These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

I wouldn’t be happy. But why do you think he can’t be honest with you?

I don’t know, I’ve never made a fuss about the finances. I don’t try and curb his spending if we have the money. But we don’t have spare money.

I would question why he felt he couldn't be honest with you. What would be your reaction to him starting his business or buying the bike? Because you seem very focused on how much it will cost you that you can't afford. Maybe he is scared to tell you because you will instantly be very negative and dismissing of what he wants because you don't want him spending that.
Unless you are in huge debt, when obviously frivolously spending this money would be an issue, why can't he spend the money he has earned on things he would like?

He’s not just saying it to his mates to be the big man is he? If not then no, it’s not good, and you can’t trust him.

We do have debts. If he’d have told me about the business, I wouldn’t have stopped it. It just seems weird to get started on it without mentioning any of it to me.

As for the bike, I would have said it needs putting off until we can afford it and he can use his existing bike in the meantime.

I couldn't be with someone who was dishonest about finances.

I'd ask him about it and make it clear that if he lies then he can leave.

We don’t have split finances. The money we earn pays the bills. There isn’t really much left over. Just enough for a lunch out, school trips, youth club etc.

I don’t know about the business, but he wants an e-bike because his friends now have them.

If money is tight but he is spending as though it isn't please do a credit check on yourself, and is the house owned as he might have remortgaged it. Check everything.

But really it is time for a proper talk regarding finances. You could pretend it's about cutting back subscriptions etc due to CoL crisis and he might mention the business. Otherwise start getting the paperwork together for when your relationship goes boom due to debt and the lies. It really is awful being in a marriage where only one person has all the financial control.

Are you sure you know how much money he has? Does he have a secret account or something?

I'll be honest here - I was the partner who lied about how much things cost and hid them from my then dh. Because he was always so negative about things and it always felt like he belittled me when it came to money. Every time I bought something it was "how much did it cost?", then always the "you're not good with money", "how are you going to afford that?" Etc etc. it just made life easier for me to just lie so I didn't have to listen to the constant judgement.
Even now, we have separated and he still belittles me. I've just placed a deposit on a very expensive item - which I am buying in cash and I already have saved up the money, and it's still "are you going to be ok paying for it?" "It's a lot of money to save, are you sure you can afford it" etc. I'm a fucking 40yr old grown up, with a professional job and good salary yet his judgement always made me feel like I'm 19 again.
Maybe, your dh is feeling that too.

Like @ducksinarow123 , I'm the one minimising how much I've spent to avoid the inevitable lengthy conversation about whether we can afford it. I always pay outright for things. If I want things, I save for them. I don't even have a credit card. I'm always transparent about how much money is in my account, but if I buy something new, DH will always want to discuss how much it cost and whether I can afford it. It wears you down after a while.

I don’t think I am, but I’ll ask him when we talk. It does feel like he’s like that with me. He questions how much I’ve spent when I buy an item of clothing, knowing full well I’ve only been to a charity shop.

With the bike stuff I feel that he has a right as someone working full time on a good wage to spend some of the money on himself and something he enjoys (which is something wholesome). I would ask yourself is he lying because he doesn't want to upset you? Is that because you overreact? Make him feel bad? Or because he's a liar by nature?

With the new business thing this one I absolutely something you need to be in the know about especially with small children and family life. Managing both finances and as you say time away from home. I wonder why he wants to change. Is it a complete career change?

Opening up a new business without telling you is ludicrous. I would focus on asking him why he hasn't told you and really listen to what he says carefully.

How is his character? Is he simply introverted or self sufficient and didn't feel the need to talk about it. Very strange to get so far into opening up a new business without mentioning it to his wife who it will impact daily.

Friend had this with a partner, motorbikes are bloody expensive. He would lie about costs, never spend money on the house.

You aren’t overreacting at all, he’s lying to you. Please ensure you gather evidence, protect yourself financially and work. My friend was fleeced as partner was self employed in a well paid trade, but made next to nothing. Paid very little maintenance when he finished with her. Yes she had a baby with him despite knowing he lied about finances. Watch your back.

But I think the difference there is that you pay for things outright or save up for it. My DH buys bike things despite telling me things are tight that month.
I really don’t think I’m being a nag about money. I don’t really keep tabs on our joint account because I’ve always trusted him until recently.

I would use your phone to take pictures of the messages etc on his phone before you confront him.

@Yahyahyahyoyo so he's saying money is tight meaning you and your kids forego staple items like better food or better experiences just so he can spend thousands on a bike for himself, that's incredibly selfish and I would hit the roof.

The lying is one thing, the absolute self indulgence is criminal if he's not allowing the same frivolous enjoyment for your child and you

OP you're a family and big purchases like this should be discussed. You shouldn't be counting pennies while he buys expensive bikes and plans an expensive career change.
@Confusedmeanderings @ducksinarow123 your OH's would definitely be right to erm 'nag' if you were splurging while your family went without. It looks like they were questioning spends with your own money, budgeted for which is miserly and demeaning. But that isn't the OP's situation!

@Yahyahyahyoyo you possibly dont nag at all but I know mumsnet will be very LTB, I could never be with someone who lies about money, all trust is gone, blah blah blah, and I just wanted to give the alternative view from the person who is also a little bit dishonest (because quite frankly- all those posters make me feel like an utterly crap and worthless human being)

I’m kind of putting off confronting him because I really don’t want to go down the road of divorce. I’m not in a good position with my career.

Phone snooping is a relationship ender.

FWIW I don't think people need to be completely transparent. They just need to be fair to each other and meet their financial obligations. You have nothing to feel guilty about especially with your ex's controlling questions.

MN is obsessed with the 'one pot' method. Even here, the OP has a joint account and seems to think it's the only one, although it's debatable whether he really pays his entire salary into it.

DH and I know each other's salaries. We put an agreed proportion into the joint that covers joint spending + savings. The rest, in our personal accounts.
Now whether I buy Gucci or he buys a motorbike with the rest, neither of us really cares. When we have kids and one of us goes PT the higher earner will put more in the joint, from which the PT parent will take their agreed 'personal spend' amount. Both completely theirs to do with as they wish. Of course if money is really tight THEN everything has to go into the joint.

@potaytopotahto33 but no where in the OPs post does she say the family is going without? In fact it says he is selling his current bike to fund the new one, maybe he is selling other stuff of his on Vinted to be able to purchase it? Hardly crime of the century, selling your old bits to buy something new

You are in debt, he already has an expensive fancy bike (which he lied about), and now he wants to blow thousands on yet another bike?

How much do you get to spend on your hobbies...

And potentially leaving a steady job to start a business - at a time when his family's finances are somewhat precarious? Most businesses don't make a profit or fail...

To me this is veering g towards LTB territory.