To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

It sounds like you enjoy the attention you get for having 4 children and by her saying she has 4 too means you're no longer 'special'. It's a bizarre thing to feel so passionately about.

My husband and I have 5 together. If I'd had that conversation with a new work colleague I'd be more curious how they make it work, is the ex nice, do the kids all get along, do they have any child free time with their partner, rather than feeling superior because I birthed 5 children and she didn't.

Life is stressful enough as it is without looking for things to get annoyed and offended by

Poor woman was just making conversation.

I wonder what you'd think of me and DP calling his son "the kid" in front of actual genuine bona fide parents (Not my child). Nah....not bothered.

A friend who had four kids married someone with six. They beat both of you.

I'm a 'part time' parent. It's a real joy to switch off from your child during those time and just not think of them at all. I mean it's just like they don't exist. To do absolutely nothing for them when they aren't around

Oh no. Because stuff still happens, and being the geographically closer parent to school, when sh*t goes down, I go and clear it up. Pick up when poorly, pick up when the school closes midday due to flooding. Pick up when the other parent is stuck in work. Or grandparents. As a parent it is simply not possible to be part time. And I think your comment is pretty grim to be honest. I think someone needs to find some blimin empathy rather than wallowing in their own problems so deeply they cannot possibly see other people's.

Another stepmother can't win situation then.

She sees her SC as her DC along with her bio DC which is lovely yet you have an issue with it.
If she didn't class her SC as part of her DC she would be getting branded the evil stepmother playing favourites.

Honest don't envy SM cos they can't do right for doing wrong!

Maybe it was the tone and the body language.
My PIL talk about my BIL, their son, as if he's parent of the bloody year with two of his own kids plus two step kids.
And yes, he makes quite an effort sometimes.
Truth is, he was a part time dad when he was with his first wife, she absolutely did all the heavy lifting and continues to do all the dull stuff or the tricky stuff.
All the ex parents are marshalled so that BIL & current wife have lots of completely child free time for adventurous travel.
All the kids are screwed up in different ways and at the heart of it is BIL, who never prioritises how a teenager might feel.
The way PIL talk about him working so hard abroad (he was WFH but with Thai broadband) and straight into picking up the kids.....gives me the rage just writing this but I guess why shouldn't he, why not take off with your partner and WFH with all inclusive package.
Have suggested that DH and I take this up but he pointed out we'd need exes and we don't have any I interest in breaking in new partners, we kind of like travelling together.

I don't think she said 'my life is exactly as hard as yours'

Blended families can be easier for parents in that they get time off, but the stress and admin of coparenting and arguing and lawyers etc to me are worse than a night off (I currently have the stress and no nights off!)

Wtf 😅

You know, not everyone who birthed 4 biological children has the same circumstances as you, either. Some have helpful family nearby. Some have more helpful DHs. Some have more money to hire help

This poor woman was just trying to connect with you and I think it's lovely that she appears to see all of these kids as hers / her responsibility.

I genuinely think that you should try not to get worked up about this.

Another case of SM not being able to win, if she’d excluded her DSC then someone would have leapt on her for not including them in the tally of her children.

I personally would have said I have two children and two step children…to be honest, it would be easier to have four DC full time then trying to juggle schedules, other parents, etc. speaking from experience!

You should have stuck to one child if you was going to get so stressed about it 😂

Honestly, you sound like you think you are better than her because all 4 children are yours.

YABU

Have a medal

Here’s your 🥇

Step mothers really can't win. Being bitched about because you refer to your step kids as family.

I have 1 DSC and have been criticised for not including him in the full number when counting my kids.

I said I have 2 DC and DH has an older child, DSC. I don’t mention my DSC unless it’s relevant in the context usually, as it’s just too much hassle to explain.

I’ve had another parent tell me I wasn’t accepting of him for not calling him “mine” and using the term “DH’s son”

What you call a DSC is so bloody contentious. Give her a break OP.

"In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time."

You do realise that even parents of their own biological children sometimes only have their children half of the time don't you?! My DP has a DD who lives with us half the time but he's still a parent regardless of how much time she spends with us! What a weird comment to make. Should he say he has no children if anyone asks 😂

Also @Whatafustercluck has picked up on the subtle drop-in of the fact OP had an unhappy step child experience herself so clearly has an issue with other people who are step-parents. No doubt OP used "you're not my real mum / dad" countless times growing up and still feels that way now.

ironically I imagine it’s HARDER to have two children and two step children often all under one roof. Surely MUCH more risk of stresses and emotions ( drop offs / other parents etc!) also they probably have similar costs despite other parents !

I'm amazed that someone with four children has time to get worked up about what goes on inside someone else's head. It has no impact whatsoever on you or your family.

I’m interested - do people who are step mums mind hearing their children being referred to as being the son / daughter of another woman? I think I would find this difficult.

If you really want to get into the who has it harder with kids Olympics, I can guarantee many MANY people on here could trump you.

This is a very weird thing to be getting wound up by. Presumably you’re happy with your decision to have 4. You don’t have the issues blended families have. Everyone has their own difficulties

I'd be tetchy if I had 4 kids, too. Step or otherwise.
This " I have it worse" syndrome is really tedious when making small talk.

Why did you choose to have 4 children if you’re only going to complain about it and feel sorry for yourself whilst having zero empathy for other parents in a similar boat? Presumably, the colleague with step-children actually has it much harder than you as she has to potentially manage very tricky relationships between the children when they’re all together?

Do you also complain about not getting enough support from grandparents to do your childcare for you too?

OP you sound like an absolute martyr.

She may get a break sometimes and yes that’s nice but taking on 2 dc that are not your own (on top of your own 2) would be arguably harder. Not that it’s a competition ever. Life with any number of kids is exhausting. Grow up.

I have 4dc too. It doesn’t make you a higher level parent.

So as a true solo parent I strongly object to you pretending it’s just you and the kids during the week. It’s just not the same is it???

See how ridiculous you sound? 😂