These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

What utter shite !! Not to mention failure to comprehend.

RTFT

Be warned OP. We had our own business that was doing well, good money. Then he went off-piste with it and didn't tell me about some deals. Not prosecuted because his mates destroyed the evidence abroad. I would have been charged as a fellow director. Now he is ExHusband

Secrets and business and secrets and finance are RED flags. Always a disaster.

It strikes me that you need to focus on your career /earning capacity, as this isn't a relationship of equals at the moment.

lf he’s being financially reckless you need to make more money.

Sound financial advice there @Josette77 !!

So basically blaming OP then - for taking the usual financial hit for having a family, and not earning enough to finance his expensive hobby, the expenses for which he routinely lies about ? And what about him secretly setting up a business without considering the impact of that on their joint finances, or involving her in any way ? That her fault too ?

Well I'd be throwing you out on YOUR arse if you were my partner and you set up a new company, lied to me about the cost of stuff you bought (with family money) planned to chuck in your job and ordered a new expensive bike when you already have one, all WITHOUT TELLING ME. Me looking at your phone would be the least of your worries.

This. 100% And the overriding reason that every single poster here who is somehow excusing him setting up the business secretly needs to give their head a wobble. If it’s all legit and above board, why has he not told OP ? She has an absolute right to know - they are financially linked and she could be liable without even knowing. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him and if l had discovered my partner doing something similar, I would be demanding access to every last detail and document.

Some of the replies on this thread are disturbing, but it's comforting to see so many votes for YANBU. Seems the "you finding out what he did is worse than him doing it" side are not the majority, they're just making the most noise.

There are only two possibilities I can think of in this scenario. One, the more concerning to me, is that the guy is on course to bankrupt his family, possibly losing their home, because he is so keen to impress his friends with the latest toys and the status of a business owner, without regard to his family's needs. The other is that there is in fact enough money for all this, but he's keeping the facts from his wife, so she's in a constant state of worry, scrimping and saving, trying to build up her own earnings, while he buys what he wants and lies about the cost. This just means their relationship is shit rather than that the family is in dire financial straits. No wonder OP is concerned. And some people think she should just trust him? When he's proved to be completely untrustworthy? Ah, but the main point is she shouldn't have found out. Strange planet you people live on.

This is financial abuse. If you are p/t because of caring for your children you should have an equal split of the household income and he shouldn’t be questioning you over a charity shop purchase when he spends £2.500 on an effing bike!!

Strikes me that she should be demanding the details of the business he’s clearly in the process of setting up, to see how it impacts their lives, and whether she is implicated for things like insolvency and bankruptcy - they’re financially linked. And if he’s secretive about it, something clearly isn’t right.

How much do you know about the business? If a friend asked whether the business was set up, could he have been setting it up for the friend/with the friend? Is it just social media pages or have you checked at Companies House to discover he’s set up a ltd company?
When I set up my own business, I did a lot of research long before talking to my DH about it. It would have alarmed him had I mentioned it without any suggestion that I had a plan and a budget. Without further information from your DH ( ask him directly) you’re potentially jumping to a lot of conclusions.
The e-bike is surprising. I would expect someone with a £2400 bike to look down their nose at e-bikes. But I think a lot of people hide the true cost of their hobbies from their partners — and that includes some women lying about how much they spend on shoes for example. Unless they’re getting the family into debt or everyone else is going without, I think those are not unreasonable ‘secrets’ to keep, as anyone else who doesn’t share that hobby will not understand why on earth they’re spending so much on it.
Finally, are you absolutely, completely sure it’s definitely his bike up for sale, and not someone else with the same model?
If he’s really OK with you looking at his phone he’s really bad at lying and keeping secrets. So why don’t you just tell him what you saw and ask him about it?

That's because sharing the phone is not the norm for your and your wife. it is for OP and her husband, so it's a non-issue.

This post nails it. I wonder what the advice would’ve been if OP had posted to say she had found this information and not said anything, then later found herself liable when the business failed, and was now bankrupt and homeless. I’m betting the focus wouldn’t be phone snooping.

And l’d be throwing you out on your arse if you’d lied about your spending and were planning to set up a business without my knowledge.

Wow you’re going to have to talk to him OP. I think you’re getting a disproportionate amount of grief for snooping. Thank goodness you did discover it! Where is the money going to
come from?

My DH has an e-bike as well as an expensive non e-bike. He lives both, but they are for different purposes. You can travel further on an e-bike, it's horses for courses. If all this guy's mates are going off on ebikes, he's not going to be able to keep up.
So I understand why he wants one.
He's still an underhand lying arse of course, and OP needs to get back to work to protect herself financially and rebuild her career. She's going to need it.

Good lord baglady or whatever her name is seems like a judgmental and unpleasant individual… ignore her, and her toxic irrelevant drivel OP. A cat indeed.

OP you’re in the right. I feel for you. By all means get your ducks in a row before you confront if you think he will blow up. My fear is that he is already thinking in these terms which is why you haven’t featured in his plans. I would move quickly to get yourself as financially sorted as possible.

Absolutely for real, most of the people I love are autistic and many of them struggle with the concept of dreaming / fantasizing / starting with daft ideas just for fun. They can’t understand why I would do it and take it seriously when I spend an evening designing a logo for a new business I’m ‘thinking of setting up’. My husband now knows me well enough to just say ‘that’s nice’ because in a week or so I’ll have moved onto something else. I’m neurodivergent myself so am very much like the dog from up.

Your response suggests that you feel like you have an understanding of autism and if you do you will know that every single person is different. Your indignance at a perfectly reasonable and well informed suggestion is hugely misplaced. Sorry about that.

This is very worrying. He's taking his life in new directions and leaving you behind. What's his reasoning? Are you a domestic appliance, the thing that does the washing and takes care of the dcs? Is he bored at home? Has he convinced himself you are 'holding him back'? You are not unreasonable to be concerned.

Even those of us who are autistic can sometimes spot the warning signs.

I would want to know his plan. So if he goes ahead with the business how is he still going to support his family? Is he going to continue to work whilst he builds the business or wing it?

If I were you I would go back to work full time, pay your share and no more and squirrel the rest away.

Absolute rubbish. EBay selling? He has been researching storage facilties at a cost of nearly 3 grand! And to go to the extent of doing this, setting up FB & getting logo designed - do you not think it's strange that he's not mentioned ANY of this to his wife? Absolutely ridiculous.

For the bike he's selling - could he have said that he paid more for it and brought it newer to try and get more money for it from the advert and have been honest to you? And is he really getting a new one or just talking about it with his friends? Or he could be seeing if his first bike sells then will talk to you about buying a new one with the proceeds?
My partner is always sharing pictures of cars / vans / other expensive things with his friends suggesting he would buy it but in over 10 years he hasn't actually brought any - they do the same back to him and also do not seem to buy any of it.

Not telling you about setting up a business seems deceptive and odd from your partner - it would have come up in conversation if he is really planning on leaving his job to set up a business and I can't see how he would have missed this. Unless he also isn't really planning on it and just likes to talk the talk to his friends? This seems odd, that he could not tell you about major things that will impact your family.

Setting up a Facebook page is free. Getting a logo designed can also be free. Researching costs is free.

Registering a business is very low cost, but demonstrates a more concrete intent. But OP doesn’t seem to have found evidence of that.

Suppose he set up the Facebook page and only then researched the costs, thought ‘oh sh**, much more expensive than I thought, better not talk about it until I’ve done s lot more research.’ And his friend said (if OP remembered it correctly), have you set up THE business — not YOUR business.

I’m not defending him: I just can’t draw any conclusions about exactly what is going on. I think the OP needs to ask.

If he was really keeping a big secret and was good at lying, he would have another, secret phone and OP wouldn’t have been able so easily to find the evidence she has.

To be really clear, reading the original post carefully: he hasn’t actually done anything yet.

1. The business - he’s just been researching and talking to friends about setting it up. He hasn’t done it yet. So not lying about anything.
2. The new bike: he’s just been talking about wanting to buy a new bike on a whatsapp group. Doesn’t mean he is going to buy it. Not lying about anything.
3. The old bike for sale - he’s written in the sale ad that he bought it from new. This might be a sales tactic rather than reality. So lying to sell it, but not necessarily lying to wife.
4. The £60 purchase: you don’t actually know whether the friend who “slipped up” and said it was £300 was actually right.

There’s no actual evidence here that he’s lying to you.

I think you should just try to relax and not worry about what he might do. You need to trust him. It will make you happier if you do.

I think the OP needs to ask.

Really really sensible post and advice