These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

Yes. She gets questioned for buying clothes she needs from the charity shop and he turns up with a new bike accessories so she says “hold on, I thought we couldn’t afford new stuff” and he lies to her and says “I’ve had it for years” when it’s obviously brand new and she’s never seen it before. Or “it was a bargain at £60.” Then she finds out it was actually £300. So yes, she’s asked a few questions, but not many given he’s told her they can’t afford much and she cuts her cloth to that assertion.

😁

@Yahyahyahyoyo Could his spending, like he is a single person with no responsibilities, be the reason you have no money 😬

In the real world, within the jurisdiction of the UK, which law do you think the OP has broken?

I was thinking about this. Although it’s ‘his’ and ‘her’ phone, I wondered whether they were ‘family phones’, or shared phones as they each freely used each others phones.

Its hardly the same as phone hacking.

if OP was suggesting planning her own business we'd all be applauding.

Not if she was doing it behind her partners’ back we wouldn’t.

The Computer Misuse Act 1990. It specifically falls under the definition of stalking. Accessing a device without the consent of the owner is illegal. But OP hasn’t done anything wrong - she had consent to access his device, and consent to access the device is what matters, regardless of what she was, or wasn’t looking at.

I really can’t say it any clearer! At no point has the OP said that they both have each other’s permission to read each other’s private and personal texts and messages. Accessing someone’s phone or computer to mutually look at photos calendars etc is a different thing. My OH and I have mutual use of my laptop but I haven’t given him specific permission to go into and read my email, which he wouldn’t do as it’s nothing to do with him, I have nothing to hide it’s just it’s my email account and he has his which I also wouldn’t look at. It’s different than him having access and use of the device. What part of that is unclear? If the OP comes back and updates that her OH has given her full permission to READ ALL HIS TEXT MESSAGES I will totally agree that that’s fair enough, but so far she hasn’t!!

The law does not require for you to be given specific permission. It requires for you to not have permission and to know that you do not have permission. OP is quite clear that she has permission, that what she is doing is fine. So she is not breaking that law.

You’re being ridiculous. She doesn’t have to. There is tacit agreement between them that they have permission to access each others’ phones. OP had his consent to access the device and that’s all that matters as far as the law is concerned. The law requires you to not have permission to access Oier for it to be an offence.

My ex-H used to buy very expensive designer clothes, then put them in the laundry basket so he could say "oh, that old thing....I've had it ages". We shared a bank account so I have no idea how he thought could gaslight me. But they do try, bless them.

I'm not surprised OP has not returned to this thread as of yet. All this bollocks about law breaking / snooping etc. Some people really need to get a life!!
OP, I really hope you get to the bottom of this, and the outcome is more positive than some of the replies on this thread.

I know, lunacy isn't it? Op sending a hug in solidarity.

Boy did I miss a trick. Let me correct this- there would be 100 posts saying you shouldn’t have looked in his phone, you’ve broken the LAW AND SHOULD BE IN JAIL. maybe some of these posters should start a go fund me so the poor man can just buy the £2000 bike he really really needs to feel his true self. In the meantime he will continue lying to his wife, spending all the money, telling her there isn’t any spare, having a go at her for buying a top from the charity shop, but at least you can tell yourself you’ve made the world a better place for one lying controlling wanker. Goalz.

Funnily enough I was out with a large group last night for a friend’s birthday and one of the party (who I didn’t know before) is a lawyer and I asked him about this. He cited case law (can’t remember it as I’d had a few rums) but he said there was categorically a difference between accessing a device and accessing personal records such as emails, texts and social media 🤷🏻‍♀️

Which doesn’t make any difference since OP believes she has permission to access these records and the law requires that she knows she doesn’t for it to be an offence.

Doesn’t make any difference. He gave consent and if OP believed she had full access that’s all that matters.

😂 yeah that’s what the law says!

Well, yes. It’s online. In detail and right there if you google it.

Operator: what service please?
Ops lying husband : police please. I've been lying to my wife and she's found out by looking in my phone. Which, incidentally I gave her permission to do but now the shit has hit the fan.
Operator: sending a patrol right away . Not!!.
Stop with the fuckin law breaking bollocks and let's support the OP.

Er - are you the thread police ? We are supporting OP. That last poster has done their best to derail the thread with the ‘fuckin law breaking bollocks’ insisting OP is illegally accessing his phone and that somehow that trumps the deceitful shit she’s found on it. She’s not, and it doesn’t.

Yes it says “ if the OP belivees she could snoop that’s OK!” 🙄
You all carry on nosing st your partners phone and justifying it! Im bored of trying to explain it to people that clearly aren’t capable

Can't believe all the bollocks about illegal phone snooping ... yes...as if the partner is going to go and involve a costly lawyer to say she illegally found out he's lying when she'll be able to take him for all he has anyway when she gets divorce lawyers involved 😂people never think how costly this is and that it won't achieve anything in a case like this. Only on mumsnet is it OK in the view of a small minority to lie and cheat but think u have the law on your side ... 😂

Perfectly capable thanks. You’re not explaining anything, you’re arguing the toss and insulting anyone who disagrees with you. It’s the Misuse of Computers Act 1990. Google it, it’s all there in black and white. You’re derailing now, so not engaging any more.

You’re right, but l think the main reason this particular argument has persisted here is the mindset of posters who think the fact that OP went through his phone trumps the deception she found as a result. They each have tacit agreement to accessing each others’ devices. That’s all that matters, regardless of the content they’re viewing. A message popped up that made her suspicious so she dug a bit further and found some alarming evidence that potentially affects their whole family, not to mention OP’s own potential financial liability for his business dealings because of their established financial link.

it’s also hypocritical when you think of the number of threads advocating going through a partners’ phone to ‘get your ducks in a row’ when there is a suspicion of cheating.