These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

Op I think you need to work ft.

Either you're dh is awful with finances, or he's looking at a new job because he wants to make more money because your family can't afford you to work pt.

If he's being financially reckless you need to make more money.

This thread is absolutely batshit. The OP has found out that her husband is jacking his job in to start a business that needs financial support to get started yet hasn’t discussed it in the slightest even though he’s gone way down the line in regards to setting it up. He’s also planning on spending more money they don’t have on frivolous purchases, which when you’re starting a business & don’t know how you’re going to pay the mortgage spending on an e-bike isn’t the brightest idea. Yet instead of having an issue with all that they are instead focusing on her ‘snooping’ on his unlocked phone with permission & her ‘nagging’ him over his finances which are actually the family’s finances. No way did I think this was going to the way the thread went…

OP I don’t know how you’re not ahitting yourself over how the bills are going to get paid, he should have been upfront with you about wanting to set up a business so financial & business planning could have been the first step, not doing it all behind your back

You are both duplicitous sneaky and untrustworthy . You didn't just accidentally look at one thing on his phone, you have actively gone into emails, conversations, looking for adverts etc. You cannot claim the moral highground here. Maybe he doesn't tell you things because you give him no privacy and search through his phone. You reap what you sow.

No I think I can actually, because he knew I was looking at his phone and his lies popped up.

Ignore Zwellers op, they're talking shite.

It’s a big issue for you because you clearly don’t allow that in your relationship. We do, so I’m not in the wrong at all. I haven’t done anything wrong, gone behind his back or lied. I literally continued to do what we have both agreed is acceptable.

This x 100.

Not to mention his comments on ops frugal spending.

While he's been lying about his not remotely frugal spending.

He's a sly, double standarded, dishonest, low integrity, selfish, irresponsible individual.

I’ll repeat it again for those not using their reading comprehension skills. Looking at your partners phone may be an issue in your marriages. IT IS NOT AND NEVER HAS BEEN AN ISSUE IN MINE. DH has no issue with me looking at his phone and I have no issue with him looking at mine. He can snoop away to his hearts content. It’s called trust, something that seems to be lacking in a lot of people’s relationships here. The issue is not with the phone, I think some people are just deliberately argumentative. The issue is a husband not informing his wife that he intends to quit his job and use our money to set up a business and spend large amounts of money we don’t have on things he doesn’t need.

Again, there is no issue here with us looking at each other’s phones. We have both given verbal agreement. Do I need to get this written in blood for you to believe this??

Do you have a joint account or pay from your own accounts? He's telling you money is tight, he's either lying about this and has money saved up in a seperate account for things like e-bikes and the new business or he's running up debt. Either way none of it's good.

My dh and I use each other's phones all the time. We've been married three decades and it wouldn't occur to either of us to keep secrets from each other. We will be exclusive life partners until the end, so why on earth would we NOT have access to each other's phones?

OP, it's a good thing you looked, because he was hiding some really important secrets from you.

If you have joint finances he should be discussing big purchases out of courtesy, especially if money is tight. Do you not check your bank statements and notice this money for the bikes / accessories going out?

I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say

Why on earth would you do that? For all you know this is just chat between friends to make him sound more interesting or ambitions. It may well be a pipe dream that comes to nothing. You’ll ruin the trust in your marriage if you admit to snooping through his private messages without permission.

This is financial abuse.

The secrets you discovered are a huge deal.

Don't make the mistake of believing it's something about you that is keeping him from confiding plans to you.

Some people love lying. They love hiding plans and activities and how much they spend. They do it regardless of how open and loving and forgiving their partner is. It's habitual, and they lie in matters large and small, even when telling the truth wouldn't come back and hurt them, and the lie would expose them to the risk of losing trust.

You need to get a credit check on yourself, and you need to find out everything you can about the family finances. How many credit cards does your H have? Has your home been used as collateral for loans? Has a second mortgage been taken out?

Well said.

Couldn’t agree more, going behind her back on all this is revolting imagine his reaction if @Yahyahyahyoyo was doing all this, when he even questions a charity shop purchase.
I would be beyond livid. My ex dh bought a motorbike behind my back, when I couldn’t afford driving lessons. It was the beginning of the end.

You looked for a reason, found a lie.
All these sanctimonious posts giving you a hard time, know full well that they, given you share phones, would start looking further.

Personally, I think it is major, that he has set up a new business, that other people know about , & you dont

Sorry, something is a wry here

The secrets you have discovered are a big deal - they put you and your children’s stability at risk and you have every right to question these things. Look through your banks accounts first and see whats going on there - then start a conversation!

We have the same phone rules as you do OP - my phone is open access to my DH and visa versa.

Divorce?! Christ, he's only buying an e-bike, calm down. 😂

Perhaps your DH sees you as OTT and a fun sponge, have you thought of that?

If the bills are paid, then fine. Enjoy life, you're a long-time dead.

Yes it probably is if you are being fundamentally dishonest.

I would have a serious issue with the new business, yes, because the impact on you and the children could be huge - potentially life changing if it goes wrong and you lose your house etc.

I’m with you op. When my DH was alive we always looked at each others phones. Although we had passwords for security reasons we both knew each other’s. To me this is perfectly normal. I think not having access to each other’s phones is not normal.

You do, if you haven’t noticed they’re missing..

Yanbu of course, but the money was obviously there and it’s thousand’s and thousand’s.

I'd probably let the e-bike thing go in the circumstances, your focus should be the potentially life changing decision of him setting up a business. A change of career is a big deal especially going from being employed to self employed. You really need to have a proper discussion with him on that.
My DH and I are also very casual about looking at each other's phone and have each other's passcode but I'm sure my DD would cut ties with me if I dare go near her phone... Different attitudes, each to their own, no right or wrong with either, I feel.

I would run a credit check before speaking to dh, just so you’ve got the full picture.

You've had some proper nasty replies on here (I guess that's MN after dark).

Why didn't he tell you? Because he knew you'd have questions, and that he wouldn't have any sensible answers! I can't believe how many people seem to think you should meekly accept whatever he financial decisions he makes just because he earns more.