How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

What? 😂
Sorry, most men don't like a bit of a belly.
And a size 16 is an average.
At least in the UK.

Also - 'if you have an opinion, now would be a good time to keep it to yourself'.

I can't believe people these days. What is wrong with society that the EQ seems to have vanished?

I’ve been various sizes in my life and I’ve never had any comments like that. I wonder if maybe you come across as very confident and people want to knock you down a bit. Or do you wear a lot of nice clothes and make up that sort attracts attention to your looks? Obviously non of those things are excuses for people to be dickheads but it does seem unusual that it happens so much.

My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

What does this mean? Why do people feel uncomfortable around you? Skill set from your profession?

I would say it’s their issue. But maybe look at how it’s come about. Work on your confidence. They do not sound like nice people.

Is drink taken when these comments are made?

OP I'm so sorry people are saying these awful things to you. I've had comments about my appearance since I was about 11. I am skinny with a big fat ugly face. People are so horrible. I was a recluse throughout my teens and twenties. Missed out on all those years. At 30 I thought 'fuck them' and took myself to night school then went to university. I was still called ugly and still cried about it but just decided to get on with things or I'd never have a life. It's shit and I don't know what the answer is. It makes me so angry that people think it's OK to do this. I just wanted to tell you I understand OP 💐

I am just wondering whether there is any context. Is it possible that you unintentionally say or do things that make people feel criticised and want to retaliate? It really is strange to get so many comments from so many different people.

OP, sarcastic responses are the best.
They soon will understand that they can keep their mean opinions to themselves or you will be telling theirs yours.

And if they sulk remember the power of these two word and use them accordingly "fuck off".

Unfortunately in life 😕 you will come across arseholes in life male and females ones

I think it's a case of building up your resilience your cofindence levels on continuously levels,

So when you come across arseholes like this you have got the cofindence to stand up for yourself and not to let these kinds of comments get too,

Even if you had supermodel looks and figure ect,
You would still attract come across certain people who would be mean and nasty 🤷 who would say remarks who does she think she,
she is up herself, she thinks she is speacial, better than us ect,

I know the feeling had that coming across arseholes experince
and some people wonder why some people prefer animals their pets, to people their own species,

Typo omission mistakes get to you *

This is odd for it to happen so frequently and in so many different ways. I wonder OP, do you act confident about your looks? Dress in a noticeable way, refer to your appearance, show your photos? Because nothing brings out this sort of behaviour as fast as a woman with the temerity to appear to like her own appearance. If you're very attractive you're expected to be subtle and understated. If you're average or less conventionally attractive you're supposed to apologise for yourself. If you don't do either they'll be someone on the look out to put you in your place.

My retort is ,I can do something about being fat but you will always be stupid...this is usually met with only joking,no need to be like that.yes there is .

@Foxyaus

Yes! That is great! The silence for them will be embarrassing!

If they want the person to comment ask if they want applause!

Or when you ask them to repeat it, sigh and mockingly say "That wasn't worth saying really, was it?"

I can't imagine a conversation where 'owning your plus size' would come up apropos of nothing. I mean, how would she think you didn't? Sounds to me like a conversation where you expressed that you didn't think you were fat/liked your figure and she wanted to put you in your place.

Unfortunately in life 😕 you will come across arseholes in life male and females ones

I think it's a case of building up your resilience your cofindence levels on continuously levels

So when you come across arseholes like this you have got the confidence to stand up for yourself and not to let these kinds of comments get too

This is very sage advice. I'm tall (5'10") and have had people point it out to me and go on about it. I never understood why as it's not freakishly tall and I am fully aware of my height so I don't really understand the need to inform me about it as if I don't know. I think often we remember the insults we receive and easily forget the compliments - its confirmation bias.

You have to build up a very strong resilience and call it out every single time you hear it. Not only will that put them in their place but it will build your own confidence at the same time. I am never rude to people BUT, if they make a rude comment to me, I wont hesitate to comment back on their appearance. The majority of people arent supermodels so they have their own flaws of their own and I will happily point theirs out if they choose to be rude first. If you give out rudeness then you should expect to get it back I'm afraid. It's not difficult not to make rude personal comments so if you do it to me, then expect it back. It really does work and I think you need to start doing this- defend yourself as if someone insulted your best friend. Think of it like that. Whenever I have done this- they shut up remarkably quickly so it absolutely does work.

I'll give you an example- I was in a shop queue and some rough looking man behind me said "you're tall for a woman arent you?" I turned and looked him up and down (he was short and scruffy) and said "yes, and you're short for a man arent you?". Funnily enough, he shut up then. Strange how that works 😜people don't like it when it's directed back towards them!

I've been overweight most of my life and have had the worst comments imaginable. Now I've lost weight, all I get is "Gosh, what an improvement, you look so much better" and it's a really back handed compliment imo. Why not just say "god you used to look horrendous".

I think the MN mantra of "Did you mean to be so rude" may help us both, OP.

I agree with PP’s who say this response is usually from ppl who want to take you down a peg bc they feel you’re too big for your boots. There are a lot of them around sadly. They’d never say it to someone they found attractive who they also thought they’d have a chance with. Always ppl they think won’t do them harm if they cut them down to size (to give themselves an ego boost), or ppl who are out of their league, so they have nothing to lose and can vent their anger at presuming they’ll be viewed as not good enough by them etc. Sad.

I’m asking how to make the comments stop lol.

Keep it simple - "please don't make comments on my appearance, it's rude".
Then walk away if you can.

Two things:

• online dating is full of creeps including men who delight in making women feel bad about themselves. It not about you, it is about them and their 'issues'

• comments on your appearance at work are completely inappropriate. I would give a stern reply: 'I don't appreciate you making comments about my body, especially not in a professional setting.'' Then report to HR.

You have to call people out and show that you won't put up with this nonsense.

The problem with this type of comment is that they take you by surprise so completely often out of the blue that you are temporarily lost for words. I have in the past been on the receiving end of unsolicited comments from family members and their sheer rudeness has rendered me temporarily speechless so there was no clever or admonishing retort from me as I was so taken aback at the time.
I am no pushover, and I wonder at the mentality of those who make personal comments, thinking it is okay to do so.

You could say wow, that was really rude/hurtful. What made you think it was ok to say that to me?

And then you wait for an answer. Let them be uncomfortable!

When they inevitably say it was a joke you say oh, was it? Why was it funny? Maybe I just didn't get it.

And again, wait for an answer.

Oh, so the joke is that I'm ugly, that's the joke is it?

Really make them squirm. People don't expect they'll be asked to explain themselves because most people bend over and take it up the arse because they feel they shouldn't make a fuss or they'll be making things awkward if they say anything. Fuck that. Make it awkward!

I'm not a fan of the whole did you mean to be so rude thing because I think being more direct works better.

I once told a bloke who decided I needed the benefit of his wisdom "I don't care what you think about anything".
He was a bit surprised.

I feel like you're not at the point you feel able to fire shots back but if you get to that point then when someone comments about your weight you can tell them in your best sad voice that people keep coming to you to moan about what a twat they are and they always bring cake.

You are a 12-14? That is not plus size!

So sorry that people have been mean to you.

I think the old amused ''have YOU looked in a mirror lately?' come-back works perfectly for any comment on appearance and means you don't have to think on the spot

I actually love this. Say, "what did you say?" with a stare and ask them to repeat it. Then, I'd act faux confused and say "I don't understand- what exactly are you saying?"- then get them to repeat it again, then when they do say, "so what does this actually mean- can you explain?" and keep this up for as long as they keep answering.

Most people wont have the balls to actually spell it out as forcing them to repeat it over and over will make them cringe at their own rudeness. If they do have the balls to explain what they mean then I'd say "oooooh I see- it's meant to be an insult, I get it now!- ok, well if we're doing that then I think your haircut is awful, makes you look a complete frump and ages you 20 years". Then give a big smile. I guarantee they wont be doing that again.