To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

Wonder if the op has vanished to go and hunt for an even bigger spoon...

You sound completely irrational OP.
I feel sorry for your poor colleague. I hope you didn't show your open disdain for her situation.

This is why i avoid socialising at work... even the smallest thing is going to set someone off these days

I mean as I single parent, I could get huffy with parents who pitch themselves as a single parent, but have the financial support of another adult. Its not the same. But that would be me deminishing someone elses challenges, which I am certain are very real.

But that doesn't mean that others don't also face other different challenges to yourself. Comparing yourself to others will never make you happy. And diminishing other people's problems to make yourself feel, what? Vindicated? It will just serve to isolate you from people.

I must be a real red flag because Ive never given birth yet I have two children and 5 grandchildren from 2 generations of blended families :)

Hands up I never had full child care responsibilities but I still call them my children as Ive been in their lives since the eldest was 4 ( 38 now )

I often say to strangers ( as in work colleagues people at play parks etc ) that yes we have 5 grandchild and two children. I dont need to go into the details of who birthed who

@suki1964 Why wouldn’t you just say you have two stepchildren? My dh has a stepmum and both of us would be completely baffled if she started referring to him as being her son, he already has a mum, she’s his stepmum.

"part time kids"

Excuse me, WTF?

As a single mom, i do not have 'part time kids' just because they spend 4 nights a month with their dad.

How fucking dare you?

I get all 4 up and ready in the morning, do school and nursery drop off, go to work, do the food shop and meal planning for 4, make packed lunches, pick them up and take them home, feed them, bath them and put them to bed (not complaining about this, it's just life with 4 DC)

I don’t know OP, in a busy morning when dealing with SC you will need the calm and diplomacy skills of the UN to coax little Johnny kindly away from the Xbox, without starting the Armageddon if you dare to tell him off. While with your own child you just shout “get the blooming shoes on NOW and get in the car!!!” and you are out of the house in 5 minutes.

And also it takes more merit to routinely do all that shopping, cooking and packed lunches for children who are not totally yours.

Exactly what I was about to ask.

Get over yourself, OP 🙄.

4 children is unusual so I presume you’re used to responses of ‘wow’ ‘you’re a super mum it must be so difficult’ and as this lady also said she had 4 children you’re no longer ‘special’.

Sounds more like sour grapes from you that your ‘thing’ had been taken away from you.

Very weird thing to get het up about. I echo other pps jn saying that blended families can be hard work, I know this from.experience and it does take a long time for the family to to properly "blend"
Having DC and SDCs doesn't make anyone less valid as a parent

Spot on.

I have four children and whilst I empathise with you as you seem a bit done by in by it all I think you are being unreasonable. Everyone has different circumstances and it’s hard to quantify how much parenting someone is doing just by the number of children they have. You can be married but have a spouse who doesn’t do childcare. Single but have a support network of helpful relatives etc. Single but share parenting 50/50 with an ex.

Regardless of circumstances it is tricky managing 4dc

If I was chatting to someone I’d literally just met I’d say that I have 6DC.

I don’t…I have 3 and my DH has 3 but tbh if I’ve just met you it’s got f*ck all to do with you anyway.

I cook for them, iron their school shirts, collect dirty cups from their rooms, buy them tampons and deodorant and hug them when they’re sad and discipline them when they’re in the wrong.

The fact the 3 of them didn’t enter the world via my body doesn’t make what I do for them any less important.

I think you need to get a grip. Or a hobby.

Here is your award, OP💐

Oh and your ‘part time kid’ comment was disgusting.

You are being ridiculous. Why do you need to feel like you need to be seen to have more kids than everyone else

You have 2 adults at home, I'm a single mum to 2 does that mean we are closer to the same boat as I never have another adult to help?
Can we not just be glad that we have other mothers to talk to who understand how difficult parenting can be?

I think calling separated parents who still both want to spend time with their children ‘part-time’ is very offensive.

@Skg452 so if you meet someone with 4 biological children who is divorced so has them 50% of the time, do they also not count as having 4 children?

Yet when someone tells you they get it you turn round and say no you don’t.

if you want people to chat to who get it then, then start being more open minded about who might get it and you will find that you have more people to talk to.

I wouldnt worry about it.

Id say she wont bother her arse talking to you again.

I know i wouldnt.

Obviously your life is very different from a blended family and having four children full time is not the same as a family where some are part time.

People I know don’t tend to claim their step children entirely as their own. They tend to say, for example
I have two children and two step children that we have…..blah blah amount of the time.

I wouldn’t get upset about others who speak differently though. Why bother.

Step parents just cannot win. If they say they have 2 DC (excluding step kids in these numbers) they are slated for exclude step kids and treating them differently!

and just to go even more against what you’re saying, I actually think step parents have it tougher than your situation. Your 4 children are all yours biologically. You aren’t dealing with children that you may not love but have to treat equally to children you’ve birthed and are closer too. You don’t have another parent in a different home with different rules and possibly causing issues for you by being difficult/argumentative etc.