These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

Without going into what it is, his regular job can only be done in business hours, so to do both, he’d have to do the other overnight.

Because it's FAMILY money, not HIS money.

its an issue spending family money, its a bigger issue spending money you don't have! It's an even bigger issue hiving up employment to start a business, you just don't do that without discussing it with your wife.

hes not a young, single man without responsibilities.

My ex husband lied a lot financially, then lied about so much more once he realised he was good at it. I wished I snooped more, so don't blame you once you got a gut feeling.

Setting up a business is a big thing, the fact he has a fb page yet hasn't told you, all very odd.

There's one of two things going on here. Either he's lying about income or he's getting you sky high into debt. Either way he's being secretive and selfish, especially if your way of life is being affected by thinking there's not much money.

Thanks for all the advice. I’m going to go with the suggestion of opening up a general discussion about finances and see if he discloses anything. But first I’m going to get on top of looking into our joint account. I don’t think he’d want to lose ‘us’ as well, so maybe we need to jointly do a bit of work on this marriage. I’m just disappointed about the lies.

Just to stop anyone projecting worrying, I just told him I looked through his phone to view his calendar while he went to the loo and he couldn’t have been less bothered.
… and now he’s looking through my photos of DDs assembly. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s worrying 😮

MN hates phone snoopers 🙄. But I think good for you, OP. He obviously feels the need to lie. Perhaps you can have a sensible conversation about why that is. Maybe he is ashamed, in denial, or lying about how much disposable income he has. Is he only getting a new bike to keep up appearances with friends, for instance. It is very strange he felt the need to hide a new business venture. It is not unreasonable to feel hurt and deceived. Who cares how you found out.

Well if he's spending money you haven't got then that's a big problem. The fact that he's planning to start his own business and hasn't discussed any of it with you is a huge problem. Honesty and communication are important in any relationship and he is not bringing either to the table. I think you need to sit him down and ask him what's going on.

This^^
If you don’t have split finances and money is tight, how is he buying a £300 accessory and telling you it’s £60, or a £2400 bike, without you noticing?

To be honest the phone snooping is a big issue for me and so many people are just glossing over it. My wife regularly reads my WhatsApp, I have nothing to hide and she doesn’t even know that I know she does…well, not since she promised not to do it again but has carried on. It’s a big issue and is a fundamental reason why I’m questionning a lot of things at the moment. You’re in the wrong as well.

Bottom line is he lies to you regularly over important things. That would be it for me- I would never trust him.

Because he hasn't been honest with you.

If it were me I would monitor what he does covertly and when he chooses to tell you, I would also get him to do 50% of the childcare while you put effort into getting yourself up to speed with your profession.

Your money is yours together, whether it's his larger wage or your smaller one

But your wife's motive is to deliberately look through your messages.
Op wasn't looking for anything other than normal domestic stuff that she and her DH both expect and are happy with.
If she then sees something concerning that's a different scenario to follow that information to see if she needs to worry/talk to him.

Your wife's habits and this scenario are not the same thing.

You choose charity shop clothes (legitimately and know it will save your household money) but he wants an ebike because all his mates have one...

I could have read this exact post written by my friend. Tbh I'm curious as to whether it is my friend writing it its that accurate, down to pretty much all of the details! In my friends case, her DH lies to her about everything financial because he knows she will moan at him fot anything he spends, even though he's the main earner and he earns a lot! So he just lies about it all for an easy life.

Your friend’s DH earns a lot, spends what he likes while hiding it from her and tells your friend they are tight for money? I hope you’re helping her leave him.

How is that my business whether she leaves him or not? She finds bits and bobs out like OP has, up to her what she wants to do it's absolutely not my business to talk her into leaving him. She regularly declares her love for him on FB for everyone to see even though this shit is going on behind closed doors. Nothing to do with me.

@LoobieIoo You seem to be describing an abusive relationship, so if she’s a friend, I do think there’s an obligation to support her in leaving him. Though agree talking her into it is not a good idea.

He questions how much I’ve spent when I buy an item of clothing, knowing full well I’ve only been to a charity shop

He's a selfish, dishonest hypocrite.

Oh and 93% ianbu is very resounding for MN.

There seems to be a huge financial imbalance — he spends £2k+ on a bike but questions you buying something from a charity shop? Not good.
Then the money to set up a business must have come from somewhere. Bank loan? house remortgage? Might he have borrowed a bigger lump sum to cover business set up and bike purchase?

The OP has explained that using each others phones is normal so to the people thinking that’s a dealbreaker you live in a different environment than others. I do not go on my partners phone and never plan to, but as for my phone I rarely use it but the pin is known by us both my partner can use it anytime he wants. As I’m open and transparent and have nothing whatsoever to hide.

Sorry to say this OP but it sounds as if it’s one of two things either your DH has more money than you know about and is quite happy to spend that on himself or he has a lot of debt you do not know about. I presume he is earning more than you know about and then putting a set amount in the joint account and keeping the rest for himself. Does he have the potential to earn overtime or commission?

And yes to everyone else if you earn money you are allowed to have some for yourself, in my case we have separate accounts, but that should be after all the bills are paid, family are fed, clothes and shoes bought etc. OP is worried about money and feeding her kids, so life is a struggle. So to read that DH has expensive bike things and does not disclose the cost of them whilst OP has to buy clothes from a charity shop is not OK. How could it be?

As for the business that’s even more of a worry especially if funds have already been spent. Also more worrying is that means you will be left covering the childcare and responsibilities at home alone, that’s not fair if it’s not been discussed.That but would be the biggest problem for me. When I went self employed it was discussed, my partner knew before anyone else, and the money to do that was saved for in advance.

Hope you are ok OP.

That’s a different situation though. And yes I would agree with you in that case that’s completely unacceptable. Unless you have ever broken your wife’s trust? If not I’d not be able to live like that as you don’t promise someone something and then do it again.

But the OP set up is different as their phones are open for anyone to use, that’s how I am with mine. I’m starting to realise from MN that I’m probably in the minority with that though.

Btw OP regardless of being autistic, I also am, you are definitely not over reacting. I have trust issues so I’d not cope at all well with finding all of that out.

He knows you're unlikely to leave and that means he can take the piss a fair bit since you have no leverage.
Maybe not what you signed up for but I find people tend to do whatever they feel they can get away with.