How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

I'm so sorry people have spoken to you like this.
I've experienced similar recently. I've always been between a size 8 and 10 until the last few years my weight has been steadily increasing and I'm now a size 18 (health related issues) and I've been pretty upset at how people (both strangers and people I know) have treated me.

I've been called fat by a salesman in a shop.
I've been told I'm embarrassing to be seen out with
I've had my stomach poked because the person was trying to figure out whether it was in fact my stomach or my clothes making me look that big
I've been asked if I was pregnant

I am beginning to get the impression that people generally assume that a person must not care about the way they look if they're overweight and so don't mind being told it.

And to answer your question, I'm afraid I haven't figured out how to stop the comments.

The comment about what you look like 'in person' makes me wonder if you use a lot of filters and Photoshop or Facetune online? Most people get very few rude and personal comments like this, so it seems unusual. But if you're (intentionally or inadvertently) catfishing people it makes more sense.

"Wow, what a horrible thing to say to a stranger/friend"
"That wasn't nice to hear"
"Who taught you that's OK to say things like that to people?"

Let’s not lie here

Internet dating people are weird to everyone.

I think unfortunately being "out there" as a woman in a front facing role, meeting new people, using social media, dating apps means you are vulnerable and under nasty scrutiny a lot.

Either creeps if they think you look nice or critics if they think you look bad.

People can be very nasty especially if you're a solo single female and they detect no-one has your back, or they sense you're feeling a bit vulnerable and sensitive.

Is your job events or sociable in its nature?

Some women take the Princess Anne approach and minimise their appearance so it's like a boring uniform, so they don't feel they're "bringing their personality out" in their dress sense.

So just have a basic outfit/appearance that you wear every workday and then be yourself at other times (black top and trousers or something. Don't even think about it clothes).

Similar with social media etc, if you're feeling vulnerable lock it down and restrict what you do.

Hm. I'm not convinced. Yeah, people want to be curvy. But there's still the expectation that, with those things, people have a very tiny waist, even disproportionately so.

OP, I really don't know what to suggest but those people sound incredibly rude.

Do you tell these people the comments are upsetting, unwanted and unprofessional?

Sometimes you have to call people out

You have to call people out. There's no sense in taking the hit every time. Stand up for yourself. Repeat exactly what they've said back to them and watch them squirm. Letting them get away with it enables them to continue treating/speaking to you like this.

You’re mistaken. The trend was to have a small waist with flat stomach/abs with wide hips/bum. Your legs and arms were still supposed to be slim/toned. The look is an exaggerated slim pear/hourglass figure like Kylie Jenner - a quite rare figure in most people. The trend was definitely not to be a bigger woman all over. Hence why BBL surgery was so popular.

Plus that beauty trend is dying now, being slim is already trending again.

It depends on height, being a size 14 and petite will look heavier than being a tall size 12

Bloody hell, @Beepbeep18 @wowihaveagardennow Being insulted, catcalled, and subjected to sundry other forms of intrusive behaviour is all part of the joys of being female, but you're describing really out-there levels of rudeness!

OP, you mentioned "at a night I do", so I'm guessing you're in hospitality of some sort. It's true that people can get even weirder when they're out - could be nerves, substances, who cares. And I do think people are getting ruder. It's not you, they're ill-mannered cockfaces.

Answer them back. Take your pick, mix 'n' match - tell them they're rude, blandly thank them, insult them better if you're quick witted, fall around laughing and pointing, sneer "do be quiet" ... I'm sure other posters can contribute more!

No, it's definitely not considered acceptable without the hourglass shape. It's all about the 'skinny thick' look.

And as @eeeeliallllx said, you get judged for being skinny too, if you don't have the hourglass shape.

If you look at any so called aspirational look pages on social media, it's all slightly bigger women who have squeezed themselves into shape wear to get this shape. Or obviously edited to be thinner in the waist.

Plus, it's not really about what men like. It's fashion.

The trend you referenced isn’t being plus sized, it was to be a slim hourglass…which is basically an unattainable figure for most women. People like Kylie Jenner are definitely still fitting into a size 8 for example regardless of their curves.

I’m in my 20s so grew up whilst the Kardashian era was popular and also when it was on its way out. Most people my age now wear clothes that emphasise having a flat stomach eg cargos and crop tops, low waisted jeans etc the general 90s resurgence. Trends have definitely moved on to being fit and slim now - it’s not about having a big bum but a toned gym bum etc.

No, the heroin chic look in the 90s wasn't about what men liked, neither was the waif look back in the 60s. Or any fashion for women's figures.

It's about unattainable, unrealistic figures, which is why it becomes fashionable. If it's exclusive, it's appealing.

Men aren't a homogeneous mass that all like one type of figure. Some like bigger women, some prefer thin. It's an individual preference. What we're told in the media we need to look like is completely separate.

I hate it when people totally derail the thread.

Who cares what the beauty standard is right now...

The issue is that OP is receiving terrible comments that are upsetting her.

OP, I'm so sorry you are getting this.
I would start looking people in the eye and calling them out.

That man I would have said, "So you used me for sex then"?

And other people I would say "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Don't let them get away with it, it's disgusting!!!

I've noticed that manners have totally gone out the window since covid.

This is disgusting I'm so sorry for yesterday op.
Give sarcastic responses but God what horrible people there are out there

Not fir yesterday, stupid phone I mean in general