These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

In the OP -
Second paragraph, second last sentence (3 lines from bottom of said paragraph).
And again in the OP's second post - second line - 'we don't have any spare money'.
Not sure how much clearer she can be really.

Thank you @potaytopotahto33 honestly my stbxh had massive anxiety around money - he actually argued with our energy company to increase our direct debit so we were overpaying by £100 a month, because he wanted the account in credit "just incase".
Even though he's moved out and my household income has halfed, I actually feel far better off and have more disposable income each month which should not be possible. Financially anxious people are just as difficult to live with as the financially frivolous

I’m thinking of my kids, not myself. It’s not immoral to put your kids financial security first.

Well you've had a right good snoop there haven't you?

Maybe I’m misunderstanding you, but this seems like a really whacky perspective.

Yes! I’m glad I did! Discovered a lot of secrets!

Talk us through the morality of looking through someone's phone. You didn't just stumble across a thing, or have a quick look. By the sound of it, you were very thorough. Clean hands, you do not have.

we’re both happy for each other to use each others phones. I don’t think anything of him looking at my photos to see the kids activities or going on WhatsApp to reply to a group chat because his phone has died. We don’t even lock them with a passcode. Neither of us question it.
so yes, my hands are clean. I needed to know if he’d asked me to be added to the group chat. As it turns out, he hadn’t, and is still claiming he has. It’s a good job I did snoop. You sound like you like keeping secrets too, which as everyone has established, isn’t ideal in a marriage.

And yes, if you discover your DH is setting up a secret business, you have have no choice but to be thorough. You don’t sound like a very moral individual, despite spouting about it @Baghera

I think that perhaps you need to take a lot more interest in your finances. He's buying stuff that he can't afford and is way more than he's letting on. Someone needs to get a grip. Coupled with his business plans, seems very dicey.

Sorry, the 2 replies is the autism in me. That’s how I roll.

As for the using his phone. He’s literally just been using mine. It’s weird that your marriage may be like that, but ours is not. We share phones. He lets me use it. It’s only after I discovered the secret that I was forced to snoop. You’re a very strange individual.

@Baghera Hello, OP's husband 👋🏻 The game's up! Hope you've hidden that 'extras' account carefully.

Profitable move 😂. No darling, I’m thinking him, the kids and myself will be worse off financially. I’m literally thinking about how to feed, shelter and clothe my kids.

Nosing around in my phone is a far bigger deal than keeping financial information from me. You nose around in my phone, we're done, thank you very much.

Other stuff is negotiable.

😂

Wow. Ok. Everyone’s different I suppose. We’re not like that here, seems really alien. It’s the financial secrets that are the issue. Looking through each others phones is a complete non-issue to us.

@Baghera is that you? 😂

You are truly bonkers.

I'd suggest it's because he likes to spend money which the family doesn't have.

All the people saying they think they should be allowed to spend on themselves are forgetting that they are describing circumstances where they have the money so it's just a decision on whether to save, spend it on themselves or spend on something else.

Op, your finances are joint and spending money you don't have or making major changes to income or lifestyle that affects your joint financial health or family logistics is absolutely something which should be taken together as a decision.

That's not being controlling, it isn't overruling him, that's just being given the common courtesy of having a say in something that affects you both!

Obviously the conversation should be mutually respectful, no one is a child, but emphasis on mutual.

Yes do this, otherwise he'll just gaslight you and delete the evidence. I couldn't get past this level of deception. He has responsibility towards your DC before he throws his job up to go self employed. Is it possible he would keep his job and do this other thing as a side hustle?

No, not at all. Just confident in my morals. X