DP 'flips' when I'm upset, throws lose threats at me

[ForProudCrow]

Hi, seeking some advice on a recent situation with DP. We've been together for two years, and this weekend we attended a milestone birthday party with his friends.

Here's what happened:
While at the party, I overheard DP talking to his friends about my return to college as a mature student. When asked what I was studying, DP drew a blank and got embarrassed. Later, when we were alone, I expressed how hurtful it was that he forgot, but instead of addressing the issue constructively, things took a turn.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

It's not the first time he has reacted this way when I express my feelings. Instead of engaging in a healthy conversation, he throws back at me what I've done wrong, suggests I leave him, or brings up extreme actions like wanting to run away or harm himself.

DP doesn't have a history of mental health issues and we generally have a good relationship, but this behaviour is makes me fearful to share feelings. Any advice on how to navigate this and help DP understand my perspective better would be appreciated

He is conditioning you not to challenge him about his behaviour. Major red flag. 🚩

Run! He’s either mentally unstable or controlling and emotionally abusive.

He is doing this to control you, it will get worse. Get rid.

I'm not going to be much help, but that's an extreme reaction to any normal adult conversation. How does he cope with family/ friend/ work place conflict . Does he resort to emotional blackmail for deflection there? Is this isolated to controlling your behaviour?

Well, here in Glasgow we say ‘pick a windae, yer leaving…’ suggest that maybe?

Get rid NOW before your lives become more entwined. All the red flags here 🚩

You navigate this by leaving him as soon as possible.

Seriously.

Well if you wanted to continue the relationship then I'd suggest couples counselling. I don't think he's conditioning you to accept crapness, I think he just can't cope with some emotional situations and reacts badly. Sort of extreme lack of self-confidence and it would tie in with him suggesting you leave him etc. I certainly think he needs counselling regardless of your relationship, for his own good. But if you wanted to continue then I think it needs to be a non-negotiable.

And the reason you've stayed with this man for two years is...?

Please take immediate steps to end the 'relationship' - which seems to consist of a one way street of support, with you being manipulated into silence by his threats and refusal to be accountable.

If he threatens harm to himself, call police and ambulance. Tell them he's expressed suicidal intent. Then walk out the door. Do not comfort him.

yeah this is a red flag for me too, he is not allowing you to express feelings and then acting hysterical over them. Seems like a narcissist.

He is in counselling but I don't see much change.

In work he is a boss, very respected. With friend/family conflict, I do find sometimes he doesn't engage. He's often telling me he's frustrated/tense with them.

He said he was exhausted and embarrassed after the party. That it was simply poorly chosen words

If I were you I'd tap out of this relationship. Imagine yourself in 30 years' time still being fearful to share your feelings. Sod that.

If he's not changing with counselling (assuming he's trying to address that particular issue) then I'd suggest following his advice and ending it.

This is a type of abuse. Any time you have any minor criticism of him or get upset about anything he says or does he will massively overreact to essentially shut it down. It will end up with you apologising to him for whatever he did. And make it less likely you will express emotions in the future.
I'm a healthy relationship you should be able to discuss feelings and concerns with each other like adults.

LEAVE HIM.

😂

Honestly, it's time to find somewhere else to live, pack your things, and leave. This needs to be your first priority.

He won't take it well. You'll need to stay strong because he'll try every trick in the book (apologies, promises of therapy, sobbing, begging, rage, attempts to suck you into endless circular discussion of why you're leaving, insults, telling you to 'be kind', efforts to shame you into returning, feigned indifference, threats of suicide). Call 999 if he threatens suicide or threatens you.

The relationship has no future. You will never change him into the decent man you deserve.

DP became upset, stating that I'm not good at sharing details with him and that I never ask about his career. He even went as far as suggesting I should leave him because he's not a good partner, and he dramatically mentioned throwing himself out of the window. I rushed to comfort him, but this isn't new.

So basically, you had a perfectly legitimate issue and he turned it into an attack on you, followed by ridiculous threats that had you rushing to comfort him?

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN as far and as fast as you can. This is classic emotionally abusive and controlling behaviour.

Take his advice, leave him.

He's gaslighting you. Having a history of MH illness does not mean partners should accept abuse or that the sufferer is going to be abusive. Get out now 📣.

Leave, leave, leave.

I spent far too long with someone like this. They brush off issues like he has by saying he was tired and chose his words poorly rather than being accountable.

I'm guessing he is rarely ever wrong or in the wrong, according to him. Someone said they don't like confrontation but seem to thrive on the dramatic.

I'd get rid. And, I don't say that lightly. He's priming you for more controlling behaviour.

He's like a toddler throwing a tantrum because he's learned that's the way he gets what he wants - you're scared of his Big Feelings and it all becomes about you comforting him, backing down, letting him have his own way.

Unlike a toddler though he's not going to grow up. His development is stunted. This is who he is.

Call his bluff. Tell him he is welcome to jump out of the window if he can’t have a simple conversation.

He will usually say one of these type of statements: 'I don’t understand how I’ve done something wrong again', 'you don’t realise how difficult you are', 'well I’m just a fuck up' and 'I just don’t know what to do anymore'.

I then feel difficult