These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

There's no indication that DH has told her they can't afford much; all of the financial restrictions seem to come from OP. DH has commented that "things are a bit tight this month" which would indicate there are months when they are not a bit tight, or maybe not tight at all. DH has a decent job with a good wage, and OP refuses to work more hours. He should be able to spend some money on his choices - OPs choices are not always the only ones.

I don’t know, I’ve never made a fuss about the finances. I don’t try and curb his spending if we have the money. But we don’t have spare money.

I would have said it needs putting off until we can afford it and he can use his existing bike in the meantime. - so OP does try to control the finances

There isn’t really much left over. Just enough for a lunch out, school trips, youth club etc. - maybe DH would prefer a new bike to some lunches out?

I don’t really keep tabs on our joint account because I’ve always trusted him until recently. - well, how would OP know whether there's any spare money or not?

maybe DH would prefer a new bike to some lunches out?

Yes, maybe her DH would prefer a new bike all for himself than that everyone in the family benefit from the money that’s left over. That would seem to be the whole issue. He lies about what he’s spent to hide the fact he is spending it on him so that the rest of the family do not have a similar level of spending for themselves.

how would OP know whether there's any spare money or not?
Her understanding of how much they have available has come from him rather than from keeping an eye on the account - but she is now realising that there has been more money than that because he has been spending money she didn’t think they had and lying about. Hopefully she’ll keep a closer eye on the account now so she, at least, gets to discuss their finances from an equal footing and his lies will no longer easily cover up his selfishness.

It sounds as if your DH is controlling - he regards himself as 'in-charge' of family finances, keeping high costs of his purchases hidden from you whilst having the audacity questioning you on your charity purchases and making you inhibited about your own spending, claiming funds are tight when clearly he does not think he has to tighten his belt. Perhaps he thinks that, as he is the 'bread winner' and you are 'only' part-time (conveniently forgetting you are his full-time wife and mother to his children, presumably providing most/all the child care), he is entitled to call all the shots where money is concerned - he needs to understand that he part of a 'team' and his contribution is mostly financial whilst yours is equally valuable as a mix of financial and childcare and perhaps other household tasks?

You need to have a full and frank discussion about finances with him, and about his attitude towards you - ask him why he thinks you should not be informed about full extent of debts when, as his spouse, you could ultimately be liable for them and suffer any consequences of unpaid debts. You can also ask him about the business he plans to set up, and what childcare contributions would he envisage making, or would you be expected to soldier the load alone? These are serious issues which need to be actively addressed sooner rather than later, or your marriage will suffer majorly in the long run, if it survives at all. Good luck with getting through to him, he sounds rather arrogant to me.