How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

Let's not get drawn in to the skinny/ curvy debate here folks, the point is, regardless of shape, size, hair colours, nose profile etc unsolicited comments (and touching!!!) on someone's appearance are not ok, even positive ones delivered poorly and in many environments (work, strangers etc). OP I think you need to empower yourself if you can and gently challenge the next one that comes along in a way you feel comfortable with but also sets your boundaries which you are clearly articulating here, that you don't want this discussion ie I didn't want your opinion on my appearance thanks if I ever do I'll let you know, I wasn't looking to know what you thought of my figure not sure why you have said that just now, do you want to talk about your body?? Shall we talk about something else as I'm not seeking feedback or input on my appearance etc. you can't know or control what is promoting these comments but you can control your response.

Given that you're now making bizarre comments about my posts on other threads, I think you're just here to stir up trouble. Babe.

I’m not here for commentary on what I am / am not, I’m asking how to make the comments stop lol. No one should get unsolicited comments on how they look but trust me when I say there’s nothing that is an outlier about me that would explain the sheer amount I get away (not that it would ever be okay but explain it)

I think possibly a death stare might come in handy.

It's so unbelievably rude for people to make comments like this. I'm so sorry!

Jesus remind me never to post a thread later in the evening again - writing about unwanted commentary on women’s body’s, get unwanted commentary on women’s body’s.

to clarify irl I am not plus size. I find clothes in straight size sections with ease. I say this as I think this is a common definer of that and I said this to demonstrate why I wasn’t sure I was getting the comments. They also wouldn’t be okay if I was any other size.

i don’t work in events the comment was made by a friend of a friend and yes, I called it out immediately

THIS!

Literally act like you genuinely don’t understand and need clarity.
Oooh - it’s like a transfer of the discomfort, a treat!

All the best OP 🌷

Stare directory at them and say "Please repeat that." Don't break eye contact while they stutter and squirm. When they stop speaking, still maintain eye contact and silence. The silence speaks volumes and you maintain your dignity while they show themselves to be the shit humans they are.

For a start, try rehearsing a few smart comebacks followed by a sarcastic laugh in their face - so you are armed in future, and don't ever allow these cretins to get comfortable with insulting you. And, if you happen to be working in an industry where people are judged superficially, then this sort of bitchiness may actually be because people feel threatened by you. As you stated yourself, there ain't nothing wrong with you and you have style girrrl, so please keep reminding yourself every single time you are in front of a mirror and let these nasty sorts take a run and jump!
Also, bloody well done for immediately taking action with the 'date' who made derogatory remarks. Kicking him to the kerb showed him you are no walkover! What would have been worse is if you let him hang around...
You can't control the crap that comes out of people's mouths, but you can control if you allow it to affect you. DON'T!

You can't control what other people think or say, you can only control your own feelings and your reaction to it.

A simple disapproving response is best. Something like "don't make comments about my body please". Then they'll either apologise, or get defensive and try argue. If it's the latter you can walk away or find an appropriate way to respond.

There seems to not be an objective reason that you're attracting so many comments, so I assume people are picking up on your insecurity and prodding at your sore spot.

I'm objectively unfortunate, and I don't receive comments on my face. I wouldn't care if they did, which I assume is what protects me.

I do however receive comments on my skinniness (even when not underweight). I'm pretty sure all women without perfectly proportioned bodies receive harassment and criticism.

Size 12 is not plus sized anywhere in the world. It’s a healthy size.

Lets start with the facts.

Secondly - this is about being assertive. Calling people out. Not allowing anyone to disrespect you openly. It starts with you telling people they are rude and offensive. I would never stand for anyone calling me weird looking. So it doesn’t happen to me.

Stop talking and socialising with colleagues and people that are rude. Choose better bars. Find friends to spend your time with that value you. Why are you even dating a man that is so insulting? If someone had said that to me I would have replied I am wasting my time with an Andrew Tate type of man and walked out.

You are being far, far too passive. Find your voice. Stand up for yourself. You are allowing people to treat you badly. Be assertive! ‘Are you always this rude?’ Works wonders as a comment back and move away. No second chances. You are allowing yourself to be mistreated. Demand respect and good manners as a bare minimum.

Good God!
How on earth do you meet so many awful people? It is not normal to be spoken to in that way. Start sticking up for yourself.

”Did you mean to be so rude?”

”Are you always this judgemental?”

”Do you not know it is poor manners to comment on people’s appearances?”

”I am perfectly comfortable as I am, why do you have a problem?”

”Who do you think you are? I could lose weight if I wanted to but you will always be insufferably rude”

Don’t allow people to treat you this way and find yourself some decent friends.

And ‘fashion’ always leads back to making someone else rich.

Honestly? Stay away from certain SM accounts, magazines and TV. And filters.

i haven’t got a bloody clue what I’m supposed to look like/dress like other than looking youthful. But I’m in my late 40s so that isn’t going to happen again 😂

Tell them to stop being so bloody rude.

Some years ago I worked with a woman who came from a certain Northern English county that is legendary for breeding brusquely outspoken types.
She would make some pretty blunt comments about other people's appearance, to their face, stirring up some fairly heated emotions.
She ALWAYS tried to justify her offensiveness by saying "I come from (name of the county in question) and I speak my mind!"
Like, that made it OK?
I imagine you have had a run of freakish bad luck with acquaintances, not your fault at all. We occasionally come across these shitty types, unfortunately, it's all part of life.
Just remember - it's NOT you, it's them!

How is this a lie? The body positivity movement is real. And it’s bloody fantastic!

❤️👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I disagree. Women dress for women more. The male gaze has now been outed as a misogynist crock of shit & I think women are generally oppose to looking how men want. We follow fashion to either impress other women or just keep up to date with styles & feel better about ourselves.
The body positivity movement is definitely not about impressing men. It’s quite the opposite in some cases! It’s like a fuck you to the male gaze & I think that’s brilliant! About time.

OP if someone feels the need to spend their energy on commenting negatively on how you look says more about them than you! I feel sorry for them! God the world would be so dull if we all looked the same! Rise above these losers and keep being you x

IME the majority of women who get these comments, do so because of jealousy.

Not many women who are genuinely less attractive or overweight get nasty comments from the people they know around them.

I would love for you to post a photo because I’m guessing you’re a lot more attractive than you realise and these comments are simply coming from a place of jealousy.

I’ve known several beautiful women who would have subtle digs due to jealousy and it would make them so self conscious, that in the end they genuinely felt they were ugly or too overweight/underweight.

My comment back would be something MN like eg “did you mean to be so rude?” Or “wow how rude, I don’t care about your opinion on how I look as I’m not trying to impress you or anyone else”

How strange. I've honestly never encountered and negative comments about my appearance. Of course they are very rude. Not that it is an excuse for such awful comments but I wondered if you might be very vain or self-centred, so that a certain sort of person wants to bring you down rather than ignoring it?

Whatever the reason, you can't control other people can you. Have a response ready and cut those people out of your life.

I would give them a comment back. I used to be quiet but I could pack a punch if pushed. Years ago I used to work in a stationery shop with a young girl who was loud, pretty, and bully and cocky - she also had spots. She kept chipping away at me. I never said anything so she upped her game a bit, her unsolicited comments about my appearance became even more personal. My patience stretched I had enough one day - when she said something mean I grabbed a magic marker and said if she didn't stop I would play join the dots on her face. Instant deflation, she never really spoked to me after that. Sometimes you have got to fight fire with fire.

These days I am not so quiet. If anyone makes a personal and unwarranted comment to me I shut it down immediately.

I agree also that you are being commented on because they think the reverse, that you are attractive and they don't like it because it makes them feel inferior.

I am also someone who people generally feel comfortable with and I have on occasion been surprised/ borderline insulted by comments made to me, mainly by acquaintances and people that I've recently met.
In my case the comments are not about weight, but other physical features that I can do nothing about. It's quite bizarre and I don't like it, but I always call people out on it, though I didn't when younger due to lack of confidence.
I also agree with a poster who said that people have got much ruder post pandemic.

OP this is of course about them and not you. Motivations will be different depending on the person: misogyny, insecurities, jealousy etc. Go for one of the short withering responses suggested. You can never stop people making comments unfortunately. It’s so damn rude.