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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

237 replies

Beepbeep18 · 13/03/2024 00:44

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

OP posts:
BookedHim · 16/03/2024 15:07

Sorry everyone is going through dealing with idiots.

Perhaps it's expectation management to a certain extent as well.

I used to feel isolated and like I was the only one receiving comments or odd behaviour (am I doing something to attract it? Is it me?).

I do think they're out there and everyone goes through them. Look up things like "holla back". Or the bullying reports coming out from ALL mainstream employers now.

There's a reason WFH is so popular and people are voting with their feet (weirdly, a lot of super posh people take their degrees with the Open university so they avoid FTF!).

As a matter of principle I'm confident doing things solo and being single suits me.

However, I acknowledge this does definitely come with a lot of vulnerability to aggressive and weird behaviour.

(And not having a partner means if I have a weird incident I can't go and tell them about it, so I then tend to get anxious and worry too much about it!)

My strategy at this life stage is to minimise going out (or do things which are tried and tested and which I feel are safe spaces).

I'm focussing on longer term goals and everything else is peripheral. Not a total hermit but taking social stuff very lightly.

I'm probably going to be able to WFH forever now (fingers crossed) but if I have to go into another physical workspace I'll aim to completely grey-rock my appearance and personality and not share any personal info.

Its been a bit lonely but MUCH better for my peace of mind

I'd also say there is a higher probability the more you're "out-out" as well.

After lockdown I got quite enthusiastic about "let's go and meet new people and dates".

Maybe it's an age/introvert thing but I found so many micro-aggressions, odd behaviour...I think as a lot more normal people are WFH and staying in now.

So the proportion of odd aggressive people on the street is higher.

And obviously they'll target solo women on whatever they can

Appearance is a cheap shot we all have to endure. Or I've noticed some weird men can deliberately "invade my space". Or deliberately giving awful customer service or something like that as a dick move.

It's all random aggression - appearance is totally irrelevant.

I also agree with the pp comments about confidence and jealousy.

I don't SEE myself as a high achiever (I'm single and not a brain surgeon on six figures) and have low self-esteem in many ways.

However, for some spiteful people just seeing a midrange woman being content and getting on with life is like a "red rag to a bull".

Especially if they're dealing with difficult partners or home lives. They're not happy in themselves so need to go dominate someone else to release the tension.

OP sounds mainstream, thoughtful, works, runs a few times a week, time to socialise, no drama person. She hasn't settled for a crap relationship just because she's single.

She's clearly not an aggressive type "fighting small battles" which in a long term is better for her wellbeing.

Even if she doesn't THINK she's confident, her life choices belie that.

For someone who is dealing with a lot of conflict, her life is probably pretty envy-inducing. So they need to knock her down.

I've definitely had those vile "unsolicited chats and advice" from controlling people who can't stand the fact someone is self-contained and content in themselves so feel the need to dominate.

I must say I've never mastered the snappy comeback, but I just avoid them like the plague then!

peakygold · 16/03/2024 15:46

OP, I believe you are getting this comments because you are using a wide range of filters on your SM photos. Why else would a friend tell you to "own" your size? You also mention "real life". If you are using filters on dating apps, I think you probably deserve the comments.

Beepbeep18 · 16/03/2024 20:18

I’ve already said I don’t use filters. The person who said the plus size thing was someone I’d met that night, never before, but we’d been getting on for the hours previously (as mentioned several times up the thread - yawn)

OP posts:
Jacesmum1977 · 16/03/2024 21:16

Beepbeep18 · 16/03/2024 20:18

I’ve already said I don’t use filters. The person who said the plus size thing was someone I’d met that night, never before, but we’d been getting on for the hours previously (as mentioned several times up the thread - yawn)

Honestly, try and ignore the haters and the judgement makers and just be happy within. We’re here for a good time not a long time. Love yourself. x

Beepbeep18 · 17/03/2024 09:13

Eg this morning - I know this is just a dating app but WHY

How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look
OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 17/03/2024 10:04

Beepbeep18 · 17/03/2024 09:13

Eg this morning - I know this is just a dating app but WHY

I had to look up a Zoidberg and it says "crustacean-like species of alien".
I'm baffled. What on earth about you would make someone you think you look like that and that many other people do, too.

Beepbeep18 · 17/03/2024 10:26

You tell me. Genuinely extremely normal looking - I wouldn’t lie about this to stroke my ego on the internet, i am not a great looker but also there’s nothing outlier about me. Really strange

OP posts:
Bluegray2 · 17/03/2024 10:49

That’s very nasty,

I don’t think anyone can really advise you any further on why you are getting these messages though as we have not seen you

How did you respond to this person,? Was the guy who wrote it good-looking?

Beepbeep18 · 17/03/2024 11:11

I said this feels like an insult and that’s a strange thing to do to a stranger. He was fine but also this is just the first message on hinge so can’t really tell if attractive or not, just a guy

OP posts:
ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/03/2024 11:19

Beepbeep18 · 17/03/2024 11:11

I said this feels like an insult and that’s a strange thing to do to a stranger. He was fine but also this is just the first message on hinge so can’t really tell if attractive or not, just a guy

There is no reason, he's obviously just a complete moron! Someone said on here that there are men that try and destroy a woman's confidence so she'll go out with them. They are sooooo stupid it's laughable!

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/03/2024 11:20

This is why I will never go on dating apps if I can avoid it, I would just end up yelling at people on there 😂

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 17/03/2024 11:22

Honestly PLEASE tell him OP, that he's an idiot! Else he's just going to carry on this kind of stupid behaviour.

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