How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

Society is becoming shallower, I think.

Yet another delightful side effect of the Insta years.

IMO, if you're prepared to comment on another person's attractiveness unprompted, you're a twunt AND, in my experience, you're more than likely a hardly delightful looking specimen yourself.

Mediocre looking men are the WORST for this. They somehow think, whilst riddled with Mid-ness, that they deserve a Kardashian on their arm.

Weird and 100% not your problem.

do you use filters and Facetune

Even if she did, thats not an excuse to be rude though is it? loads of people use filters- every insta post I see has very obviously been filtered. Strangers making rude comments wont have seen any filtered pics and family and friends/work colleagues already know what she looks like so it's hardly going to be a shock to them as they see her in real life all the time. With regards to the guy she was dating- he dated her for 6 weeks so he already saw her in real life and knew what she looked like. He would have walked out on their first date if he was so annoyed with the comparison between a filtered photo and her real life image.

Oh I get unsolicited insults quite regularly. I was wondering if I am unusually hideous.
I have now put it down to I am a people pleaser who wears my heart on my sleeve and I think the nasty types can just sense a target!
I treat it as insight into the type of person they are (insecure or looking for a punch bag) and can then adjust my interactions accordingly (usually just freeze them out).

Size 12 to 14 is not fat

"Wow, what a horrible thing to say to a stranger/friend"
"That wasn't nice to hear"
"Who taught you that's OK to say things like that to people?"

👏👏👏

Also "Is it my turn to pick out your faults, now?"

Also to try and put my point more saliently: I am friends with a group of six women, all around the same age, and some of these comments have been made in the environment where we are together.

in the group there’s people who are taller, shorter, bigger, smaller, different hair, faces, vibes - a very diverse range. None of them get the comments that I do.

what I’m asking is: have I managed to Swiss cheese my way through all these different perimeters and actually just the least attractive to everyone always or is something else about who I am provoking this? When I look in the mirror I do not see something terrible

@Beepbeep18

Maybe there's something to that whole 'putting people down to make yourself feel better' about your friendship group?

Could the rest of the group have the opinion that you'll take comments like that without comment or snap-back?

Big boobs? I think that's part of the problem. People seem to think it's open season to comment on your body if you have big boobs. I've had three random comments from men in the last week and was talking to my boss about it the other day. She was really surprised to hear 'that still happens' as it's not something that happens to her. We are a similar age, she's more attractive than me, but she's also a much more athletic build and I'm very hourglass.

I would assume jealousy is at play here op
Women trying to knock you down because they have bad self confidence themselves so try to make others feel the same
And men make comments because they fancy you ,and know you don't fancy them back ,so need to make you feel crap so they feel better
Don't even give it a second thought xx

to clarify: it’s not my friends making the comments. I mean I can be out with my group of diverse friends and I will get the stranger calling me ugly or someone I’ve just met that evening saying I’ve got weird hair etc etc etc sort of thing. But none of the others get it despite us all being very diverse - just me

No matter what you look like, it's very unusual to have people commenting on your appearance. Not that many of us come across so many rude acquaintances who feel free to voice their thoughts.

It's odd that others seem to want to bring you down. Is there any chance you've made comments that offended their appearance? Or do you present yourself as someone with an overly high opinion of themselves? Otherwise you just seem to be attracting nasty sorts who get a kick out of knocking others. Do you respond appropriately and freeze them out when they make these remarks?

I think it’s your confidence OP, the fact, as a PP put it, you’re confident in your own skin - a lot of women are not. However, they may use personal attacks as a way of hurting you as it would them, or they may be intimidated by the fact you are not afraid to speak your mind and are opinionated, as you said, and are probably more intelligent than they are - this would make perfect sense for a certain type of man who can’t stand women who have their own minds and can show them up - have to knock them back into their place - so pathetic.

Do you feel comfortable dominating conversations in groups and taking the lead? This too can rub ppl up the wrong way, especially if you’re a woman and not a tall, slim, conventional beauty 🙄

Lovely passive aggression and victim blaming there.

I’d never ever comment on someone’s appearance in a negative way. Also very conscious to comment about my weight, body size, how my arse looks etc because I know it can be triggering. I‘m a good conversationalist and can hold a group but not particularly dominating or braggy. I am very funny though and I’m being honest here because I want honest opinions and there’s no point not being

After reading all your posts (people asking are you a lesbian? etc) I'm starting to think your hair could be the big factor (not that it should be at all). A lot of people have an opinion on short hair with a lot of men preferring long hair on women. I personally think short hair is fab if you can get away with it (I definitely couldn't).

might be worth pointing out that 12-14 UK is different to 12-14 US. Not that it should matter, but can see how one might be viewed as plus size whilst the other is average.

Are you a very confident person? Sounds like they are trying to tear you down and put you in your place

There's never really an excuse to be rude, but if I went on an online date and the person had clearly catfished me I'd be really pissed off. If they were nice I'd maybe give it a chance, but then six weeks later when we had a fight maybe I'd bring it up. I find it baffling when people over-filter. I obviously don't know if that's the issue here or not, but OP has asked for potential suggestions for why this happens but still hasn't answered my question, so maybe it is the issue and she doesn't want to face it.

@5128gap

Totally right ✅️ 👌 about your emotionally insightful post..

12-14 is not plus size, it's lower than the average and at that weight you still look smaller than most (I'm out and about a lot) and certainly won't stand out.
No-one deserves comments at ANY weight but I'm really confused why you keep getting them, and about your looks too.
All I can think of is 1) something about you make them jealous 2) you know a lot of awful people. This is not normal.

but if I went on an online date and the person had clearly catfished me I'd be really pissed off

I'd be pissed off too but I wouldnt date them for 6 whole weeks and then be suddenly be annoyed about it!! If you choose to date someone you don't find attractive then that is entirely 100% on you. Noone is forcing you to date anyone you don't like.

Oh my god, I'm not defending it, but could it potentially cause someone to make harmful comments about someone's appearance? Yes.

Sympathies OP. I have no magic bullet, it sounds weird but I noticed in your latest update that you mention that you are funny (have a good sense of humour).

I do wonder if this is somehow the catalyst. That people think "she can take it" or sth like along these lines.

Other than this, are you in UK? Is it a cultural thing? Are you from a straight talking culture and everyone thinks you are abrupt so you can take what you dish out? I am saying this as I have a female Swedish friend who has experienced just this in the UK. People thought she was way more resilient that she was under this "faux cultural understanding" and she got quite upset tbh.

If someone doesn’t find you attractive after 6 weeks then it’s game over. Better they tell you now than after 6 years.

The other people it’s inexplicable! You can’t get them to not comment, the only thing you can do is control your reaction.

What a nasty and unfair interpretation. We are all trying to help the OP figure out why she in particular has been on the receiving end of unwelcome comments.