To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

You both care for four children....yabu and making an issue where there isn't one

Surely it depends on the family. I come from a blended family. My mum has been married twice. She has one daughter with the first husband and two from the second. My sister saw her father twice between the ages of 4 and 40. My dad is her dad and she has called him dad since she was 6. My mum has 3 children and 2 grandchildren but so does my dad. Being there's for 40 years trumps being there for conception.
To my sister she has two full sisters. She has two half brothers as her dad also had children with a previous marriage and she has a different relationship with them and my mum never counted them as her children during her marriage to her first husband as they lived with their mum although she was the one that paid the child maintenance when her husband failed to.

Their is other additional stuff you have to do for them that is sometimes more difficult than the ‘4 lots of packed lunches’ you described making.

for example

• driving 2 hours to pick them up on a Friday night (whilst your probably sat with a glass of wine) and 2 hours back home on the drop off day,
• washing their clothes they bring with them and rushing to dry them before the weekend is over because you don’t want to send them home with a bag full of dirty clothes for mum to wash,
• multiple weekly school drops offs as your other kids attend a different school,
• learning to cope with behaviuor situations as the other parent has a different parenting style

I could go on however this is a very distasteful post

Does it bother you because you feel like they have an easier time as you’ve explained they have their children part time where as you have 4 full time?

There are plenty of other situations where they absolutely have it harder than you, dealing with more parents and partenting style, arguments over child maintence, having to accept a new partner in their child’s life.

you don’t get an award for having it “worse” I just can’t understand why this would bother you.

I don't think you get bonus points for birthing them. Perhaps for parental responsibility. Seeing as my DSC don't count maybe I'll stop doing all the stuff I do for them oh and just turn off my feelings.

Oh crap, if we are issuing points based on responsibility I'm probably in the minus then, I'm not a responsible parent at all.

You still have to do all the stuff for your DSC, it's just not relevant in ops eyes.

Birth a child then make that child a sandwich - parenting therefore worthy.

Become a step parent and make the child a sandwich - you're just making a sandwich.

Dont mean to sound rude, but does it really matter ?. So what you choose to have 4 kids, not really a big thing in this day and age. Im 1 of 4, as is my husband. I have 3 kids. She was just trying to make converstion.

Strange. My DH calls my DC's his son and daughter when introducing them, he also has his own, and they say 'my parents' when introducing us. Why do you think it's a big deal?

I really like the fact she has included her step kids as her own. From my perspective as a single mum whose son has a Stepmum, I love to feel my son is embraced like this.

If you're having a really tough time and want support regarding the difficulty managing 4'kids needs then I can understand why you might feel slightly miffed. Other than that I find it a bit confusing why you're so peeved. Is there more context missing?

Whatever.

This is the pettiest post I've read in a very long time. OP, surely you have bigger problems than this?!

Tbh you just sound mad about having four children! I can't imagine it's easy but nobody forced you! To me, the other woman sounds lovely by saying she had four rather than two. Good on her, and I know from experience it's hard when they're not actually your own, so many eggshells to be broken! Would you have had the same response to a man if he said he had four and only two were his?

It's lovely when parents and step parents count them all as part of the family. They are. Why bother with the 'race to the bottom ' comparison?
Why be irritated about nothing?

Is it really a thing? It sounds like you’ve blown it out of proportion.

I’d have replied exactly the same as your colleague and yet I am a stepmum to 2, 2 mine. I’d have been in exactly the same boat as you as they lived with us!
Anyone that includes the SK as their own, in my opinion is commendable and that’s even if they do only visit P/T.

think she was just trying to find some common ground with you

You sound jealous that she gets a break, whereas you don't.

I guess it would only bother me if I couldn’t handle 4 kids (which I couldn’t, that’s why we have 1)

I only have 2 but I'm a single parent, so is that the same ratio as you? Oh but hang on, I work FT. Oh but hang on, mine are a bit older. Oh but hang on, one of mine has SN. Oh but hang on, I'm also a carer for a friend with Alzheimers. Oh but hang on, I'm getting old and fat and tired...

Do you see how crazy-making all this maternal competition is, OP? There will always be people better off than you, and people worse off. But you won't ever really know who is in which category. I am hugely sympathetic to the toll of having four young kids - two nearly finished me off - but then again having a loving, committed dp must be the greatest asset in the world.

Good grief, they're just making conversations and finding identification, they're not competing with you.

It sounds like you'd benefit from some self help or therapy to understand why you're thinking so negatively about other people's intentions.

What a crazy thread - We brought up a blended family, but my SDC’s were with us all the time, as their Mum had died. And my DC’s were also with us all the time, as their father chose to disappear from their lives.
OP, you cannot possibly say that my blended family was an easier ride than your family. It can be incredibly challenging bringing up any children, let alone ones who are not biologically your own.
Everyone’s circumstances are different.

My husband tells people he has five kids. Four are my ex husband’s so does he have it easy as I only birthed one of his? Or does he get extra points because they live with us full time and he does all of the day to day parenting stuff with all of them?
Sorry, I think YABU. Once upon a time my four eldest visited their dad for weekends and I don’t feel like it made me any less of a parent. In fact it added more stress. The challenges are different but they’re still challenges.

Yes, you’re right. You win the parenting competition. 👏🏼

What if you teach the child to make their own sandwich! Or go for a lazy no butter needed wrap?

It's a minefield. I'll need a spreadsheet

Sounds like you want a medal for having 4DC’s.

Maybe if you gave birth to the sandwich you get more points 🤷🏻‍♀️

It really is a minefield.