonable to get so triggered by this. I get that she's getting breaks here and there but there are all sorts of tricky situations to navigate with blended families that you don't get when the DC are all your own. You can support each other without having exactly the same experience. As for all people in this situation getting on your nerves - it's the way the world is these days! I'm sure everyone means well?

Because they're not biologically hers?

So adoptive parents are childless then? 🤔

And yet as a step parent if I say I have two children and the drop in later that I have a stepchild I'm judged for leaving them out, but I mustn't count them either.
It's a mind field enough being a step parent without this nonsense to worry about.

Lol you have four kids and this is what you get "really annoyed" about 🤣

Either your kids are unusually perfect or you're wasting your energy with this

No other person is going to have exactly the same experience as you.

If she had 4 biological children, and one was away at university, that would also be different to you having 4 children living with you full time. Would you be annoyed about that too?

if one of her children had SEN, her experience would also be different to yours (assuming none of yours do).

It's ridiculous to say that she can't find a point of commonality without it being "exactly" the same.

Presumably, the op's problem is one of projecting her own feelings about blended families (an almost-hidden aside in her opening post) onto an innocuous conversation with a colleague.

It isn't a competition!