How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

Not on purpose to be hurtful, in my defence, well for the most part (maybe did at school with someone I really disliked, don't remember but expect I did). Sometimes a compliment that didn't work, sometimes thoughtlessness, most often I think a failed attempt at light-hearted teasing. Because I never thought much of my own looks it didn't really occur to me that others could be sensitive about theirs. Also, my dad was a terrible tease and very judgemental on others' looks and character, so I had to un-learn his example. It was a lesson painfully learned when I went out into the world of work that you can't just do that with someone who doesn't know you REALLY well! I cringe when I remember, but I have to forgive myself, as I would forgive a friend who truly repented of being an asshole. Still have to guard my tongue nowadays and I'm in my 60s. It doesn't come naturally. But I try. The problem this thread is about is that many people (nowadays?) don't seem to have any idea that they SHOULD even try to guard their tongues.

OP I'm so so sorry you've had this happen even once let alone multiple times. I have no idea what's wrong with people that they think they have the right to talk to people like that.

I would previously have called them out on it. Probably in a way that I'd regret later, and then spend weeks thinking of what I should have said instead. In the last year or two I've come to realise moments like this say far more about the person saying them rather than about me. Ultimately you cannot stop people saying whatever they want to say, it's outside your zone of influence, but you can work on how you feel about yourself and then ultimately how things like this make you feel. You can also say something like 'I don't want/have to listen to this.' and leave. I'm hoping the therapy helps you to be confident and empowered in who you are so comments like this have no bearing on your mood or self-esteem. It helped me a lot with a similar issue (only personality traits rather than physical ones).

(edited to fix a typo)

Thanks for the update, lol

I am size 12-14 (depending on brand etc). The last time someone told me I could do with 'losing a bit of weight, because then you'd be very pretty' I politely pointed out I had just completed Ironman. When they then persisted, I very (unpolitely) pointed out that they could barely walk up the stairs without getting out of breath and they should focus on their own health woes before coming at me.

People who are rude enough to comment on weight/appearance don't deserve any politeness. Eventually, they realise that you're not an easy target to tear down in an attempt to make themselves feel good and they go and bother someone else.

Things like this are increasing because people are seeing 'perfect bodies' on social media and think everyone should be like that. But they can't do it themselves (for whatever reason) and feel insecure and take it out on other people. It's really sad.

Thank you for answering! Yeah, I agree about light hearted teasing- I only do this with people I know very, very well and fully know what subjects to avoid as it could hit a sore spot for them. Interesting that your dad was like this too- just shows how important it is to model kindness and sensitivity to kids.

We've all done things we regret and none of us are perfect, but I agree that when you know that its hurting someone, you should absolutely stop and edit what you say.

Since when is a size 12-14 plus size! ☹️

Since vanity sizing became a thing perhaps?

Size 12-14 in some stores is pretty big…

I agree with your friend that it has nothing to do with the way you look but something about your profession or demeanour that makes dicks think they can say this to you.

My cousin is a model. She has a quite unusual androgynous look. She is very tall and very skinny with very short hair and an angular face. Her look is perfect for both runway and campaigns and she is very successful. But the number of times she has been called ugly when we’re on a night out, shouted horrible things by blokes when walking down the street. It’s just awful.

I have no advice on how to make it stop I’m afraid. I have a resting bitch face so have never been in your situation but you need to try and keep your head held high and remember it says more about them than it does you 💐

how rude are they.evan if you weighed 20 stone which you dont it would be no ones business, ignore have a snappy reply ready, please dont think its true, i wish i could get in a size 12 - 14 clothes,.i walk my dog in an old blue coat this little girl recently asked if i worked at tesco i asked why she said i always have that old blue coat on, very rude,i just replied im walking my dog its a regetta make, im not going to a party,

Are you alternative, by any chance?

I have found that, if you are, people seem to see that as a green light to make personal comments.

I'm a clothes size 14-16 and have not experienced anyone being this rude to me - I don't think it's a reflection of your size or what you look like there must be something making people feel comfortable enough to make these kids of comments to you, or you have been unlucky and met multiple people who say inappropriate things.

What I do when someone says something out of line, and I’m not feeling brave enough to flat out confront them, is to pretend I don’t understand. Keep repeating what they are saying but as a question. Keep saying “I don’t get it?”. Forces them to explain themselves and think about what they’ve said. Or you could just straight up tell them they’re rude/what a horrible thing to say to someone etc. I’m often not brave enough for that irl so thats why I do the first option.
It’s irrelevant what you look like, it’s never ok to put someone’s looks down. As someone who’s gone from a size 8 to a 16-18, I am all too aware of the difference in how people treat you when you’re on the larger side. From not being able to get served at the bar to people commenting on what I’m eating (normal food!) or telling me I need to walk more (I don’t drive, I walk bloody loads!) it’s horrible how shallow so many people are.

Tell them to shut the fuck up. That usually works.

Hate people who can't keep their nasty thoughts to themselves. I wouldn't dream of commenting on someone's looks! Especially not to them.

I think I'd look at them straight in eye and say why are you commenting on me, did I ask for your opinion.

I would adopt a Victor & Rolf approach and go out in a dress like this;

I would have to make my own of course but an oversized white tshirt and a sharpie should do the trick.

Bodybuilders aside, it depends on your height, if you're 5 foot 1 you're likely to be overweight at a size 14 (I'm a size 14 and medically obese - I should be a size 8-10 max).

If you're 5 foot 6 or 8 you're likely normal weight, if not a little under, at a size 14.

It's a reflection on how unhappy they are with themselves, it's nothing to do with you. They've shown you who they really are (shallow, pathetic), don't waste any more time on them.

Since when is a size 12 plus size? I thought 16 was plus size? I am 12-14 and don't consider myself plus size. But anyway. You seem to be surrounded by a bunch of disrespectful twats!

It's a shame that OP's partner, colleague and friend are all such miserable people. The random in the bar I'd just put down to being a twat, but friends, colleagues and partners really shouldn't treat each other in this way.

In China?

Yup interesting that OP has completely ignored me, when it was one of the first replies. @Beepbeep18 do you use filters and Facetune? I have a colleague who has gained a lot of weight over the past 5 years but uses an old filtered photo on Teams. It genuinely looks nothing like him.

Only on MN is a size 12 not considered slim.

That aside, what people are saying to you is completely unacceptable and you need to tell them so.

If someone insults me, I insult them back, there is always something you can say eg…people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Okay but whether or not you think a 12-14 is overweight, whether the wearer could do with losing weight, whether it’s vanity sizing and today’s 12-14 is yesterday’s 18 - by definition it’s not plus size. It’s a straight size available in most shops. As I said nothing wrong with being plus size but I don’t have that lived experience and wouldn’t claim to. It’s more the fact someone felt they could ascribe that to me apropos of nothing

Also it’s not all malicious. I’ve had people actively call me ugly which okay that’s bad, but I tend to just get a lot of also odd commentary. One being that I look like a lesbian or queer - again not an insult but what does a lesbian look like? Why are you commenting?

a lot on the size of my boobs too. Make it stop! I hate it, let me live.

also yes I am BMI wise slightly overweight. But I’m also type one diabetic and can only get to a “healthy” weight when my blood sugars are uncontrolled, a difficult reality for many. I also run 3 times a week

Sorry you had this experience. There is something seriously wrong with those people that makes them spit on you in this way.