These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

We look at each others phones a lot but there’s a difference between that and snooping into each others messages etc. Go and look at what you’re looking for and come out, don’t go and read a load of private messages. What if other people have shared stuff they don’t want you to know? That is pretty out of order even if you do look at stuff on each others phones.

Re the ‘secrets’ are you sure he’s not just dreaming of what he’d like to do? I spent last night on rightmove, looking at new jobs and inquiring about courses, all things I’m probably not going to follow through with. Last week I was looking at campervans. You mention that you’re autistic and I don’t know how that impacts on you but I know that some of my autistic friends just don’t get that I do things like this. perhaps the best thing to do is just ask him rather than assume he’s fully serious / committed?

He's not only buying an e-bike! He's buying an e-bike at the same time as potentially quitting his secure job to start up a new business that needs significant capital investment, and an unlimited time commitment. The vast majority of new start-ups fail within the first year.

Why are so many posters focusing JUST on the fact that OPs husband has lied about his spending?. What about the business that he appears to have set up, without having discussed this with the OP? I mean, what the hell is that about. I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him!

I never snooped on my ExH's phone but I sure wish I had. I might have found the true extent of his lying before my divorce started.

We had to be careful with money & occasionally he would buy me a present but only because once he gave me mine he'd get himself one at double the cost.

He lied about money, his work, his relationships, his friends, about me, about the kids to everyone - including the police. (& was later charged with perjury)

I never knew which way was up & I was sure glad to see the back of him.

I’m frankly shocked that the OP has got such a hard time about the phone thing. Yeah, it’s not ideal to go through someone else’s phone but I think the stuff her husband is up to trumps the phone thing. The spending tonnes on bike shit while the OP buys her stuff from charity shops smacks of financial abuse tbh.

And it’s completely normal to want to tread carefully to make sure you and your children are financially safe. But please OP for your sake, do some more digging to check on your credit score and stuff. I wouldn’t trust your husband as far as I could throw him or his fucking bike.

Because we don't know the business? It could just be a side-hustle, bit of drop shipping, eBay selling? Just because he's got a logo and a Facebook page - could just be testing the waters. It's not like he has actually handed in his notice.
I think people are blowing the business all out of proportion. And the bike is clearly explained that he is selling his current one to fund it.
None of us have enough information here. People are outraged that the OP is buying clothes from charity shops but that could be personal choice - I know many people who shop in charity shops who could afford more expensive high street clothes but choose not to. He could just be questioning it as a retaliation for always having to be question when he spends.
I think for whatever reason, if you cannot talk openly about spending money then the relationship is not in a healthy place right now, but I don't think it requires calls of "that's financial abuse, LTB"

This is a trust thing for me. And it is a big deal as he's broken it. I couldn't be with a man who wasn't open with finances. It affects you both and your children. Big purchases / starting up a business are meant to be joint decisions.

Other people on mn don't get to tell you off for a mutual agreement that you go on each others phones. So that is out of the equation.
On the bike, if the sale of the old one fully funded the new one it would be a non-issue, but that's unlikely, so I would be a bit peeved about that tbh.
On the business, I think that if he was doing something he knew to be wrong, he'd be unlikely to feel so blasé about you going on his phone. Perhaps it is something that he can run alongside his regular work? Perhaps he thinks it will be a side hustle that will provide extra income?

I would take a look at the account statements.
After that I would initiate a conversation about how you would like to find a way to get back into the workplace, but you would like to consider if you could pay down debts to facilitate that.
Then I would say what popped up on his phone initially (without saying you investigated further) and ask him about it.

I think you will then get a clearer picture by his responses.

so says the crazy

I think there is the possibility this is just him going along with something to keep up with his friends but he’s got form so more likely he is keeping this stuff from you. Either more income than divulged or developing debt. I’d be really annoyed.

Good luck with the conversation.

You haven’t really read this thread have you?

Arguably if you agree that you have entire free rein of each others' phones, then he's not actually been keeping secrets as the messages were evidently there for you to find.

I agree he shouldn't make a major decision that impacts the family (the business) without discussing with you. But you are only infering that it will impact you, potentially without knowing full facts.
The eBike depends on your finance arrangements. In our house, it would be fine for DH to buy it, as long as he covered the cost.

I don't understand why if you are so free and easy with each others phones tha you didn't just show him the messages when you found them and ask him more about them?

So is lying about finances.

Bonkers thread. Normally lying about money is a big no no on MN, and looking at a partner's phone isn't a big deal if there is something amiss.

Both DH and I would be furious in this scenario OP.

Op you are not wrong!!

I left my financially wreckless husband who lied all the time and it was the hardest thing ever as I still loved him, even years on but thankyou so much for the replies about lying about family money and being selfish, it has really reminded me even though I know the advice wasn't for me

So many bonkers replies here!
So your h has form for lying to you about money.

Sounds like he's planning two major things he hasn't told you about. That's really not great.

Can you look through your joint bank statement, see where the money is going?

But you need to chat. I hope it goes well.

Sounds like Walter Mitty!

So. DH is setting up a business with no discussion with his partner about how she feels, and no thought of the financial impact on her or his kids. Money is tight but he regularly spends joint money on his own interests - again with no discussion, and he tells significant lies about the cost. But people here are focused on the fact that OP only found this out after accessing his phone (she wasn’t ‘snooping’ she was looking for something specific) and following the trail. And now somehow it’s OP’s fault for not being more approachable about money matters. OK then.

Were you looking at his calendar or were you looking at another part of his phone that he didn’t know about?

I'd ask dh to sit down and work out a budget together. Tell him to factor in saving for a new bike or having a bike fund as part of the budget. Perhaps he looking for a way to make more money if things are tight

The bills aren’t paid if they are in debt and it’s not just an e-bike it’s also a business too.

So she’s autistic and therefore she may not understand what she’s seeing clearly laid out in front of her. Christ, are you for real ?

There’s a world of difference between perusing rightmove and car sales, and what the OP has discovered here. Give your head a wobble.

Firstly selling his own bike will only partially fund the new one, and secondly did you miss the part about him telling significant lies about how much things cost ? And whatever the business plan, they have joint finances and the OP has a right to know what’s happening.

I’d be throwing you out on your arse if you snooped on my phone and then tried to bollock me about buying a bike

It's not good, OP. Unless your DH has some kind of second income he just isn't telling you about, and even that isn't good news either, because why is he being so secretive? I don't think it's because you are being careful with the pennies and he knows it. Has to be more to it. Does sound like he just wants the bike stuff (to keep up with his friends' purchases?) and the business, maybe a long time dream he just wants, and doesn't accept the financial reality of your marriage's situation.

Whatever is going on, yes you need a long talk.