To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

Of all the things you could be annoyed about OP, this seems really bizarre.

Ah so your kids are worth more as you carried them all, you deserve the best mother award! Surely you decided to have four kids whereas your colleague has acquired two and yet is still making the best of her inclusive, blended family. If you need a date night book a baby sitter, it's not a race to the bottom.

Part time kids? What is wrong with you.

What a load of nonsense, do you think you having 4 dc by yourself makes you better than her as a parent? It was, after all your choice to have 4? I also have 4 I am a single parent and I have a child with Sen who is full on, it’s tough but I don’t think the way you do, you take it as it was meant chit chat and move on. Why does everything need to be competitive?

Quite.

I have noticed that some people feel ‘special’ or somehow better in the parenting stakes for having a lot of children and perhaps those who value this resent others who try to gain the ‘big family’ status by stealth. Not sure if that’s what’s going on here, though.

4 dc is still fairly unusual. I’m sure it is a lot of work & someone with 2 DC and 2 DSC may just be trying to empathise, but to op, they may seem to be trying to get the same kudos without doing the hard yards.

I experienced some sense of this irritation with an acquaintance who is stepmother to the son of a friend of mine, in addition to having a dd of her own. She constantly talks about “my son” in conversations, hardly mentioning her own dd. As I see it, he isn’t her son - he has his own mother (my good friend) so it feels a bit strange and proprietary.

Personally I have 3dc and 1dsc and if asked, that’s exactly what I say.

For goodness sake, why does it matter?! It's not a competition.

She was making small talk. You said it yourself. If you were having a heart to heart and saying you struggled to cope, and she responded she’s in the same boat and manages fine- then yes you can be annoyed. But it was just small talk.

You sound very highly strung.

You may have grown up in a blended family but you have not been a stepmother.

She has it far worse than you. She has 4 children who do not recognise one of the adults as their parent or better said, their authority, at home. She needs to deal with another mother who is hypersensitive to her children disagreements, balance her attention to the children very carefully to avoid being accused of discriminating or over compensating the children who are not biologically hers. She is expected to be Mother Nature, ignore bad behaviour and personal aggressions while being reviled for being a step mother.

2 kids may go to the other parent house for a few days and in exchange of that “rest” she gets a very complicated family life.

What you both have in common is that both of you CHOSE to have 4 kids in their life, instead of being competing for a medal you both should be showing more consideration for each other.

Yabu. My friend has 5 children. 2 are her step children but they've lived with her since being toddlers when SS removed them from their mums care. They see their mum for an afternoon on a Sunday. My friend does everything and works 2 jobs while her husband does 1 demanding long houred job. My friend has 5 kids she's been their full time mum for over 10 years.

This sounds like you usually think saying you have 4 kids makes you the hardest working most medal person in a group.

This woman’s life is more complicated than yours in ways you can’t begin to imagine (being a step child gives you no understanding of life as a step parent) so you take her statement as an affront and have to find ways to diminish her family so you’re still the hero/martyr/best of all for coping.

You’re also projecting your issues about having a step parent, which happens a lot.

I’m sorry if you find life with all the children you chose to have tiring or difficult. But that’s not this woman’s fault.

I have 4 DC, all mine, all live with me.

This is utterly ridiculous. Ofc she has 4 DC, I can’t understand your way of thinking at all.

Someone is being ridiculous here and it's not that previous poster

This. You're acting like you were forced in to having 4 children. Are you actually OK?

I have 3 kids- 2 of which are my sc.

I refer to having three children, as that is my family makeup. And yes, I have to plan and work out life around their various comings and goings. I run them places, I cook for them, washing, life admin, care, love ...

And they're all brilliant.

So you can do one @op. And stop policing the way I chose to describe my family set up. Good on you for popping four out and staying together with the same fella from the outset; Pleased for you that your life is less complicated and more traditional.

Betterment doesn't come from doing other people down. Just enjoy your similarities with this co worker, and make her feel welcome?!!

Jesus get a grip. How does it matter?

I too do not understand what your issue is and certainly not why you would be “really annoyed”. Of course your colleague, who also regularly looks after four kids “gets it”. In any case, in the same conversation she told you she had four and moments later that two are not biologically hers. What is there to get annoyed about? Like somebody said, are you trying to garner sympathy or are you trying to position yourself as being superior to a blended family?

I don’t have four children, but I am one of four children (not blended family). I don’t remember my mum making such a fuss about her hard life and she worked as well. My parents also went on “date nights”. Babysitters, no extended family around.

To be honest I think what she's doing is fab. Seeing kids that aren't her own as her own. Absolute credit to her. No she isn't in the same situation as you. She's taken two children that aren't hers and treats them as her own. I can tell you that this isn't an easy thing to do, and navigating this is very tough (you're not the Mum, but you still need to care for them without overstepping boundaries, discipline sits with the parents, hostility from them towards her for being the new woman). Enormous credit to her.....

Indeed. It's a lot harder to love and care for children that aren't your own.

I don't know what your problem is. It's not a competition over who has the hardest life with kids.

Of course she should say she has 4 kids. That's the whole point of a blended family - so everyone is treated the same.

She has 4 kids though. Sounds like she was just making chit chat.

It sounds like you are desperately unhappy because you can’t think of how people have different challenges to you. You’ve painted it as if you’re a single mother with absolutely no help from their father.

Some people with 4 kids won’t find it hard though. Some people with 2 kids would find it equally as tough as you find four.

You lack empathy, which is why you’re struggling to see they may have different challenges to you, but people without four kids can get how tiring it is. Which is why most people don’t have children.

I don’t think anyone plans to split up with their partner when they have children. Your colleague dealt with what life handed her, she includes two step children in her life because her relationship with her previous partner broke down and she has a new relationship. You planned four children with your husband, who you are still with and are complaining that you have it harder. You signed up to this. Your colleague didn’t sign up for her situation but absolutely, you have it harder.

There have been several AIBU recently where the very idea of NOT including your DSC in your "child count" has been deemed the worst...

Well I think it's heartening that she views them all as under her care. There are so many depressing threads on here about people who find their step children a huge inconvenience, so how nice to hear that this isn't the case for her.

Choosing to have four children of your own doesn't mean you deserve some sort of special recognition. It's not a competition. Four easy kids is probably less work than two challenging ones. But who is trying to put a level on it, apart from you?