To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

I get where you are coming from, but for new colleague, it was just friendly chit chat.

Whether you gave four children full-time, or four children part-time, each presents its own set of pleasure and problems.

If mumsnet has taught me anything it's how easy having step children is. Having a blended family sounds infinitely easier than full time kids 😂😂😂😂

I agree with you. My cousin has 3 kids (all of which are hers) but is giving me advice on how easy it is to have 3 as if one isn’t shipped off to their dads 50% of the time and in nursery another 25% 😅 like it’s just not the same??

It's heartening that these mothers you mention are speaking about the children in an equal and inclusive way. That might be part of the key to getting a blended family to work - as opposed to thinking "My kids. His kids".

Well I’m on your side. I’ve always found this annoying. Particularly when you know the step children spend the vast majority of time with their mother.

I think you are being a bit weird.
People always look for conversational threads to be able to have chat with someone. She found the thread of '4 children'

Honestly, you sound a bit grumpy and more than a bit UR.

I don’t have four children so I can’t comment on that. I am a childminder though so I do get asked are they ALL yours most days. 🙄
Surely if your new coworker forgot to mention her two step children, that would be more of an issue?

I think it's great when people treat their DSC like their own, that certainly wasn't the case with me when I was a teen, but I'm talking about the daily grind.

I get all 4 up and ready in the morning, do school and nursery drop off, go to work, do the food shop and meal planning for 4, make packed lunches, pick them up and take them home, feed them, bath them and put them to bed (not complaining about this, it's just life with 4 DC)

I'm not saying blended families are easy, far from it, but it's not the same as having part time kids who live elsewhere, sometimes their time at their other parents overlaps meaning she gets a date night with her DP. That doesn't happen in my house because it's just me and DH.

I agree entirely with shepherdsangeldelight.

But at some point those parents have had 4 kids around them to look after.
so they do have an understanding. No situation will ever be 100% the same.

also did you not consent to 4 children Op? You seem incredibly annoyed at your situation.

I do it find it weird when people claim other peoples children are theirs.
I came from separated parents and as far as I was aware I had a mum and a dad they had partners.
I think I was about 9 when my dad's girlfriend introduced me to someone as "this is citruslemmon my daughter and I remember just thinking no I'm not!

I asked my dad later why she said that and he said that's what she thinks and I thought she must be really confused or really stupid if she thought she was my mum.

It’s really tiring this race to see who really has it worse.

You have four kids full time by yourself. That’s hard. The lady at work has four kids through a blended family. That’s hard. You don’t get a break but they will be dealing with challenges of different rules at different houses, different lifestyles. It’s similar in that you have four children (stating the bleeding obvious) and you need to manage all of their needs, it’s different in that you have different challenges arising from parenting these four children.

My friend is like this, she always has it worse. She can’t see other people struggle in different ways to her. I really struggle to spend time with her now, as do our other friends.

Your colleague's life sounds harder to be honest, different rules in different homes etc.

Why did you have 4 kids if you wanted date nights etc?

On this basis, would you consider yourself to not have four children if you were separated from their other parent and they spent fifty percent of their time elsewhere? Would you tell people you only had two children? Or if you had two children each with two different partners, so didn’t care for all of them at once 100% of the time.

You're being daft. She’s a new colleague making conversation and finding common ground. You share similar issues which come with large families.

But it was a choice

So you're pissed off that she appears to have it easier than you?
Do you regret having 4 kids?

So weird to constantly compare yourself to everyone else and find your own circumstances wanting...

but it's not the same as having part time kids

🙄 what a shitty turn of phrase

I think you need to look at why instead of finding ways to connect with and empathise with your colleague, you are choosing to disconnect and find reasons to differentiate yourself from them.

But by this logic someone who has 4dc and a partner living with them is also not allowed to say they have 4 and get it because they don't have it as hard as you?

(FWIW I have 4, all my own, who live with me full time and I'm a single mum, but I still think YABU in this context)

"Part time kids" wow

Your colleague has some days when there are four kids in the house. So she has an understanding of what it's like. That's what she said. She did not say "my life is exactly as hard as yours is and in the exact same way, we are martyr sisters"

It’s really tiring this race to see who really has it worse.

Indeed. Also tiring to see and hear people talk about how having 4 is "having it worse" when there are people who would literally give their right arm to have just one. Who has a child, discovers how awful and difficult it is, and then goes on to have three more?

But that woman does have four children?

The person you should be annoyed with is your husband, the way you were describing all the things you did sounded like you didn’t have one. Why are you doing it all? You sound very unhappy with your situation. Maybe try and think about what you can do to change your life to make it better rather than disparage others lives you seem to be jealous of.

Oh don't be ridiculous.

I find it weird that you are making this a negative, like 4 children were thrust upon you with no choice. Surely you had the foresight to know the daily grind would be harder with multiple children and consciously choose to have a large family.

In fact I bet it's harder as a blended family, lots of emotions to unravel, never quite being in a routine, sometimes having 2 children around other times 4 and the logistics around that, 2 of which may not listen as you aren't their parent.