How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

I fucking HATE people like this!
I wish they'd keep their comments to themselves. Never would it occur to me to say something!

Who the f are these people? Good grief is it possible you have had a run of horrible luck that you have met all these f@ckers

people
need to F off

Some (insecure) men can’t stand confidence in women, and they believe personal comments are automatically a great way to ‘take you down a peg or two’. My first encounter with this kind of behaviour was my head teacher when I was about 13 and waiting in line for the school photo. I was brushing my hair. The head teacher strolled down the line, stopped when he got to me and said ‘doesn’t make any difference what you do. You’ll always be ugly.’ When I looked startled, he laughed and walked off. It was a truly awful abuse of power.

As to the ‘owning your size’ comments from other women, I find ‘oh do bugger off!’ works a treat. I also like the long stare over the top of my reading glasses. And ‘I’m sorry, I think I misunderstood you. Would you like to explain that in more detail? Er, no. Sorry. You still don’t make sense.’ Tinkly laugh optional.

I think your "friends" were possibly telling you to have more confidence in who you are and not let your alleged "size" take that away.

By modern standards you are tiny. Definitely not plus size!

My advice is get new friends and walk tall.

For any comments, I always treat people like they're Y10 (14-15) with replies such as "Well, that was rude" or just "Rude" with a raised eyebrow.

What area do you work in babe?
i had a terrible terrible sales role, full of men and full of misogyny and I had so so many comments on my appearance. I was size 8 (maybe a generous 6) but I had so many comments on how I look. Most were insulting, comments on needing to tone up, some predatory. I stopped wearing patterns, colours and any sort of tone that wasn’t black, navy or grey, just to avoid the comments. some fields are just rampant with it and unfortunately dating is too (what a surprise men the common denominator in both those scenarios)

ive also always had a lot of unsolicited comments about my appearance and weight my whole life, not so much recently but I don’t really put myself out there anymore.

ive not been bigger than a size 10 my adult life and I’ve still had people comment on my fatness. I know how painful it is, so hugs to you!

ive heard, when someone says sometbing really intentionally offensive but obtuse enough to hide behind ‘banter’ or plausible deniability or my fave ‘your health’ (in reference to the weight comments) the best thing to do is ask them to repeat and explain what they meant, and then watch them choke explaining they were actively trying to be a c*nt

Pardon? How long has size 12-14 been a plus size? I'm a happy size 18!
I'm sorry you're having to mix with these sad people. Telling them to fuck off may offend, my God, it would be worth it.

Where do you live? Some towns your style wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary but in many it would be. When you look ‘different‘, people often fixate on it/are mesmerised by it and just blurt shit out. They also just don’t see you as a human with feelings, just a novelty.

Agree with several of the most recent posters. Work up multiple versions of 'fuck off, I didn't ask for your comments'...

I favour a good, old-fashioned "I beg your pardon" as required. Followed by an innocent 'no sorry, I didn't quite catch what you said to start with' if they start backtracking & explaining. And ensuring they repeat it.

Therefore forcing the overly forthright individual to properly confront what on earth got in their head when they thought it was ok to say those words out loud in the first place.

Or if they have no such self-awareness, by all means follow up with "yes, I thought that's maybe what you'd said, but I couldn't quite imagine what would possess someone in their right mind to think it would be ok or appropriate to say that to me, but there we go. I suppose there's very little chance of undoing stupid or unkind, at least I stand a fighting chance of changing X" (whatever bloody rude person said about you in the first place).

It also sounds like you need to work harder on your resting-bitch-face so people don't feel in that comfort zone to open their gobs in the first place 😘

The true, lovely-as-you-are-you becomes a friend zone only entity!

Good luck

I’d call them out and tell them they’re being rude!

@Frances0911

I think those workplaces bullies can clearly see that you obviously good at your job role, and can't handle that fact in their minds that you are disabled person and female,

the audacity of that fact that you are capable 💯 in other ways intellectually and emotionally much more than they ever will be probably,
it makes them inferior to you being senior to them too,

Don't get back into the bullies stereotypical box of what they think a disabled person should be and shouldn't be like,
Just to placate these Arseholes in life in the workplaces,

Famous disabled trail blazing women in history are Mexican female Artists Fredha Khalo very unconventional and interesting her lifestyle ect,
There's also about a prominent first world or second world war female espionage spy fascinating and terrifying adventures,
Can't rember her name,
there was a book about her life story called A woman of no importance,
the title is a play on the fact that as a spy and kind of lifestyle ect she lead,

These are two that spring to mind,
i am sure there are others disabled women and people too that are prominent and not prominent too in our societies culture,

Forcus on looking at ways to build up your emotional resilience self esteem continously and look for ways to look after your wellbeing too,
such as i am involved with Athritis versus charity in which there is how to look after your wellbeing classes online in the comfort of your own home and elsewhere to attend sessions too,
such as chair yoga and chair Tai Chi shisbha ect,
depending on severity of your disability to participate in treating yourself to complentary therapy sessions such as Indian head massage, Reiki and other types of complentary therapies out there,

I wonder is there a mumsnet section specifically for disabled women or people on here at all?
addressing exploring all kinds of issues we have to contend with ect

Is there any Facebook or other online groups for disabled people or disabled women out there too?
I wonder 🤔

@Frances0911

Sorry typo omission,
i ment to say those arseholes workplace bullies feel inferior insecure to you being senior role to them ect..

These people are assholes I’m so sorry you have had such shitty people around you. What I would do and I do do, (I am the opposite extremely skinny no bum no boobs,and get called all sorts) home in their insecurities and pick at that in a joking manner (after they insult you) and see how they like it close to the bone. Cu*ts! You need to stick up for you, and say no that is not ok what would make you think was ok to say that. You don’t deserve it so don’t accept it xx

Some people are arseholes and unfortunately don’t have a problem broadcasting that, you can not control this. The only thing you can do is to shut it down/ walk away when you experience shitty behaviour.

Their behaviour says more about them than it will ever say about you. Practice the art of not giving a fuck, it’s a pretty effective arsehole repellent.

@Beepbeep18

Practice saying in as many variations on theme to fuck off,
to any male or female Arseholes who dare to even say anything as deeply offensive and as personal about you as your looks 😤 ect,

Also Tell them they don't look like oil paintings either,
or
their personality is ugly type of thing

Plus size is not a size 12!
Plus sized is 16+ so get over yourself, unless your 4ft nothing perhaps.
of you think you look great then don’t be so self absorbed as to what others think.
What they think is none of your business!
Concentrate on self, not what others think. Fuck em

Are you in the US because 12-14 in the UK is not plus size, unless your really short

OP you need to come hang out with my friends! We are all shapes and sizes. Nothing but love and respect. We are all who we are with no judgement.

Honestly I don’t know if it’s because I’ve just become immune to it over the years, but I’m out here living life to the fullest in my size 20/22 body and loving it. I don’t remember the last negative comment I heard about the way I look and certainly don’t struggle when it comes to attracting men that appreciate a curvy body.

I think if you love the way you look and feel about it, any negative comments will just fly over your head.

Comments about appearance seem to be the go to approach for people who want to make women feel worse about themselves. I would suspect that you are good at your job and come across as generally confident, and some people just don't like that and want to take you down a peg or two.

I really sympathise with you because I’ve had something similar happen to me where I used to work. I had my hair in a very common’bob’ style about shoulder length. It was always clean and shiny and I used straighteners to stop it from looking frizzy. People used to offer ‘suggestions’ of how I could change it (not that I wanted to or asked their opinions). As for my clothes, I used to wear smart black or navy trousers with either a top or jumper depending on the weather, which was no different to lots of other ladies that worked there, but one lady said to me ‘have you never thought of reinventing yourself with a different hairstyle and wardrobe?’ A man said to me during a training course ‘you’d look really nice if you wore something different !! And the worst of all was when another woman who dressed like Mortisha from the Adam’s Family said ‘you’d look really nice if you wore more fashionable clothes, and would you like me to bring in some of my old clothes for you’!! So, yes I have full empathy for you, but I’ve no idea why they do it unless it’s to try and make themselves feel better in some way?

fellow ladies who’ve suffered from a life time of negging/ unsolicited ‘advice’ about our appearance, do you think we have something in common, perhaps being an easy target, not in appearance but my confidence, attitude and demeanour? Choosing similar sorts of men when we are dating etc?

do you think it’s a vibe we are giving off?

I’m in the UK yes, that’s why I’m surprised at the plus size comment. I’m 5’4 so yes my appearance is probably a bit too heavy but equally I’m very active so

I think it may be because you come across as overly confident and happy so people want to bring you down and your looks seem to be an easy way of doing that

If you say you are very funny and you have quite an extreme haircut people see that as being very confident but on the other hand they are probably thinking how could you be that confident if you are overweight and (as you say yourself) quite plain so they test your confidence / happiness by saying something mean
A lot of people can’t believe that overweight / plain looking people could possibly be happy.

That we are dickhead magnets ?

I don’t know, maybe, but like maybe we seem a bit shy and retiring and an easy target for a cunt?

Peoples are shits. I tend to have ‘odd’ folk/strangers gravitate towards me & tell me their woes or extra personal/perculier type things. Regardless of types of people or your profession or how relaxed (sure there’s a more appropriate word) they are around you, doesn’t give them any right to be so mean & unkind & utterly thoughtless
my response would be to pause & then repeat whatever they’re said, back to them with an puzzled/incredulous look, & just get up & leave, no other words. Remove yourself from their orbit & take care of you. Therapy is wonderful idea x