How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

I never get comments like this! I think it's because I'm overweight, old AND unstylish! (And really can't be bothered). They wouldn't know where to start. OP, if your only flaw is a little extra weight, I would take that.

I had a woman at a hobby group I went to who was always telling me I looked like I had a cold. I decided one day I had had enough and when as usual she pitched in with her unwanted comment I just said, ‘Can you not comment on my personal appearance please because I really hate it and it is starting to make me not look forward to coming to this group.’
There was a bit of an atmosphere for the rest of the meeting but she hasn’t done it since and we are fine now.

Honestly just say it, clearly, no game playing: ‘please don’t make comments about my personal appearance, I don’t like it’ and if relevant add ‘it’s not appropriate in the workplace.’

Wow how do you know so many rude people? Not just rude but absolutely horrible and mean with no social awareness whatsoever? Your problem is not how you look. Your problem is that somehow you are surrounded by too many arseholes.

Please don't question your looks. Normal people would not say stuff like this even to quasimodo. And if I was a size 12-14 I'd consider myself skinny. The average size in the UK for women is apparently a 16 and I've seen stunning women who are clearly much larger than that. Not that it matters because as I said no matter what you looked like normal people don't make comments like that to anyone.

I don't know how you make it stop, these people sound unbelievably rude. I think I'd brush up on my cutting remarks back and start to be equally rude back. Maybe use the words 'fuck off, you rude cunt' more liberally in the future.

That is just awful! I really feel for you. Bonnie deserves those comments and shame on them for saying them!

Yeah people are dicks
I've been told I'm short (5 foot 3)
Pale (English rose )
Scary eyes (ice blue)
No one who said this to me was a stunner so they can fuck off

No one who said this to me was a stunner so they can fuck off

Yup- in my experience, its never really genuinely attractive people who say this, its often people who look rough AF themselves. Therefore, I wonder if it's some kind of jealousy/insecurity playing out by having to take you down a peg to make themselves feel better about themselves. Pathetic really.

People are assholes OP. I think you have to come up with a few one liners (loads of them on this thread) and then wheel them out.

My mother comments on appearance all the time. All three daughters have had eating disorders. She’s constantly rambling about strangers and their appearance. I’ve now figured out it comes from a massive place of inadequacy in her. Recently she did it to me in front of my 20 yr old niece. I immediately fell into trauma mode… my niece meanwhile said “ Gran, are you trying to fat shame Beardy? You’re a feminist right?! You know better than that”. My mother literally fell over herself and completely stopped in her tracks. I’m so proud sometimes of the generation of women coming after me.

so ya- it’s probably from a deeply unhappy place in these people… but that doesn’t make it ok.

Definitely. I had to laugh when a very large lady said I was too slim. Imagine if I commented on her weight.

I had this my entire child hood, I was called ugly and disgusting by my school peers since being about 5 years old..
I still remember once my school mate looked at me in the class and said: Jane why are so much ugly?
it was so hurtful,I never forget this.
It knocked my confidence so much that later when I was a teen a walked everywhere with my head down and I never looked at people, always had my head down, literally bending down.

Agree with practicing a comeback. Even an incredulous "you what?" should do it. Anything to make them realise that you won't be bullied into laughing along.

I am (and always have been) a size 8. I went through a period of time where people felt the need to comment on my appearance, weird things like I have a small head, bad hair, looked frumpy. Lasted about a year. I think they were sensing insecurity and lack of availability, and it made them think they could say these things to me. So I guess the solution is make them realise that actually, they can't say these things to you.

Also why are people obsessed with height??

I think quite the opposite of making them uncomfortable; I think I make people too comfortable in the conversation and they sort of end up talking to me without the airs and graces you’d normally put on.

i am also very confident when speaking to strangers, i speak on topics with authority and knowledge and I know I’m very sharp and quick. But that doesn’t account for the people who haven’t seen / spoken to me making these weird comments! I have a unique but not outlandish sense of style, have always had very short hair etc.

im 30 and the comments come from a range of ages (older women seem to have always been extremely proactively kind about the way I look which is another facet of strangeness)

Also just to add when things have been said to me recently I have pulled the person up various times because I’m sick of being nice about it, but just wondered if anyone else had experience of why it happens and how to stop it more generally from the off

I can’t stand people like this… It’s becoming more and more common. It could be because you being okay in their own skin is intimidating or discomforting to them and they want to bring you down to their own level. It could simply be that they are competitive fuckwits who are attempting to bring attention to your perceived faults because they feel that you are getting attention they feel entitled to (deliberate or not.) On the whole, because there are just so many more people bloody everywhere, we encounter more of these mannerless twonks.

OP, you sound confident, intelligent and have good self-esteem despite the way some people relate to you. I think you should call them up every single time this happens, but avoid being sarcastic in your response and go for deadpan literal. If you say: "I find your comment hurtful" - or similar short, clear sentence which leaves no room to interpretation- then people will be embarrassed. Watch them frantically backpedaling while you make no further comment 😉,

People comment on my looks a fair bit, not because they're remarkable in any way but because I work in a local government public facing role. Low level, but to the client I represent the Council, by extension all government and every rule they don't like, and all they can do about it is insult the agent of it who's in front of them at the time. And obviously, being A Woman Of A Certain Age, they assume comments about my appearance will get to me. I take it as a kind of inverse compliment, because I'm obviously getting to them, otherwise they wouldn't bother.

I amuse myself with various responses such as "have a nice day", "thank you for your input", "oh you don't find me attractive then? good", "you should have gone to SpecSavers", "you're no oil painting yourself, Sunshine" (make sure no senior colleagues are in earshot when using that one), and "what on earth makes you think I'm interested in your opinion?". I guess it's trickier if it's someone you have to work with on a regular basis, or worse, someone you (used to) think of as a friend. As for poking you in the stomach to see if it was really part of you - I'd want to poke them right back, but probably wouldn't. It's technically assault even if it doesn't hurt. It's also disgusting manners.

p.s. I used to comment on people's looks when I was younger, to my shame. As with many social graces I wasn't born with, eventually I learned better. My heartfelt apologies to anyone I hurt with unnecessary remarks. You'll be pleased to hear I'm getting it back tenfold these days!

p.s. I used to comment on people's looks when I was younger, to my shame. As with many social graces I wasn't born with, eventually I learned better. My heartfelt apologies to anyone I hurt with unnecessary remarks. You'll be pleased to hear I'm getting it back tenfold these days!

Very honest of you to admit that- can I ask, what was the reason you did it?- was it insecurity do you think?

I would also love to know how to stop these comments from the outset, but have absolutely no idea how to do that, unfortunately. Maybe it's about giving out a more distant vibe, I don't know, but I don't see why I should change how I am.

I would stare at them and say

“fortunately your opinion isn’t of the slightest importance to me “

My friend’s teenage son did that when his grandmother commented on his weight. ‘Are you trying to fat shame me?’ Brilliant.

I think certain types of people (arseholes) sense vulnerability.
I am not victim blaming here but it’s something I have sensed and observed in myself and friends.
This ‘predatory sense’ makes them feel confident in insulting/abusing you.
These people are not like us. They don’t expect to be called out for their bad behaviour and are not sorry.
Still call them out by saying something like ‘is it insecurity or jealousy that makes you so rude.’

Then walk off with a huge smile to let them know they haven’t bothered you.

Never stay as that gives them time to say more stupid stuff and your smiling departure will speak volumes.

They are bullies looking to pick on somebody. Stay away from them and drop any ‘friends’ who are disrespectful towards you.

The root cause will be jealousy because they know you are better than them.

Crikey OP, I wish I was a 12-14, I think you’re right to keep calling them out, I’d definitely, use some of the suggested comments above and develop a fabulous stare to go with it.

I wondered this too.

I'm pretty ugly but people don't comment. I've seen people who look 20 years younger on social media out and about and barely recognise them. So maybe that might make people comment 🤔 who knows.

Is anyone else reading this and thinking, WTF?

There's an occasional arsehole commenter out there, sure, but many posters are talking about this as if it happens a lot.

OP I'm really sorry you're experiencing this. I find if people get too comfortable they overshare, I haven't found they make comments about me.

I'm middle aged but I notice other posters have said it goes on a lot, one poster said it's more frequent now. Couple of recent threads have made me wonder WTAF is going on in terms of appearance, expectation, criticisms.

I suppose if it's happening you need to have comebacks but....I'm really sorry it's happening. If it's part of a wider thing then how has that come about?