To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

First post I've ever seen where I've wanted to tell OP to shut up and quit whinging.
As your say, within your first post (where, interestingly enough, you make no mention of the fact that you have an husband), you very clearly state that it was small talk.
So, I guess it was just your colleague's way of connecting during a superficial conversation?
Of course it's not the same. No two families' circumstances are identical. That's axiomatic, right?
I don't know why this bothers you so much, but let it go, maybe, and get save getting het up for things that actually matter?
🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

I have 4DC. 2 are with my exH, 2 are with my current partner, who I don't live with. The elder 2 go to their dads every other Friday - Sunday, 1 goes and stays Tuesday and Thursday evenings as well so she's there pretty much 50/50. The other sometimes goes on a Thursday but doesn't stay. The younger 2 stay at their dads every other Friday and Saturday night too. So I get 4 nights a month completely child free.

I still have 4DC, I grew them, birthed them, fed them from my body. Just because I get some time away from them because they are at their dads doesn't mean I don't have 4DC. Blended family or not, 4 children is hard work in anyway you experience it and you come across quite bitter that someone "has it easier than you".

So you want to chat/commiserate with other women who have 4DC by choice and an absentee DH all week ...? OK then. Good luck with that as I barely know anyone with 4 DC to begin with. Why is it some kind of weird competition? I do however have lots of friends who have kids with special needs and disabilities... Will they beat you at this crazy top trumps game or not?? 🙄🙄

100% this!! Absolute madness she’s made it into a competition. As I said earlier on I have 50/50 with my children so am I a “part time parent”?
also like you mentioned I have a child with disabilities and even when they are at the other household I’m the one on the phone sorting prescriptions, appointments etc.
poor new person at work was trying to chat and it’s been taken like this is dreadful isn’t it.

Seriously? Get a grip mate.
just because she didn’t push two out of her moomar or cut open the sun roof doesn’t mean she doesn’t have them as children to take care of and bring up.
🙄

In some cases being a step parent can actually be much harder than being a biological parent. It has completely different challenges and dynamics.

No one made you have 4 children 🙄

Yabu, sorry but you are. Parenting is not a competition.

Large families have similar challenges whether blended or not. Yes there are also differences, but it's not a case that one is harder or more worthy than the other. When I was single and sharing care with my ex 50/50 I also got told its different for me as I get a break...true but do people think you have kids and then find it easy to be without them 50% of the time.

Life is better when we find common ground and offer support and understanding rather than play the game of 'my life is harder than yours'. Parenting is both immensely rewarding and extremely challenging regardless of what your family looks like

Having grown up in a family of 4 kids (all full siblings) and knowing ‘blended’ families of 4 kids… I would say my experience of having full siblings was MUCH easier than the blended families I’ve observed.
Sure we had disagreements but ultimately all loved each other, our parents both parented us all, we were al treated the same, non of this ‘it’s the full time kids house, bedrooms, etc’ no jealousy over Dad or Mum having more kids with someone else and spending more time with their DSC or new kids than us…. You even state yourself growing up as a blended family was awful!…. So yes I suspect parents of 4 in blended families can identify with you…but in all seriousness I expect life is often harder for them… yes the kids go off to other parents and they get a break but the stress is real…. Harder… having to be careful what you say in your own home encase a DSC takes offence…. Not being able to book a holiday or even a birthday treat for a DC without ‘having’ to consider whether you’re having to invite the DSC along… meaning you can never have a holiday with just your own DC … having the whole dynamics of one set of kids getting more or seeing more of the other parent and their family… imagine if two of your kids saw their dad every weekend plus a meal out in the week and holidays once a year then the other 2 only saw their Dad once a year and he forgot birthdays and Christmas and barely text…. That’s the reality of some blended families.

OP why are you trying to turn it into some kind of competition like you e got it so much harder than anyone else.
my sister does. Exactly the same thing. She has three children and it’s like there’s no one else on the planet that’s doing what she’s doing.
why make it into anything bigger

I think this lady just wanted to make chit chat and it's not a big deal.

I get your general point though; it is different having a blended family. In some ways it's easier (even with only 2 children I used to be jealous of parents who could send their kids off to the other parent for a few days each week!) But in other ways it's more challenging, because you need to manage so many different angles and constantly negotiate with the other parents which must be draining.

Yes OP your a much better person than your new stepmom at work.
you are a REAL mum.
here have a badge.

I imaginethe issue is more that the colleague does not parent 4 dc all the time.

They might only have all four kids together every other weekend, while OP has 4dc all the time, everyday, making all three decisions about their life and care (just like adoptive parents do, but not like step parents traditionally would)

Are you seriously gatekeeping this?! If she considers them all to be her kids then yes, she has 4 kids.

Kindly, fuck off.

So my friend who has six kids, but the eldest has moved out, and the next 2 go to their dad's sometimes... does she only actually have 3?

i think you need to get over yourself personally. I don’t understand your issue, it feels like this is a bit of a pity post. I grew up in a blended family and for me whether my siblings came from my mum or dad it doesn’t really matter as they are my siblings. We don’t do half/step or any other blend. We all lived together so would you have the same issue if my mum shared she had a blended family? Is the issue that biologically not everyone is the same or is the issue that things are quite hard for you at the moment as I think you mentioned your husband works long hours so you do lots of solo parenting?

You have 4DC all the time and she has 2DC some of the time and 4DC some of the time so that seems like less work.
But you don't have the stress of different kids at different places and dealing with ex partners.
For example on Christmas day you just all spend the day together, easy. A blended family has to do a lot of organising and travelling and kids here Christmas morning and somewhere else in the evening etc.
It's sounds like you're the one that doesn't get it.

I have 4dc (all mine) and it's never crossed my mind to judge other people's family situations. One of my friends also has 4dc but hers are very close in age, mine are very well spaced so mostly like having 2dc.

I have 4 DC, 3 biological and 1 ss. But I see my ss as my own, I love him as my own and I worry about him just like he is my own. Yes they all spend time with their respective other parent but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I have 4 children to raise, feed, clothe, care for physically and emotionally and talk about without having to go into wether I birthed all of them or not. Yes I get time off as a parent but so do most parents whether they are from a blended family or not. So yes I think YABU.